Copyright ©Arlene R. Taylor, PhD
www.arlenetaylor.org     Realizations Inc

Eyes downcast, hands jammed into jean pockets, he paced my office. Beyond the fact that he’d announced his name as Carlton, he had paced in silence. I thought about saying, “Just give me the bottom line.” However, I knew that his male brain would likely do that, anyway—when it was ready.

More pacing.

More silence.

Eventually, Carlton rattled off a series of bottom lines.

• “My wife left me four years ago after nearly seven years of marriage.”
• “We did everything together, a perfect match in every way.”
• “We traveled and performed in public together. She said she loved it.”
• “I took complete responsibility for her leaving. I didn’t give her enough attention.”
• “I forgave her immediately. Might have been counterfeit forgiveness, though, as nothing has changed for me.”

I asked more questions. Carlton was just starting to repeat how perfectly matched they were—for the third time—when I held up my hand. He noticed the gesture.

“There’s an elephant in the room, Carlton.” When he looked bewildered, I said, “You were a ‘perfect match in every way.’ Yet she didn’t value the relationship enough to be monogamous. How many emotional and sexual affairs did you say she had during your marriage?”

“Multiple,” he replied.

“How many did you have?” I asked. He shook his head. “None.”

“You did ‘everything together’ and yet she left because you didn’t give her enough time?”

He nodded. “That’s the reason she gave when she left.”

“Did that make sense to you?”

Carlton looked at the ceiling for a long moment. “I think I was just so shocked and devastated that I needed to believe whatever she told me.”

“You are telling me you take ‘complete responsibility for her leaving’?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said.

“It makes no sense,” I said, puzzled. “The reason is never the reason. I repeat, there’s an elephant  in the room.”

Carlton stopped pacing. “Oh, I get it,” he said. The widening of his eyes suggested that  this was a new concept. “If the reason is never the reason, I wonder why she really left?”

“I wouldn’t know,” I replied, “and you may never know. Brainstorm. There could be a combination of reasons.” I suggested possible contributors.

• The baggage she brought to the relationship, and everyone has baggage, hooked into yours. As you began to work on your stuff  and get healthier, her baggage no longer meshed.

• She never genuinely loved you to begin with. The marriage may have been one of convenience for her or her rewards came when you performed in public, so no glue was developed to hold you together in the long term, or she was simply using you for her own perceived gains.

• You were sexually attracted to her, and the resulting sexual highs prevented you from clearly evaluating whether or not she had the characteristics that would bode well for a long-term monogamous relationship, to be the parent of your child(ren), ad infinitum.

• She had a history of multiple sexual relationships. She may have become addicted to the chemical tsunami of three ‘love’ chemicals, produced when a person is sexually or romantically attracted to another individual. Phenylethylamine or PEA triggers the release of norepinephrine and dopamine. Metaphorically, PEA turns the person into  a ‘PEA’ brain, which could combine to make her find you and monogamy boring. The hormonal tsunami almost always wanes after 12-18 months or so. After that, what keeps couples together involves shared interests, mutual goals, genuine love, and choice.

“Do any of those fit for you?” I asked.

“Probably all of them,” Carlton replied with his first smile, albeit a wry smile.

“Well, that water has already gone over the dam,” I said. “While it is important to identify what happened and learn from it, the question is, where do you want to go from here?”

His answer was immediate. “I need tips on how to genuinely forgive. She ‘moved on’ the day she walked out—perhaps even years before she physically left. I’m trying to move on, but I haven’t gotten far. I mean, her leaving was a big loss—especially the part about traveling and performing together.”

“Have you reinvented yourself in terms of performing?” I asked.

Carlton laughed. It sounded authentic when he said, “Professionally, I found another and much healthier collaborator. We are going great guns. We make an even better team. I don’t know. I just feel like in other ways I’ve not ‘moved on.’”

“First,” I said, “avoid confusing genuine forgiveness with loss and the need for grief recovery. They represent two separate journeys, although they may overlap at times. Grief recovery is important. For everyone. Otherwise, you risk developing a slush fund of unresolved grief. Then, when another loss occurs—even a comparatively minor loss—that slush fund of unresolved grief can come rushing forth and trigger a tsunami of overreaction. That can not only be startling for everyone involved, but extremely unhelpful.”

Carlton nodded.

“Second, the process for moving on differs for every brain because every brain is different. Naturally, the time frames differ, as well. Moving on involves choice. If the person is saying ‘I am trying to move on,’ the brain may not get in gear in the way it would if the person were saying ‘Carlton, you are moving on. You are happy and fulfilled.’ Speak in the present tense and use your given name and the pronoun ‘you.’ That will help your brain get in gear.”

Carlton nodded again and repeated, “Carlton, you are moving on. You are happy and fulfilled.”

“Here’s a last tip. You may want to do some Family-of-origin work. Recent studies indicate that the selection of a partner likely reflects only 30 percent about that individual, while the remaining 70 percent reflects your own personal history. Likewise, only about 30 percent of the problems you experience are related to the other individual. Fully 70 percent reflects your  personal experiences, your personal baggage, and so on. Family-of-origin work can help you identify your 70 percent, which can assist you in resolving problems. If you are looking for a relationship—a close, trustworthy friend, perhaps—it can help you view the potential relationship with more knowledge. This may help you recognize “baggage” before you are enmeshed in the relationship and either work on it in advance or determine that ‘love is not enough.’”

I pointed out that serious relationships resemble a “business” in the sense that you need to see the big picture as well as the details and not think that “love can absolutely conquer all.” Love will not necessarily motivate another individual to work on her or his issues, which is essential for two individuals to meet in a healthier middle. Genuine forgiveness and a healthier future go hand in glove.

“Thanks,” Carlton says. “I am beginning to get the picture. It seems scales are falling from my eyes. My challenge is to view the whole sorry mess in a new way. I can do this. After I digest some of this stuff, may I come back and chat with you again?”

The answer was yes.