Q.  There are a couple of girls in my dormitory who have experienced date rape. One of them has turned into a little mouse, afraid of her own shadow; the other has become overly assertive, determined to get you before you get her. Honestly, what’s the big deal? So, they are victims of date rape. Is there some reason they don’t “just get over it” and get on with life, for heaven’s sake?

A. I’m sure their behaviors can be a puzzle to you, especially if you yourself are not a survivor of date rape. (I avoid using the word “victim” as that perpetuates the perception that the person is relative helpless in terms of recovery. I use the word “survivor” to describe a person’s ability to choose to go on with life regardless of having experienced date rape.)

The behaviors each survivor exhibits result from a constellation of factors that include their level of Extraversion-Ambiversion-Introversion, Sensory Preference, Brain Lead, cellular memory, position in their sibling lineup, quality of parenting, availability of appropriate and effective counseling, and so on (to name just a few).

All types of abuse probably have their greatest impact on the person’s brain. For example, in any type of abuse there comes a moment of realization when the brain realizes that it cannot stop what is happening, that there is nothing it can do to protect itself. That moment tends to bring with it an awareness or sense of helplessness and hopelessness that will forever change its perception of life and living.

Post event, different brains react differently. For some, there is a constant fear of not being able to take care of itself in the future and of some similar event occurring, which can be seen in “afraid of your own shadow” behaviors, as you described it. For another, the anger can be so great that the behaviors become overly assertive as in “determined to get you before you get” me as I will try to protect myself.

There isn’t a healthy “just get over it” position. There is a healthy process of grief recovery and healing woundedness; forgiving oneself for not being able to protect oneself; learning new strategies of going forward and getting on with life; and practice for exhibiting appropriate behaviors in balance. Until you have walked in their shoes (and my wish is that you never experience date rape or any other type of serious physical, emotional, or sexual abuse), you may want to be careful about how judgmental you are in terms of what “they should do.”