Q. How do you handle things when someone you believed was a life-time friend suddenly stops connecting regularly with you, or ghosts you, or acts like they don’t know you when you see them in public, or you found out they said non-affirming things about you to others, or gets angry at you for something and blithely moves on and tells others that’s what they are doing? It hurts!

A. You bet it hurts, especially if you genuinely loved the other individual. First, you can never make someone love you or continue to love you. Trying to do that is a dead-end street and just causes you pain. Second, they may have said they loved you in order to get something they wanted and are bowing out when they perceive they didn’t get it. Third, they may have a history of revolving-door friendships and you were unaware of that pattern. Fourth, they may have experienced Adverse Childhood Experiences or ACE’s, have not recovered from them, and truly do not know how to be a friend. Fifth, they may have low Emotional Intelligence that, when combined with unhealed woundedness, results in hair-trigger anger and blaming.

You decide how long you will feel hurt because of their actions. When something like this happens to me, I picture myself looking at a map and asking myself, “Who do you want to travel with you as you continue the rest of your life?” The actions you mentioned do not describe a genuine friend. They have self-selected out of your life. I picture myself on my life journey and look forward to those who genuinely love me continuing to travel with me—the others veer off on another path. I avoid wasting any negative emotions on the situation. I certainly will smile and be pleasant if our paths cross, but they are obviously not wanting to stay the journey with me. I do them the courtesy of accepting their wish to detach and never try to ask why they changed their mind after all their promises of a lifelong friendship. My friendship is worth something, and if they no longer want it, I know there will be others along the way who will value it and put regular energy and time into staying connected—and some of them will be lifelong.