©Arlene R. Taylor PhD
The likelihood of you developing an effective and rewarding personal (or professional) partnership relationship is enhanced when you:
In a first partnering, the brain often selects for wholeness (e.g., is attracted to a brain with an opposite brain bent). Understanding this can reduce the human tendency to later become disparagingly critical of these differences.
Sometimes the brain is attracted to another brain whose innate brain bent is similar. This may occur in a subsequent partnering, in a same-gender partnering, or when the female in a heterosexual partnering has a brain bent in the right frontal lobe.
If you have a differing brain bent, each partner will bring skills to the relationship that are energy-efficient for one person but energy-intensive for the other, and vice versa.
Recognize that it can require significantly higher amounts of brain energy to complete tasks that use functions outside one’s brain bent. It can also be less rewarding, so the brain tends to procrastinate these tasks.
It is important to identify each person’s most energy-intensive tasks and develop options for handling those tasks. Otherwise one partner (typically the individual who is carrying the stereotypical “female” tasks) may consciously or subconsciously be expected to complete tasks that the other person doesn’t like or finds energy intensive. Over time the energy drain can lead to exhaustion and relationship problems.
Identify the tasks that tend to require the greatest energy expenditures for both of you (e.g., usually they will derive from the division opposite from your brain bent). Ask, “Does this task have to be done at all?
Use this information as a starting point for discussion.
The labels Extroversion, Ambiversion, and Introversion refer to the brain’s position on the EAI Continuum and describe the brain’s focus (e.g., outer-directed, a relatively balanced mix of both, or inner-directed).
Question: Are your positions on the EAI Continuum the same or different?
If they differ, are they widely different (e.g., extreme extrovert versus extreme introvert)?
When partners have different positions on the continuum, this difference needs to be recognized and steps taken to ensure that the environment works for both brains. Otherwise, one or both partners can experience chronic anxiety and/or illness.
NOTE: The brain may respond to chronic anxiety (usually of 2 years duration or longer) by going on protective alertness and moving two points or more toward introversion.
Use this information as a starting point for discussion. Identify and deal with factors that may have resulted in a temporarily altered position on the EAI Continuum.
Refer to Practical Applications: Extroversion-Ambiversion-Introversion for additional information.
While lifetime best friends often have a similar brain bent, life partners may possess differing brain bents. (The brain bents of business partners may be similar or different based on conscious choice, family pressure, or availability.) According to Ned Herrmann, by and large, opposites do attract. That is, those who have a brain bent in the right cerebral hemisphere, often partner with those who have a brain bent in the left cerebral hemisphere. When opposites attract, each brings differing talents (brain bent) to the relationships.
Having said that, there may be no ideal partnering combination. There are differing risk-benefit combinations that can influence the energy required to maintain the relationship. It is acknowledged that attempting to partner successfully with a brain that is damaged or mentally ill may be difficult, if not impossible, to sustain.
In life you usually give something up to get something. Failure to understand that principle, and/or blaming and criticizing yourself or others, accomplishes nothing of value. You can select a partner:
Understanding something about brain function can increase your awareness, help you to develop reasonable expectations, and allow you to make conscious informed choices. And you can choose to have fun on the journey. That’s not half bad!
Given that there is a large enough pool of individuals from which to select, following are examples of the way in which individuals may select a partner.
Prioritizing Division Left Frontal Lobe | Envisioning Division Right Frontal Lobe
|
Males and females who are attracted primarily to individuals of the opposite gender (no one is believed to be 100% in terms of preference) and who have their brain bent in the Prioritizing division may partner with someone whose brain bent aligns with the diagonal Harmonizing Division. These individuals tend to be very directive in the relationship and carry (or assume responsibility for) the left-hemisphere or frontal functions. If the partnering is due to the merging of two families to “keep the business in the family,” sometimes a FL will partner with a FL (at least the first time around). That tends to be more of a functional business partnering (as compared with a more typically romantic relationship) but it often works because both individuals are very goal oriented. | Males who are attracted primarily to individuals of the opposite gender and who have their energy advantage in the Envisioning Division may partner with a female whose brain bent aligns with the diagonal Maintaining Division. Females who are attracted primarily to individuals of the opposite gender sometimes follow this pattern, as well, especially in a first partnering, and choose a male with an energy advantage in the Maintaining division. This choice can become problematic if the female perceives that the male is stuck in a rut, too slow to embrace change, or lacks spontaneity and loses sights of the beneficial qualities that can be exhibited. For his part, the male may perceive that the female is unstable, way too spontaneous in her choices, and jumps into situations without sufficient forethought. Some females (sometimes initially and usually in a second partnering) choose to partner with another Envisioning male and develops a “best friends as well as partners” relationship. Or she may choose to partner with a male who has a brain bent in the Harmonizing division because she enjoys the nurturing, connecting, and encouraging that a male with this type of brain lead can provide (as long as she never compares him against characteristics of a goal-oriented hard-driving Prioritizing male and becomes dissatisfied or tries to push her partner toward the Maintaining division to “take care of all the details”). My observations are that males who are attracted primarily to same-gender individuals (again, no one is believed to be 100% in terms of preference) may partner with an individual who either has an energy advantage in either the Envisioning or the Harmonizing division. |
Maintaining Division Left Posterior Lobes | Harmonizing Division Right Posterior Lobes |
Males and females who are attracted primarily to individuals of the opposite gender and who have their brain bent in the Maintaining Division may partner with individuals whose energy advantage aligns with the diagonal Envisioning Division. In a subsequent partnering, they may partner with a double right who has an energy advantage in the Harmonizing Division. | Males and females who are attracted primarily to individuals of the opposite gender may partner with an individual who has a brain bent in the Prioritizing Division. With their emphasis on nurturing, encouraging, and connecting in the relationship, these individuals (Harmonizing) often try to carry (or be responsible for) the Harmonizing division functions. Males who are attracted primarily to individuals of the same gender may partner with a male who has an energy advantage in either the Envisioning or Harmonizing division. |
When Opposite Brain Leads Attract
When partnering for the first time, brains that are attracted primarily to individuals of the opposite gender typically select for wholeness, and tend to move toward individuals whose brain bent is in divisions that are energy-exhausting for you. It’s the philosophy that “together we have a whole brain.” Unfortunately, when partners expect each other’s brains to match, the individuals can grow apart or even find themselves in crisis.
When Similar Brain Leads Attract
Sometimes a person consciously (or subconsciously) selects an individual who is similar in terms of brain bent. For example, females who have an energy advantage in the Envisioning Division may partner with a right brainer who has a brain bent in either the Envisioning or the Harmonizing Division. The good news is that, due to similarity in thinking styles, partners can end up as best friends as well as partners. The down side is that both tend to dislike and procrastinate the same type of tasks.
Repartnering
Interestingly enough, when couples separate because of disparity between innate brin bents, they often repartner with another individual who has a brain pattern that resembles that of the first partner (with the exception of Envisioners). The external packaging may differ but the brain bent is often amazingly similar. Knowing this, it pays to evaluate one’s current relationship carefully. Some might be worth salvaging.
Ideally, it would be helpful to understand this information early in life and develop skills for collaborating successfully. It could reduce a human tendency to later become disparagingly critical of the very differences that initially were so attractive. Adapting can definitely have a positive or a negative impact on a relationship depending on how/why it is being used and the level of adapting. Genuine intimacy can be achieved only when both individuals are being real and living authentically.
Expectations for Task Completion
In our culture, the female in a typical cross-gender relationship is expected to pick up a good-sized portion of the responsibility for homemaking and parenting, especially in the more traditional models of breadwinner and homemaker. In addition, she is expected to handle the tasks that the male doesn’t enjoy doing. Depending on each person’s innate brain bent, the female may find that she is responsible for tasks that are energy-intensive for her brain. (And in single-parent families where one person is responsible for everything, the same principles of energy expenditure and fatigue apply whenever the required tasks don’t match the individual’s innate brain bent.)
When partners have similar brain bents, although this allows for being best friends as well as partners, the fatigue can actually be accelerated. For example, if both individuals are Envisioners, the female may be expected to complete tasks that utilize functions from the Maintaining division—for herself, her partner, and children, if they exist. These tasks are the most energy-exhausting for her brain as well as for that of her partner. Over time her fatigue can lead to exhaustion, discouragement, and dissatisfaction with the relationship. She may even attribute her fatigue to her partner when, in fact, it may have far more to do with the way in which she is utilizing her brain. Regardless of the thinking-style mix in the relationship or family, if the female tries to be all things to all people, over the long haul her brain will fatigue. Potential for relationship problems can escalate.
Same-gender partners may be more likely to have similar brain bents. Unless both individuals understand the activities that tend to exhaust their brains, one partner will likely end up trying to complete (or feel expected to be responsible for) energy-exhaustive tasks. Over time as the brain becomes fatigued the relationship can fall apart, with one or both partners certain that it has to do with the other individual’s dysfunction, or irritating habits, or lack of commitment, or differing expectations. While any or all of those may be true, in reality, it likely has more to do with how each is using his/her brain.
Again, the bad news is that in our culture one of the partners (often the individual carrying responsibility for the more stereotypical female-type activities) is expected to perform the tasks that the other individual doesn’t enjoy doing. Over time, this can serve to sabotage the relationship. Both individuals would do well to engage in the task-evaluation process and take responsibility for dividing energy-intensive tasks between them as equally as possible.
Energy Required
In your relationship do you feel like you are continually struggling to scale Mt. Everest with few rest stops and no end in sight, or are you loping along through the hills and valleys of life with plenty of energy? Living authentically, understanding brain function, and negotiating tasks with a partner from a position of knowledge, can make all the difference in the world!
Ask, how much energy does it require to develop and/or maintain this partnership? Some relationships will require higher levels of energy-expenditures and, thus, be more exhausting and less rewarding to maintain over time.
In order to maintain a thriving relationship it is critical to identify tasks that are energy-exhaustive for each individual. It’s also important to identify expectations (conscious or subconscious) for completion of those tasks. Otherwise one individual may end up completing (or perceive an expectation to complete) the tasks that neither partner enjoys and that both find very energy-exhaustive. Over time this pattern can lead to procrastination, partial completion of tasks, serious relationship problems, and discouragement or depression.
Task Evaluation
When brain bents are similar, it can be helpful to compile a list of all the tasks that both partners believe must be completed in order for the relationship to be successful. Highlight tasks that are energy-exhausting for each person. Create three columns on a separate sheet of paper (see below).
Tasks To Ignore | Tasks to Hire Out or Trade | Tasks to Divide Equally |
Does the task have to be done at all? Can both partners be comfortable without having this task done? If yes, list the task in this column and stop doing it. Now! | Can the task be hired out or traded? If yes, list the task in this column and find someone to hire or with whom to trade. And do it in a timely manner! | Can the task be turned into a joint effort game? If not, divide must-do tasks equally between partners in order to prevent brain drain. Take responsibility for completing your own tasks! |
Task-evaluation is usually an ongoing process. Human beings are notorious for falling back into old habits of expectation and accountability. To enhance the potential for a successful partnership, each individual must accept personal responsibility and accountability for completing assigned tasks. The relationship can be sabotaged through procrastination or by gradually picking up the other person’s assigned tasks.
Remember, people are people, each having a brain bent–separate from one’s sexual orientation.
Sensory Preferencerefers to the type of sensory data that registers most quickly and intensely in the brain. Most people tend to use their own sensory preference when communicating with others unless they make a conscious choice to use another system.
Question: Are your sensory preferences the same or are they different?
When sensory preferences match, partners tend to affirm each other in ways that promote a sense of love and acceptance. When styles differ, one or both partners may perceive a lack of affirmation over time. This can prompt one or both partners to try to find affirmation elsewhere.
Use this information as a starting point for discussion. Do something every day to affirm your partner in his/her sensory preference.
Refer to Practical Applications: Sensory Preference for additional information.
