If you would like to submit a question or make a comment, please email Dr. Taylor at thebrain@arlenetaylor.org.
In general, your initial level of self-esteem is developed from the way in which you were treated in childhood and by what you heard said to and about you. There is a connection between the events of childhood and the behaviors exhibited in adulthood related to self-esteem.
Dr. Burton White, eminent Harvard physician and child psychiatrist, believes that the first three years of a child’s life are all-important in the development of a healthy balanced self-concept. In fact, one’s initial perception of self-worth may be well in place by the age of two. Consequently, it takes conscious, concerted effort to change one’s level of self-esteem after the age of three.
It takes hard work to change your sense of self-esteem after the age of three. Is not impossible to do so, however. To engage in this process successfully, you need to identify the contribution of your childhood environments to the development of your initial level of self-worth, and compare/contrast that with the contribution of your present environments.
In a manner of speaking, yes. Self-esteem refers to your own personal level of self-worth, the way in which you respect, honor, and value yourself. This is an important concept because, in general, you tend to treat others the way you treat yourself. I you value and esteem yourself in a balanced and healthy manner, you are much more likely to do the same for others. Since your thoughts come from your brain, you can monitor them and correct those that are inaccurate or negative.
My guess would be that this behavior involves a self-esteem issue. Every bully I have ever met had self-esteem problems. The underlying issues that contributed to the self-esteem problems may differ (e.g., not good enough, afraid of failure, shamed at home, doesn’t feel safe, different from others, ashamed of family).
Following are examples of behaviors that may indicate issues with self-esteem. Some of these behaviors are more likely to be exhibited by females than by males, and vice versa. Notice that bullying is more typically exhibited by males.
Females:
Males:
You may want to expand your knowledge base related to self-esteem. Evaluate your own level of self-worth, and take appropriate recovery steps if indicated. As a teacher, you are serving as a role model. Might as well be the best role model possible!
Every brain needs recognition and affirmation and as you pointed out this is rather common childlike behavior among the very young. You’ve seen a child draw a picture for a parent and then not only want it posted on the refrigerator but also want to make sure that everyone knows who drew the picture and for whom.
As the brain matures, it tends to grow out of this childlike behavior, which can appearchildish in adulthood. The healthy, functional, mature adult gradually learns to recognize and affirm the self and has less need to orchestrate recognition. In all likelihood if you did something affirming for another person your brain would reward itself by acknowledging the pleasure it received and would likely not need to draw it to the attention of others or broadcast the gift. I, too, have noticed this behavior in some adults and always find it fascinating.
What would trigger her brain to do this? There may be many possible contributors. For example, her may have received little, if any, acknowledgement or affirmation for things she did in childhood and there would have been nothing she could have done to change that. In adulthood, her brain learned that she will get some attention when she gives a gift and receive additional recognition when she tells others about the gift.
Perhaps she struggles with issues of self-worth. Giving a gift and making sure others know what she did may give her a temporary boost in self-esteem. It will only be momentary, however, so she needs to repeat the behavior to get another temporary boost.
As a variation of the behavior you described, you may have observed one partner continually praising the other when visitors are in the home. Affirming your partner for something he or she did can be a simple affirmative thank you, or it may be a strategy to ensure the partner will continue the behavior. Praising the partner for every little thing in the presence of others may again relate to self-esteem. If the person’s selection of a partner did not meet with family approval, for example, continually rehearsing the partner’s perceived positive contributions may be a way to make the person feel better about his or her choice. It may also reflect the level of emotional maturity in both partners….
I would need more information to make specific comments about your children. In general, self-esteem issues can be thought of as a circular spectrum. Individuals with self-esteem issues can hover at one position (e.g., abysmally low, overinflated) or move back and forth between them. It sounds as if one of your children hovers at a position of low self-worth, and the other hovers at a position of overinflated self-worth.
Many factors contribute to how children develop their self-concept and level of self-worth. Here are several examples:
Children in the same family are really never raised in identical environments or treated exactly the same, even when that is intended. Pay attention to how you talk to and treat your children. Observe how others interact with them, as well. That may give you some clues to their differing behavior. You get the idea.
Thank you for your question and for giving me some delightful laughter. First, I do not consider myself a motivational speaker, per se. I am a brain-function consultant who delights in helping people understand more about how the brain functions in general and providing tips on how they can use their brain by design to be more successful.
Second, I learned early on that sometime, somewhere, someone will do something better than I do—at least by the subjective opinions of those doing the critiquing. Therefore, I compete only with myself—endeavoring to make each presentation more relevant and helpful. I concentrate on what I can bring to the table rather than comparing myself with or trying to compete with others. Each brain is unique, so that type of competition would be like comparing olives and oranges.
Several years ago, country-singer Kenny Rogers reportedly said something that always struck me as brilliant. You either do what everyone else is doing and you do it better, or you do what no one else is doing and you don’t invite comparison. Bottom line? I’m not trying to do what everyone else is doing….
First, I applaud your boundary position of avoiding mixing business with pleasure when both of you work for the same corporation. Second, I have experienced this type of situation at least twice in my career. Unfortunately. Someone admires what you do and wants to replicate it, but possesses “gifts differing,” as the old saying goes. They then try to compete with you rather than identifying and honing their own innate talents. Yes, people can learn some skills and pick up tips by being mentored but they can only replicate the level of competence if they are innate for their brain. In the end, the person typically does not attain the level of competence required to be really successful at those “copied skills.” Misidentifying what their brain does best can cause a tendency to misperceive how they come across to others. How they evidence this misperception may be exhibited in a wide range of behaviors.
Are you acquainted with the Dunning-Kruger Syndrome for which the authors won an Ig Nobel Prize in 2000? According to Merriam Webster Dictionary, this prize, a parody of the Nobel Prize, is awarded every autumn to celebrate ten unusual or trivial achievements in scientific research. The original paper by David Dunning and Justin Kruger was titled, “Unskilled and Unaware of It,” in which they explained that this syndrome involves a false belief or cognitive bias. The miscalibration of the incompetent stems from an error about the self, whereas the miscalibration of the highly competent stems from an error about others. It appears as an internal illusion in people of low ability and an external misperception in people of high ability. Those of high-ability tend to underestimate their relative competence and presume, erroneously, that tasks which are easy for them to perform also are easy for others to perform. Those with lower levels of relative competence fail to adequately assess their level of competence, which robs them of an ability to critically analyze their own performance that leads to a significant overestimation of their own competences. This, of course, can be deadly for mentoring as well as personal relationships and may negatively impact long-term success.
Individuals with the Dunning-Kruger syndrome tend to:
Anecdotal observations have indicated that these individuals may contact others with an offer to provide specific activities or presentations (whatever they believe their skill set to be) and then get upset when repeat invitations are not forthcoming. In all fairness, an inaccurate assessment of personal competence may derive, at least in part, from the individual’s own ignorance of actual and current standards of performance for the given skill. The pattern of overestimation of one’s competence has shown up in studies of reading comprehension, the practice of medicine, operating a motor-vehicle, playing games such as chess and tennis, and so on. The good news is that improving one’s metacognitive skills has been shown to reduce self-assessment scores as the individual became better at evaluating their own limitations.
How do I deal with this? It can be a challenge, especially when I have at times mistaken a desire on the part of another individual “to get all the help and tips from me that are possible” and/or to be aligned in the public eye with someone they perceive as successful, with a genuine desire for a bona fide personal friendship. Once I get clear about that, I can be pleasant and professional while avoiding being used primarily to enhance the other person’s grasping for success. In addition, I am clear that the only person I compete with is myself, always trying to improve my own skills. After all, every brain on the planet is different so comparing my skills with those of others is a dead-end stressor, a bit like comparing apples with oranges, as the old analogy goes. My brain’s opinion is that Dunning-Kruger Syndrome may reflect a measure of personal self-esteem, which may be exhibited as low self-worth or an inordinately high level of perceived self-worth in comparison with others.
She was correct. I did say, “I don’t know.” Did she also tell you that I thought her idea was not only extremely interesting but relevant and suggested she could write to NASA and ask them that question. As to whether saying “I don’t know” undermines my credibility, I have a different opinion. It is honest, saves time and energy for everyone, and acknowledges that no brain knows everything. I know my brain does not know everything and to pretend otherwise strikes me as being pretentious in the extreme.
In my brain’s opinion what would undermine any speaker’s credibility is to “guess” (unless you clearly say it is a guess), or to waffle around trying to drum up an answer, or to state something as if you really know only to have the person discover later that your response was miles off the mark.
Speaking of the phrase “I don’t know” (or its equivalent), I recently read that it is one of the four most important phrases that a person can have in his or her repertoire to be used as appropriate:
I’m sure their behaviors can be a puzzle to you, especially if you yourself are not a survivor of date rape. (I avoid using the word “victim” as that perpetuates the perception that the person is relative helpless in terms of recovery. I use the word “survivor” to describe a person’s ability to choose to go on with life regardless of having experienced date rape.)
The behaviors each survivor exhibits result from a constellation of factors that include their level of Extraversion-Ambiversion-Introversion, Sensory Preference, Brain Lead, cellular memory, position in their sibling lineup, quality of parenting, availability of appropriate and effective counseling, and so on (to name just a few).
All types of abuse probably have their greatest impact on the person’s brain. For example, in any type of abuse there comes a moment of realization when the brain realizes that it cannot stop what is happening, that there is nothing it can do to protect itself. That moment tends to bring with it an awareness or sense of helplessness and hopelessness that will forever change its perception of life and living.
Post event, different brains react differently. For some, there is a constant fear of not being able to take care of itself in the future and of some similar event occurring, which can be seen in “afraid of your own shadow” behaviors, as you described it. For another, the anger can be so great that the behaviors become overly assertive as in “determined to get you before you get” me as I will try to protect myself.
There isn’t a healthy “just get over it” position. There is a healthy process of grief recovery and healing woundedness; forgiving oneself for not being able to protect oneself; learning new strategies of going forward and getting on with life; and practice for exhibiting appropriate behaviors in balance. Until you have walked in their shoes (and my wish is that you never experience date rape or any other type of serious physical, emotional, or sexual abuse), you may want to be careful about how judgmental you are in terms of what “they should do.”
I guess it would be important to know if you are talking about casual acquaintances or a about whether a person would like you for their good friend. Every brain is different and Emotional Intelligence would say that likely no brain really “likes” every other brain on the planet. I’m sure you don’t. How do I deal with knowing that? You can’t very well ask someone else to do something that you don’t do, i.e. like everyone. I suppose the easiest answer is the one Charles Schulz, creator of the comic strip “Peanuts” wrote. In the words of Snoopy: “I don’t have time to worry about people who don’t like me. I’m too busy loving the people who love me.”
Everyone has it. Some don’t have enough. Others have an unhelpful form. Everyone needs an optimum amount. Our own level is reflected in every area of life and impacts every action we take, each decision we make, and every behavior we exhibit.
Here is the definition I used in my book Back to Basics (sold out currently but perhaps available soon on my website):
A healthy and balanced sense of self-esteem is probably the most universally important and yet perhaps the most universally neglected area of personal development. The word esteem simply means to respect, honor, admire, regard, or attach value. Consequently, self-esteem means to respect, honor, admire, regard, and attach appropriate value to oneself as an individual. It is the measure of how much we like, love, and approve of ourselves; the set of beliefs and images we have and hold to be true about ourselves; the reputation we have with ourselves.
In other words, a desirable level of self-worth reflects a personal experience of being competent to live life in its fullness and of feeling worthy of that fullness. It provides us with a sense of completeness and diminishes the probability of our becoming involved with serious addictive behaviors, exhibiting dysfunctional behaviors, or developing habits that involve the frequent and prolonged use of defense mechanisms.
You ask a great question! In thinking about a response, words attributed to one of my favorite “ancient philosophers,” Epictetus, come to mind: “The thing that upsets people is not what happens but what they think it means… It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” Therefore, if I am asked a question outside my area of study, all that means is that I do not know. It in no way demeans me as a person—because I am so clear that no one brain on this planet can or does know everything, so it would be foolish and a lie to pretend I do. My brain’s opinion is that it is important to role-model authenticity. If I think the questions involve brain function and that I may be able to discover information that could address it, I am willing to do the research and get back to the questioner. Otherwise, I have no problem saying that I do not know.
And what is embarrassment anyway? Shame is one synonym for embarrassment. Shame (along with guilt) are emotional interrupters—likely learned reactions that may or may not be valid and healthy. Growing up, human beings “learn” about shame and embarrassment. My definition of embarrassment or shame is that it alerts your brain to the fact that you breached a social or moral guideline or someone else thinks you did. It gives you the opportunity to evaluate the situation and your behavior, knowing that you can learn to exhibit a different behavior if necessary or apologize for a mistake or accident that was unintentional and do what you can to remedy the situation or….
I genuinely appreciate and feel humbled that people give me their time by attending my presentations and I never want to waste their time. My goal is to share information that has certainly changed my life and that can do that for others as they turn the information into knowledge and practically apply it in their own life. It would be disrespectful to the audience to pretend I know something if I don’t. My goal is to share what I have studied and never try to “fake it” because that will always show up in some way or another.
Honing one’s Emotional Intelligence skills can help a person identify whether shame or embarrassment is valid or invalid and choose appropriate behaviors. My brain’s opinion is that hanging onto embarrassment is a choice and—bottom line—I choose to avoid doing that.
You’re right. It isn’t fair. Your home belongs equally to both of you even though your contribution has been caring for it and the family while your husband’s has been that of breadwinner. No, life isn’t fair! But that doesn’t mean you can’t embrace it and be thrivingly successful.
His comments likely derive from fear and from a sense that he may be losing control over you. Perhaps his education has been used to bolster his own sense of self-esteem and it may be extremely threatening for him to perceive that you may learn what he knows. After all, how could he then feel superior? Avoid making the assumption that his use of the word lesbian has anything to do with sexual preference. Recently someone sent me a powerful quote by Suzanne Pharr:
“How many of us have heard battered women’s stories about their abusers calling them lesbians or labeling the battered women’s shelter a lesbian place? The abuser is not so much labeling her a lesbian as he is warning her that she is choosing to be outside society’s protection (of male institutions), and she therefore should choose to be with him, with what is “right.” He recognizes the power in woman-bonding and fears loss of her servitude and loyalty; the potential loss of his control. The concern is not affectional/sexual identity; the concern is disloyalty. The labeling is a threat… Our concern with homophobia, then, is not just that it damages lesbians, but that is damages all women. We recognize homophobia as a means of controlling women, and we recognize the connection between control and violence.”
In a perverse sort of way, your husband’s comments were a gift. This is an opportunity for you to review your life, reflect on the script that was handed to you at birth, ponder your relationships, meditate on the image you are providing for your children, and evaluate who you are and what you want to do with the rest of your life.
First, I’d tell him just to consider the source. Unfortunately, some individuals go into medicine to boost their own self-worth, to help them feel better about themselves. You can often observe that in people who put down other professions, albeit doing in a joking manner. Second, I’d explain to your son that individuals who are gifted at diagnosing problems in cars and individuals who are gifted at diagnosing problems in people are using very similar brain functions. Inductive-deductive reasoning skills are loaded in the frontal left lobe of the brain and those skills enable human beings to solve problems. Add to that the skills of intuition housed in the frontal right lobe, and some of these individuals are just brilliant, not only doing inductive-deductive reasoning but also in following their hunches about what may be underlying the symptoms (vehicle or person) and brainstorming potential solutions.
Third, I’d point out that unlike patients who can typically list their symptoms for a medical doctor and can explain often where in the body they feel pain, vehicles tend not to speak to their car doctors (sometimes they do talk in squeaks and sounds and unnatural hums). Using that variable, it might be even more challenging in some cases to diagnose and repair a vehicle. Fourth, I’d remind him that in reality, most medical doctors would be hard pressed to get to the office, clinic, or hospital and back home again without a well-functioning vehicle. And finally, he probably already knows that insurance-coverage premiums for malpractice can be significantly higher for medical doctors as can the risk of being sued.
A friend of mine in Australia is also gifted at diagnosing, solving, and fixing problems in vehicles. He has more work than he can do because of his stellar abilities and excellent reputation. I call him “doc,” for short, even though society has not accorded him a bunch of initials behind his name because society has rewarded various types of careers so very differently. The bottom line is that your son appears to be gifted in his line of work and it’s wonderful that he figured that out and perused it. Affirm him for his skills and help him feel good about his brain, his abilities, and himself.
First of all, realize that if she is talking to you about others, she is probably complaining to them about you, as well. There can be different underlying contributors to this type of behavior. Here are some ideas to consider:
You are not powerless in this situation. There are options you may want to consider. Make sure your own communication style is positive and affirming. Endeavor to compliment her whenever possible so you are role-modeling a desirable communication style. If she says negative things about another individual you could say, “I would prefer to talk about something positive,” or “I am uncomfortable criticizing others, especially behind their back.” Or you could just introduce another topic of conversation. Remember that her negativity and criticism of others will impact your brain. If this behavior continues you may need to think about limiting the time you spend with her.
It takes collaboration (openly acknowledged or de facto) for a male to live off his wife. He has to want to do it and she must be willing to allow him to do so. It isn’t ideal for either. Studies have shown that males feel good about themselves based on their JOB and SALARY. The more money they make, the better their self-esteem. Enter the right-brained male who often is a good nurturer and a great cook but because of lack of education or experience or ability to complete with left-brained males in a left-brained world he is unable to land a job with the desired prestige and salary. The next best thing is to marry a woman who has a prestigious, high-paying job, which boosts his own self-esteem vicariously. “Look who I married.” When he finds a woman with a good salary, he works hard to make himself indispensable so she’ll marry him. (There definitely are exceptions and sometimes it even works, especially if there are children involved. There are similar patterns with some females and high-salaried males.)
Do I think he has a brain problem? Sometimes a house husband begins to compare himself to his wife’s perceived success and to other males who are employed outside the home, and the vicarious reward begins to pale. In order to justify his having quit his job, the man must now concoct a story to tell the world (and he comes to believe it) that his wife has such a stressful job that he MUST not work because he MUST be a support to her. He’s really the only person who believes that (except perhaps his wife who colludes to keep his self-worth boosted). People rarely say anything to him directly but they know what is happening, and at some level he knows it, too. Again, there is the excuse that he is taking care of her. Yes, he likely does a lot of helpful things. But as you pointed out, you can hire a housekeeping to come in a couple times a month to keep up the house, especially when no children are involved. He deludes himself into believing that staying at home shows his love for his wife (when he really is avoiding the stress of getting out and working). Interestingly enough, these males often develop health problems that make it so they cannot go out into the workforce. Obesity is one example, can interfere with hormonal balance and suppress immune system function.
An attorney recently talked about how this scenario is a common problem for many high-level professional women. Some grin and bear it and just end up supporting him as a “boy toy,” being grateful for whatever they do get from him, while others give him an ultimatum: “get a job or leave.” They’re tired of working hard and paying for everything. The outcome to an ultimatum is never assured. Sometimes the male chooses to get a job and sometimes he decides to look for another woman who will support him in the style to which he has become accustomed. If he stays and the time comes when his wife retires, the man now has no vicarious job to boast about and the excuse “I need to take care of her” no longer holds any water. If the couple divorces, there are definite financial consequences to the spouse who earned the most money during the marriage, at least in some states. California for example. Such scenarios may provide part of the momentum behind the move for more women choosing to remain single after divorce or death of a spouse.
Some studies suggest that your initial level of self-esteem is in place by the age of three. It develops largely on the basis of:
If your care providers said affirming things to you (e.g., you are a valuable person, I am so glad you are part of this family, you are worth my time and money, I like to spend time with you), you likely developed an appropriate level of self-worth. If the opposite was true, you may struggle with issues of low self-esteem.
If you heard grandiose of magical-thinking comments (e.g., you are the most wonderful person in the world, you can do absolutely anything you want in life, you are more important to me that anyone else on this planet, people need to give you special recognition since you are so special), you may have developed an overinflated opinion of yourself.)
This is a good opportunity for you to do some family-of-origin work and discover contributors to your present opinion about yourself. It requires hard work to recraft your sense of self-worth, to develop a balanced and optimum level of self-esteem. It can be done, however, and it’s worth the work.
You may have conflicts between global and specific self-esteem. Global self-esteem refers to how much you value and respect yourself as a whole. In other words, it’s the total of your perceived worth. Specific self-esteem refers to how much you value and respect a certain part of yourself.
You may have conflicts between your sense of self-worth and your personality facets. Like building your sense of self-worth, the process of developing your three main personality facets—a core personality, a performing personality, and a protection personality—begins very early in life. When the environment is dysfunctional and the caregivers struggle with their own self-esteem problems, children will likely absorb a distorted sense of personal value, have self-esteem problems, and develop the personality facets out of balance. Or you may be living or working in an environment that continually whacks your sense of self-worth.
Excessive adapting can be a factor, as well. If your brain is struggling to accomplish activities that are energy-draining, you will likely experience a corresponding decrease in your specific self-esteem and, over time, in global levels as well. I once heard a brain researcher report that if you expend large amounts of time and energy into developing skills that are difficult for your brain to accomplish, you can raise your competences from poor to mediocre. If you put that time and energy into honing skills that are easy for your brain, you can raise your competence from mediocre to excellent (if not outstanding). Unfortunately, many were taught growing up that you had to work very hard for anything that was worthwhile. Yes, it will take time, energy, and effort to build skills and competencies—it will take less effort when those skills utilize functions that are easier for your brain to accomplish.
Life satisfaction is not just one thing. It involves looking over your life to date and deciding how satisfied you are with it. If yes, keep on keeping on. If no, figure out what you need to do to increase your overall satisfaction. Several components impact it, including happiness, gratitude, hope and optimism, an ability to forgive, high EQ, realistic expectations of the self and others, education and learning, mind-set, a balanced sense of self-worth, and—in my brain’s opinion—living a longevity lifestyle.
During my childhood, I don’t recall wanting things as much as experiences. I loved getting to do something new and different, loved traveling and seeing see new places and cultures, and loved meeting new people. When I was about age 8, my dad and I climbed 3/4ths of the way up the 10,500-foot Mount Stephen in British Columbia to see the trilobite beds. The fossils were amazing—and I was in 7th heaven, as we used to say! In retrospect, I remember experiencing a sense of satisfaction as we returned to our car.
I’ve had similar sensations of satisfaction over the years with other new adventures, like setting foot on my 7th continent: Antarctica; doing a 17-mile hike up and down Pikes Peak in one day. And visiting Prince Edward Island, the setting for Lucy Montgomery’s Anne of Green Gables series. But, in all that, I never recall hearing anyone talking about Life Satisfaction, either.
However, people are talking about it now and some researchers tout it as a key factor in staying younger and healthier for longer.
Not everything in my life will qualify as high Life Satisfaction. Some do as when have finished writing another book; when a Brain Conference seems to go especially well and the audience is responsive and interested and I know that some people will leave with a new perspective; when I am using my creativity to write more short melodies to go between chapters in one of my audio books or have finished filming another set of DVD videos; when I return to another country and see people I have met before and then get to meet new ones; when I get to spend time with “family of choice” and valued colleagues….
There are many small Life Satisfactions. Perhaps I meet an individual who seems rather “down,” and after a few minutes of chatting the person smiles and we wish each other the best for the rest of the day.
Sometimes I make a decision that wasn’t my best option when viewed in retrospect. As I replay it in the way I would like to choose or respond another time, that is another type of satisfaction.
You can evaluate your life in a new way. Have fun doing it. Reward yourself, “Good job!” as applicable. And course correct as needed.
First, each brain is as unique as the person’s thumbprint. Therefore, each person’s opinion comes out of that brain and may have little if any relevance to my brain’s reality.
Second, I remind myself that criticism is often a defense mechanism used by individuals who struggle with self-esteem issues. After all, if they would never do what I did (assumption being they disagree with what I said or did), then they must be better than I am, or do things more perfectly than I do. This gives them a temporary, though specious, boost to their self-worth. It’s a dysfunctional strategy, however. In order to maintain their tenuous grasp on self-worth, they must continually find fault with others. When I received unsolicited “negative” comments, I will usually “scan” them to ascertain if there is anything I can learn or glean from them. If so, well and good. If not, I metaphorically blow the comment away, much as I would blow a rose pedal from my outstretched palm.
One of my favorite sayings is: Your opinion is none of my business. That doesn’t imply a lack of caring. Rather a taking care that another brain’s negatively doesn’t impact my brain adversely. I choose how I will respond to criticism, especially unsolicited criticism. A quote by Viktor Frankl speaks to this as well: Everything can be taken from us but one thing—the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.
You may want to read my article entitled Ostrich Syndrome. It contains an example of how I talk myself through negative comments.
Your question triggered a good laugh. Yes, a thorn in the side of many speakers is the attendee who uses a question as a platform to exhibit how much he/she knows (or doesn’t know) about the topic, has an axe to grind, has a very different opinion and wants everyone to know that, hopes to look superior by making the speaker look foolish, has low Emotional Intelligence (EQ), needs to be the center of attention, or ad infinitum.
Earlier in my career it was tempting to try to turn the tables on such questioners. I’m glad I took a different path and I did that partly on the advice of a brain-function researcher from Stanford University. He reminded me that every brain is unique and only has its own opinion—including, he said, brains that are unhealthy, unbalanced, extremely prejudiced, argumentative, uninformed, damaged, diseased, and maybe just not very bright. According to this researcher, the speaker’s challenge is to avoid taking anything personally, avoid arguing about the other person’s opinion or belief, decide how long the entire audience is to be subjected to the diatribe, and learn strategies to move on as graciously as possible.
There are only a few things that I believe the brain can learn to control. Such as: how long you want to harbor a specific thought and whether or not you want to take action based on that thought, your conscious visualizations (what you place in your mind’s working memory), what you say to yourself and others, and the behaviors you consciously choose to exhibit. My goal is to present my brain’s opinion of the research under discussion without making a questioner feel stupid, bad, less than, or etc. That may not always be the outcome because every brain chooses how to respond but at least I have made my comments without any put-down intent.
An incident occurred recently while I was making a presentation at a four-year college. An older attendee said: “I’m sure you can give me references of studies to confirm that the Caucasian brain innately has a much higher average IQ than non-Caucasian brains, right?” What made it egregious was that the question had been asked by a Caucasian in the presence of hundreds of brains from a variety of different races and cultures.
A professor in the audience later told me that I turned my back to the audience momentarily and when I turned around said, “I cannot believe that someone would even ask such a question in the 21st Century. To my knowledge no such studies exist.” Then I took the next question. Obviously my body language demonstrated how gob smacked I was (to use a British expression from my childhood).
I’ve thought about that question several times since. I’ll never know for sure what triggered it. Cellular memory, past personal experiences, serious self-esteem issues? Your guess would be as good as mine. Sometimes questions such as that do influence speakers, myself included, to avoid taking questions from a general audience.
Good questions. I’ve puzzled over this type of behavior myself, especially when I was the last speaker for the morning (or afternoon) and those preceding me exceeded their allotted time in a somewhat cavalier manner me exceeded their allotted time in a somewhat cavalier manner (to my way of thinking).
The speaker who robs others of platform time is a thief of sorts, taking something beyond what was allotted. When that is done in the name of religion it is all the more odious. I imagine it is difficult for the seminar host or moderator to know how to proceed at times. Some actually announce in advance that there will be a five-minute warning given and then the public address system will be turned down. On the other hand, one speaker I heard announced as he began his presentation that “the PA operator is my employee, and if he knows what is good for him the PA will stay turned on!” Some hosts have indicated they refuse to invite long-winded speakers back.
What was with their brains? I wish I knew. Their behavior may involve a form of arrogance—they really believe that what they have to say is more valuable than what others can present. Or it may involve low EQ (emotional intelligence) where they have poorly developed skills related to situational appropriateness. Either way, my perception is that self-esteem issues are involved. Perhaps an overinflated sense of one’s worth prompts the individual to run rough shod over other speakers in a way that he/she would likely not want to be treated. This perspective doesn’t make their disrespectful behaviors go away. It does help remind me to avoid taking it personally.
A wise mentor once told me that it takes far more wisdom, experience, and skill to present succinctly and to stay within time parameters than it does to drone on ad infinitum. Consequently, I can even chuckle when I’m waiting for my turn to speak and the minutes allotted to me are ticking away. Seeing the humor helps keep my brain from downshifting.
If I end up on the short end of the time stick and only have 20 minutes instead of 90 minutes, I simply offer one aspect of my planned presentation and let it go at that. It’s a choice—to get frustrated and upset and expend valuable energy, or to deal with what is. I choose to avoid expending my valuable life-force resources in reaction to another person’s behavior.
What a great question. Let me make a few observations—all my own brain’s opinion, of course.
Some of the individuals who are quick to criticize are people who have never done anything that approaches the level of accomplishment and hard work done by the person they are criticizing. My father used to say that anyone could sit in judgement and be critical; few are willing to put in the time, energy, and hard work to put themselves out in the public eye. And if you do that, it is imperative that you are very clear about what you want to accomplish and realize that you will be criticized. Period. Those who have a bent to criticize will not attempt “to walk in your shoes” before drawing all perceived failures to your attention.
However, anyone in the public eye can expect criticism. Recently, I heard that Queen Elizabeth II of Britain and her husband, Prince Philip, were self-isolating outside of Buckingham Palace. This was soon followed by some critical comments on social media such as: “Isn’t that rather selfish?” “Shouldn’t she be up front and center encouraging her ‘people’?” “We don’t have the option of a second residence…” and so on.
Admittedly I am a bit biased having grown up in Canada, part of the British Empire. The Queen is human, just like the rest of us, just with a much more difficult job, and yet I’ve never heard a report of her being unkind to any of her subjects or saying critical things about others. Yes, she has had challenges with some of her adult children, as many parents have, yet she is unfailing kind and supportive and considers them loved members of the family. I am hard pressed to find another “Royal” or “Head of State” or “Dictator” who is a better role model of decorum.
Queen Elizabeth II is the longest-reigning British monarch and Prince Philip the longest-serving royal consort. They have been married for over 70 years, also the longest-enduring marriage in British royal history. They are both in their 90s—late 90s for Prince Philip. If you’ve been listening to the news about the Coronavirus pandemic, you’ve likely discovered that individuals in that age bracket are at much higher risk of complications if they contract the virus. I think their choice is “healthy selfishness” in action and an example of what everyone is being asked to do within their own lifestyle. Many applaud the choice of the British people to retain a monarchy to give class, history, a draw for tourists that benefits the economy, and a role model of appropriate public demeanor for heads of state. Plus, there is no one that does classy and high-class pageantry better than the British people and the monarchy—and the world loves pageantry. I know I do! My hat is off to her.
