There can be many reasons that a person fails to develop and hone the ability to trust. Appropriate trust is a developmental task that hopefully starts to develop quite early in life and then is enhanced by learning discrimination: who or what is it safe to trust and when it isn’t safe. Both boys and girls need to develop appropriate trust, but it may be even more important for females because, truth be told, there are many times in this present world environment when it may be dangerous to trust. However, if a person’s partner is trustworthy and the individual still cannot trust, the situation doesn’t bode well for the couple.

When a child learns it isn’t safe to trust (typically due to behaviors of parents and caretakers), then in order to compensate that individual in adulthood will likely compensate by trying to always take control and be in control. It’s a way of feeling “safer.”

For a male who is a high-powered executive, he often partners with someone who is happy to let him lead. Therefore, his “style” is pretty much the same at work and at home. Sometimes this partnership works and sometimes he begins to feel like a parent or caretaker and really would prefer a strong woman¾as long as she is able to trust and can alter her control persona at work into a more relaxed and interdependent and content persona in the home environment.

Unfortunately, a female who is responsible for assessing, critiquing, brainstorming, evaluating, and speaking up at work, may unwittingly bring these habits home without even being aware of it. Add to that, females tend to see “possibilities” in their partners (more than “what is”) and believe that if they nudge and inform and even badger a bit, the male can reach his potential. Problem is that each brain only has is its own opinion and males who must “perform” at work to stay employed want and even crave a place to crash and just “be” rather than continually be asked to “do” (or perceive they are expected to do so).

You may be referring to research on communication. Studies show that the way in which the message is conveyed in a two-person communication (especially when emotion is invovled) occurs in the following way:

• Actual words account for about 10%
• Tone of voice and inflections account for another 15%
• Nonverbals account for 75%

Since so much of the content is conveyed through nonverbals, if there is a lack of congruence between what is said in words and the behaviors that are exhibited the message will be unclear. The receiver of the message will likely pick up on the content of the nonverbals rather than what the actual words are intended to convey.

For example, let’s say that a mother wants her son to clean his room before he goes off to football practice. Typically, as culturally expected, she will smile (or at least produce the “Mona-Lisa” look) and say something like, “It would be nice if you’d clean up your room before you go to football practice.” This is a female-speech style that is somewhat indirect and suggests a course of action rather than direct or demand it. The son may hear the words (25% of the message) but see the smile (75% of the message) and perceive that compliance is optional. He goes to football practice without cleaning his room. Why? There was a lack of congruence between his mother’s words and her nonverbal body language.

Some believe that it may be difficult, if not impossible, to be truly intimate with another human being on any level (emotional, mental, physical, sexual, spiritual) when one or both individuals are excessively adapting. Compare this to wearing a face mask and then ask, “How effective is communication between two individuals who are each wearing a face mask?”

When you are living your innate giftedness there is an authenticity that is absolutely empowering. Others often recognize this even if they can’t define or explain what it is they perceive. Spend time and energy figuring out who you are innately, where you have come from (“family-of-origin work”), and how you can live authentically for the rest of your life. Then, help your teenagers to figure out who they are innately. Their brain function may be similar to yours or very different. This type of approach to life can result in more effective communication styles and enhanced relationships.

Affirmation can be defined as a style of communication a style of communication that utilizes short, positive, present tense, unconditional, and empowering statements. It is the most effective way to communicate with your subconscious mind, program your brain for success; communicate with yourself and others, and positively influence the health of both brain and body..

Since affirmation is so powerful, you would think that everyone would hone a positive mindset and an affirming communication style. Unfortunately, growing up most people heard seven to nine negative comments for each positive. With all that negative input many never learned the art of affirmation. Consequently, it’s no wonder that communication problems abound. Fortunately it’s never too late to hone one’s skill. It just takes knowledge, commitment, and practice.

Your thoughts create your own reality and your reality is reflected in physiological changes throughout the brain and body. The brain thinks in pictures and finds it relatively easy to deal with positives. That’s a one-step process. It finds it more difficult to deal with negatives (the reverse of an idea) because that involves a two-step process. For example, when you are told, Don’t touch the stove, the brain initially pictures touching the stove and then must try to change that internal picture by imagining the opposite. It’s usually more effective to say, Keep your hands away from the stove, and create a picture of the desired behavior initially. In a similar way, negative thinking patterns tend to increase one’s problems in life as the brain mentally imagines negative outcomes.

If you have evidence that the teacher(s) are being demeaning, abusive, or disrespectful to the students, discuss that with the school principal. Other than that, your concern is with the behaviors exhibited by your two children. Remember, bad behaviors are an attempt to solve a problem for which the person doesn’t possess the requisite skills. So the specific issue is less important than the children’s need to learn functional problem-solving skills and exhibit behaviors that give them a positive outcome. Your role-modeling will be key. Here are a few comments.

Stop asking your children “why.” It is just an invitation for them to give you an excuse for their behavior (and it will only be their brain’s opinion anyway, because that’s all any brain has). There is no excuse for bad behavior. Discussing excuses just detracts from the issue at hand, which is how to exhibit acceptable behaviors next time. That is the children’s job and responsibility: to exhibit good behaviors. No excuses.

Adults teach children how to treat them. If they are arguing with the teacher(s) and being disrespectful, it is highly likely they are doing the same with you. Arguing and disrespect are usually attempts to take the spotlight off the child and turn it back on the adult through blaming. This only works if the adult picks up the blame responsibility, gets side-tracked from the real issues, and allows the bad behaviors to continue. Figure out what problem-solving skills your children (and/or you) need to develop in order to exhibit good behaviors. Then start role modeling those skills and expect the same from your children. What do you as a parent exhibit? Role model respect and no arguing.

For example, if the child says, “I forgot my homework because the teacher had a bad day,” your response might be: “Everyone has a bad day from time to time. Homework is your responsibility. Finish it now.” Then you turn around and walk away. Engaging in further conversation about how bad the teacher’s day was, how unfair life is, how you don’t understand the child (or whatever) is unhelpful and puts the “power of delaying” in the hands of the child. 

You may be familiar with an old saying: “If I had a dollar for every time _______.” Fill in the blank. Unless you are exhibiting behaviors on purpose to get attention, make yourself stick out, or violate common norms of decency, you might just want to let it go. It’s only their brain’s opinion.

If you feel compelled to say something, be sure your thoughts and self-talk are positive so you don’t spew out negative electromagnetic energy and compound the situation.

I like words that have been attributed to Dr. Kareem F. Samhouri:  If weird means I’m uniquely me—and there’s no one else in the world like me—then I’m super weird. He goes on to say that the word “weird” simply means that you have permission to act like yourself, think like yourself, move like yourself, eat like yourself, and be yourself.

Every brain on the planet is different and unique. In a sense, every brain is “weird.” Enjoy it!

This is how my brain understands bias, prejudice, and discrimination.

I think of bias as an innate preference. My understanding of the brain is that has an innate preference toward what is known and familiar. In fact, the fastest determination the brain ever makes when confronted with something new is whether or not it is familiar. When I meet a creature for the first time my brain has already whizzed through a sequence of determinations such as:

• Human or not human?
• Male or female?
• My race or not?
• My culture and language or not?
• Safe or dangerous?

You get the idea. Suppose you see a fork on the floor. Your brain will immediately try to identify the object and search for a label. “Ah, a fork.” (Not every brain on this planet has seen a fork so for those who have not, the object will not be known and familiar.) After that, what your brain has learned about the rules for forks will likely kick in (e.g., forks should not be on the floor, it needs to be picked up so it doesn’t cause injury, it must be washed before it can be used in preparing or eating food). All things being equal, the brain feels more comfortable with the familiar. Therefore, it makes sense that you may be biased in favor of your own culture and language because it is known and familiar.

I think of prejudice as a learned, preconceived opinion about someone or something. It can be positive or negative. For example, I am prejudiced against wandering around alone at midnight in the heart of strange city or eating food prepared and offered by road-side venders in almost any country. I am prejudiced toward certain types of favorite foods, music, books, travel, people who have a good sense of humor, and so on. Prejudices can have positive or negative implications, too. Prejudices are often not only pervasive but also powerfully negative in race, culture, politics, religion, education, gender, and sexual orientation (to name just a few).

I think of discrimination as the process a person’s brain goes through whereby it responds differently to a person or situation or belief system as compared to others. The word itself appears to come from the Latin verb, discrimino (to separate, to distinguish, or to make a distinction).The ability to discriminate quickly and effectively is crucial to living safely. As with prejudice, it can have positive or negative implications. Some discriminate negatively toward people and ideas ad infinitum just because they are different.

Have I have experienced discrimination? Of course, many times. My guess is that at some level or another so has most everyone on this planet. It’s part and parcel of the human condition. For example, recently I offered to speak about brain function at a four-year college. I was told very directly that this would never happen because I was Caucasian. So, as I said, human beings experience discrimination. It’s a fact of life. The bigger question for me is whether or not I will take discrimination personally and overreact or just move on through other open doors. My personal goal is to avoid discriminating negatively simply on the basis of differences.

I doubt there’s anything wrong with your brain. I regret he doesn’t seem to believe you are important enough to reserve his sexual activity for you alone. I wonder what his other conquests would think if they knew they were just for letting off steam?

Nevertheless, this represents a loss for you on several levels:

• Loss of a relationship in which you invested time and energy (and maybe even money)
• Loss of feeling special enough in his eyes for him to choose to embrace monogamy with you
• Loss, perhaps, in wondering what your brain was thinking when you hooked up with him

Grief and sadness are what happen with loss. The fastest way I know of to get a handle on this is to work through the process using the Grief Recovery Pyramid. It is available on my website, articles section. Originally it was designed for survivors of a loved one who died, but it can also work with the death of a relationship as well as with other losses. I suggest you work through that process and then get outside of your head and so something to help someone in your community. Serve at a soup kitchen, volunteer for an hour or two at a local hospital, read to shut-ins who can no longer do this on their own. Almost anything done with gratitude can help to give you a different perspective.

Along with that, I encourage you to evaluate your level of Emotional Intelligence (EQ). It may be helpful to raise yours. Generally people partner with those who are at a similar level of EQ. The higher your level of EQ, all things being equal, you are more likely to be attracted by and be attractive to individuals whose EQ is comparably high. Starting a relationship with someone whose EQ is relatively high can make a big difference in how much energy the relationship requires to keep it afloat and how much conflict you may need to deal with.

When your grief is prolonged for weeks or months, this may indicate that your brain may have had unrealistic expectations (e.g., he will be faithful to me even though he wasn’t to his last partner) and then feels really beat up when your expectations are not realized. The best predictor of the future is the past… unfortunately. That doesn’t mean brains can’t change, it’s just people aren’t always willing to put in the work that is needed to achieve change. Even positive change.

You decide how long you want to agonize over something you didn’t create and can’t fix. Forgive yourself for making an unfortunate choice that turned out badly. Learn what you need to learn, and move on. Congratulate yourself for caring enough about your own future to face some loss now and to take some pain now rather than face a great deal more if you had married him. Oh, and forgive him for exhibiting behaviors that don’t work for you.

Here are a few things I have learned:

• You tend to be attracted to others who are at a similar level of emotional maturity, self-esteem, and actualization. The more personal and spiritual growth you experience, the more likely that you will be attracted by/be attractive to individuals who mirror that growth.
• You always have options when dealing with relationships. Stay alert to those options even when you need to select one that wasn’t your initial preference. This can help keep you out of crisis situations. (I define a crisis as a sense of overwhelm due to a perception of no options or very limited options).
• You don’t always consciously select who your brain chooses to love. You do have the conscious responsibility to choose how you respond to that situation and the long-term actions you take related to the individual. I sometimes remind people who say, “But I love him/her!” that you may love a cute little baby skunk very much but you may decide to avoid bringing it into your home on a daily basis.
• You may want to choose an overall goal for your relationships. For example, purpose that the individuals whose lives you touch will be better off for having come in contact with you, will feel better about themselves, and be affirmed in some way. My grandmother used to say, “You get our owing back.” As you affirm others, you are often affirmed. 

Every brain needs recognition and affirmation and as you pointed out this is rather common childlike behavior among the very young. You’ve seen a child draw a picture for a parent and then not only want it posted on the refrigerator but also want to make sure that everyone knows who drew the picture and for whom.

As the brain matures, it tends to grow out of this childlike behavior, which can appearchildish in adulthood. The healthy, functional, mature adult gradually learns to recognize and affirm the self and has less need to orchestrate recognition. In all likelihood if you did something affirming for another person your brain would reward itself by acknowledging the pleasure it received and would likely not need to draw it to the attention of others or broadcast the gift. I, too, have noticed this behavior in some adults and always find it fascinating.

What would trigger her brain to do this? There may be many possible contributors. For example, her may have received little, if any, acknowledgement or affirmation for things she did in childhood and there would have been nothing she could have done to change that. In adulthood, her brain learned that she will get some attention when she gives a gift and receive additional recognition when she tells others about the gift.

Perhaps she struggles with issues of self-worth. Giving a gift and making sure others know what she did may give her a temporary boost in self-esteem. It will only be momentary, however, so she needs to repeat the behavior to get another temporary boost.

As a variation of the behavior you described, you may have observed one partner continually praising the other when visitors are in the home. Affirming your partner for something he or she did can be a simple affirmative thank you, or it may be a strategy to ensure the partner will continue the behavior. Praising the partner for every little thing in the presence of others may again relate to self-esteem. If the person’s selection of a partner did not meet with family approval, for example, continually rehearsing the partner’s perceived positive contributions may be a way to make the person feel better about his or her choice. It may also reflect the level of emotional maturity in both partners….

When colleagues and I were working with young people who were in Youth Authority for misbehaving, it quickly became clear that behavioral outcomes were uncannily similar for two groups of kids. One group came from lassez faire environments with little functional guidance and healthy role-modeling, and that contained dysfunctionality in the form of addictive behaviors, either poverty or extreme affluence, and/or abuse. The other group were the produce of very rigid (often rigidly religious) home environments with a plethora of rules and/or extreme patriarchal-styles of parenting and leadership, where they were micromanaged and kept so busy that there was little time for play. Typically, the behaviors exhibited by both groups were very similar and one could rarely tell who was who and which was which without reading their case histories.

One of life’s continuing challenges involves managing relationships appropriately and effectively. Your relative success will be impacted by a variety of factors including the degree of development of your brain, the way in which you perceive your relationships, and your level of actualization / differentiation / functionality. I encourage you at your age to evaluate a variety of relationships. Be very careful about making major, life-impactful decisions prior to your mid-twenties when your pre-frontal lobes should be developed.

I have found it extremely useful to assign relationships to one of four categories. This process can help you increase your awareness and manage your relationships more consciously. It can help you to avoid unrealistic expectations or reduce a human tendency to take things personally, especially when people move in and out of your life by choice, or circumstances, or move from one category to another. It can help you respond to death with equanimity (e.g., potentially you are expected to outlive your parents as well as some of your siblings, many of your extended family members, and some of your friends). These are my group descriptions:

Group #1 – Relationships that continue for a lifetime (e.g., for as long as you live or as long as they live). They are in your life to provide you with lifetime lessons; concepts you need to understand and build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. All things being equal, they will be with you through thick and thin, through good times and sad, in health and in illness. This includes the relationship you have with yourself (e.g., the quality of the relationship you have with yourself impacts all other relationships you develop on this planet, you tend to treat others the way you treat yourself). Remember, no one person can teach you everything, only what he or she has learned.

Group #2 – Relationships that continue for a season (e.g., from several months to many years). They are in your life because they can help you grow and learn. They can teach you something you never knew before, help you laugh, and bring you unbelievable amounts of joy and even peace. But they will not always be with you in tangible presence, although you can always have them with you in memory.

Group #3 – Relationships that occur for a specific reason (e.g., days to months). They come into your life to help you through a difficult situation, or to assist you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may arrive in answer to a prayer, request, or expressed need. Then, without any conscious act on your part, and sometimes at an inconvenient time from your perspective, they will walk away, move on, die, or exhibit behaviors that force you to set your boundaries and take a stand.

Group #4 – Relationships that are somewhat casual (e.g., can drift in or out of your life, are generally infrequent, may be somewhat superficial). This doesn’t mean that they are not important in the big scheme of things, but they may occur only as a one-time event. They may give you a key piece of information, or role-model gracious functionality in a difficult situation, or prompt you to alter your behavior in some way because you observed what did or didn’t work.

First, I applaud your boundary position of avoiding mixing business with pleasure when both of you work for the same corporation. Second, I have experienced this type of situation at least twice in my career. Unfortunately. Someone admires what you do and wants to replicate it, but possesses “gifts differing,” as the old saying goes. They then try to compete with you rather than identifying and honing their own innate talents. Yes, people can learn some skills and pick up tips by being mentored but they can only replicate the level of competence if they are innate for their brain. In the end, the person typically does not attain the level of competence required to be really successful at those “copied skills.” Misidentifying what their brain does best can cause a tendency to misperceive how they come across to others. How they evidence this misperception may be exhibited in a wide range of behaviors.

Are you acquainted with the Dunning-Kruger Syndrome for which the authors won an Ig Nobel Prize in 2000? According to Merriam Webster Dictionary, this prize, a parody of the Nobel Prize, is awarded every autumn to celebrate ten unusual or trivial achievements in scientific research. The original paper by David Dunning and Justin Kruger was titled, “Unskilled and Unaware of It,” in which they explained that this syndrome involves a false belief or cognitive bias. The miscalibration of the incompetent stems from an error about the self, whereas the miscalibration of the highly competent stems from an error about others. It appears as an internal illusion in people of low ability and an external misperception in people of high ability. Those of high-ability tend to underestimate their relative competence and presume, erroneously, that tasks which are easy for them to perform also are easy for others to perform. Those with lower levels of relative competence fail to adequately assess their level of competence, which robs them of an ability to critically analyze their own performance that leads to a significant overestimation of their own competences. This, of course, can be deadly for mentoring as well as personal relationships and may negatively impact long-term success.

Individuals with the Dunning-Kruger syndrome tend to:

• Fail to recognize their own lack of skill
• Fail to recognize the extent of their inadequacy
• Fail to accurately gauge skill in others
• Recognize and acknowledge their lack of skill only after being exposed to formal training in that skill.

Anecdotal observations have indicated that these individuals may contact others with an offer to provide specific activities or presentations (whatever they believe their skill set to be) and then get upset when repeat invitations are not forthcoming. In all fairness, an inaccurate assessment of personal competence may derive, at least in part, from the individual’s own ignorance of actual and current standards of performance for the given skill. The pattern of overestimation of one’s competence has shown up in studies of reading comprehension, the practice of medicine, operating a motor-vehicle, playing games such as chess and tennis, and so on. The good news is that improving one’s metacognitive skills has been shown to reduce self-assessment scores as the individual became better at evaluating their own limitations.

How do I deal with this? It can be a challenge, especially when I have at times mistaken a desire on the part of another individual “to get all the help and tips from me that are possible” and/or to be aligned in the public eye with someone they perceive as successful, with a genuine desire for a bona fide personal friendship. Once I get clear about that, I can be pleasant and professional while avoiding being used primarily to enhance the other person’s grasping for success. In addition, I am clear that the only person I compete with is myself, always trying to improve my own skills. After all, every brain on the planet is different so comparing my skills with those of others is a dead-end stressor, a bit like comparing apples with oranges, as the old analogy goes. My brain’s opinion is that Dunning-Kruger Syndrome may reflect a measure of personal self-esteem, which may be exhibited as low self-worth or an inordinately high level of perceived self-worth in comparison with others.

First, recognize that each brain is a different as the person’s thumbprint. No two brains are ever identical in structure or function. This means that another brain will never precisely understand yours, or perceive any concept, belief, or value exactly the same way. And vice versa.

Having said that, I do believe parents have a duty to stand for something, and to role model their values and beliefs, especially related to spirituality. You didn’t indicate the age of your child. Role-modeling morals, values, ethical practices, beliefs, and spirituality (and expecting some level of behavioral cooperation in a minor child) is very different from demanding that a child conform in every particular and at every age.

Whether or not your child (especially a son) decides to imitate your values and beliefs relates to how you actually live (e.g., your behaviors are congruent with your beliefs).

I believe that the relationships between people is very important and should be preserved, if possible, whether or not the individuals construct identical values and beliefs, or exhibit conforming behaviors in every specific. Remember that people tend to return to environments in which they are comfortable and feel accepted….

Unfortunately, the concept of forgiveness may be one of the most misunderstood on this planet. I’ve written a couple of articles you may want to read: Can You Afford to be Unforgiving? and Counterfeit Forgiveness—a Lethal Counterfeit. They can be found on my website in the Taylor’s articles section.

As with almost everything in life, for every genuine article, some type of counterfeit exists. That’s true with forgiveness as well. Genuine forgiveness involves giving careful thought to identifying what happened to you, the consequences in your life, and what needs to be forgiven for your health and wellbeing. It means only taking responsibility for your contribution to the situation (if any) and then following through on both parts of forgiveness. Current studies have indicated that forgiveness is a gift yourself because your brain and body may not be able to afford unforgiveness. 

Counterfeit forgiveness, on the other hand, tends to sweep whatever happened under the proverbial rug, sometimes even pretending that either it didn’t happen at all or wasn’t really that harmful or impactful on one’s life. To quote from my article: In the familiar fairy tale “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” a false perception existed, to the humor of all. However, like the foolish crowd who cheered for the naked Emperor, a person who practices counterfeit forgiveness pretends that the Emperor actually iswearing clothes.

I describe counterfeit forgiveness as casually or quickly saying “I forgive” without carefully identifying the abuse you received, discovering the resulting (usually negative and often dire) consequences, assuming responsibility for everything, and failing to deliberately craft an abuse-free lifestyle. Unfortunately, this type of pseudo-forgiveness can result in serious physical symptoms. Even when an individual has repressed conscious memories of dysfunctional parenting and/or an abusive environment, the body knows. The very cells in your body remember what has happened to it and “your body never lies.” Those unfortunate and unhealthy memories will be acted out in some way or other in your body, which is part of your subconscious mind, and often are expressed in dysfunctional behaviors, as well. And if your body develops serious illness or disease, including autoimmune diseases, the result may be a shortened lifespan.

Remember, genuine forgiveness does not mean:

• Repressing, denying, minimizing, or making excuses for what happened to you
• Pretending it didn’t result in negative consequences in your life
• Taking complete responsibility for everything whether or not you contributed
• Reconciling with the abuser
• Preventing the abuser from experiencing the consequences of his/her actions
• Refusing to accept financial remuneration, if that is legal
• Maintaining a victim stance and remaining in the abuse environment
• Becoming an offender and trying to punish the abuser
• Refusing to move into a survivor position

What you are describing is dangerous behavior. The examples you gave are way beyond a child pushing boundaries. They are intimidating behavior. They are way past defiance. They show lack of respect for both of you with no concern about consequences. They are above simply being angry about a parent’s death. They are showing a pattern of escalating abusive behavior against a parent and grandparent.

If unchecked, such behaviors can escalate into severe injury if not death for you or your daughter. There is also a risk that this type of behavior could generalize to the boy’s future relationships with a teacher, girlfriend, spouse, his own children, or others. You are not doing him, yourself, or anyone else a favor by allowing him to engage in this behavior without meaningful consequences.

No mother or grandmother wants to believe their child wants to be abusive. Your emotions can even make you question if things are really as bad as you think they might be. If you have not already done so, you might ask a physician to examine him carefully. Perhaps he has a brain tumor or some other physical condition that is underlying these behaviors.

As one child social worker put it, “Aggressive and abusive behavior is not a part of typical childhood or adolescence. It’s not a stage that your teen will “grow out of” if you ignore it. If you’re dealing with parental abuse in your home, your child is violating the rights of others. It doesn’t matter that it’s his parent’s rights; that doesn’t make it any less serious or illegal… The truth is, there can be several underlying factors contributing to parental abuse including poor boundaries, substance abuse (by either a parent or child), poor coping skills, underlying psychological conditions (such as ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Conduct Disorder) and learned behavior. Some kids behave violently due to poor coping skills. Others are more deliberate and enjoy the power that comes from intimidating a parent… Parental abuse is a form of domestic violence.”

My brain’s opinion is that this type of behavior is a serious issue and needs immediate intervention. Here are a couple of resources that might be helpful as you review options (copy full URL and paste into your browser):

Parental Abuse: What to Do When Your Child or Teen Hits You

How to Talk to the Police When Your Child is Physically Abusive

I suggest you sit down with your daughter and tell her how frightened you are for her safety. Yes, people can change their behavior, but frequently they do not.

If she insists on dating him, remind her that the brain matures more slowly than the body. For example, the largest of the three bridges that connect the two cerebral hemispheres (the corpus callosum) is not myelinated or wrapped with insulation until about age 20 or 21. The pre-frontal lobes directly behind the forehead that contain the brain’s executive functions (e.g., decision, willpower, planning, conscience, morality) are considered to be developed somewhere around the mid-twenties—and this process takes about 1.6 longer to occur in the male brain.

Her brain is likely a couple of years away from having the connecting fibers of the corpus callosum wrapped with insulation (myelinated). Until this happens, her brain will be at risk for “shorting out” (e.g., making decisions that may not be in her best interests). In fact, any decisions made prior to the maturation of the corpus callosum and pre-frontal lobes may not work very well once the brain has developed and matured.

I would also make sure your daughter knows how to protect herself. For example:

1. Carry a cell phone so she can call 911 or home
2. Carry Mace® or other repellant
3. Avoid going alone with him to places unknown to her
4. If he exhibits a behavior toward her that is demeaning or threatening, or that she doesn’t like (e.g., pushing her for sexual activity on his terms), tell her to put her hand out and say “STOP” in a loud low voice
5. She may need to be prepared to jump out of the car at a stoplight if she is afraid

Having said that, there may not be much else you can do except perhaps to ask another adult your daughter trusts to talk with her. Some brains become determined to “prove” that your opinion was wrong and so dig in their heels in a dysfunctional relationship when you mention your concerns. Remember, her brain isn’t “done” yet! 

For starters, hone your Emotional Intelligence, or EQ. Pay attention to what others actually do rather than just to what they tell you they will do. They may mean well but not care enough to follow through or they may say almost anything in an attempt to manipulate you to their ends or they may have some antisocial characteristics. Brains that are antisocial, sociopathic, or psychopathic (terms tend to be confusing and can overlap) often exhibit low to non-existent levels of empathy and conscience. It can be tricky to identify these types of brains because they are often quite charismatic and will tell you almost anything, promise almost anything, to get their way and keep you in their clutches. Repeated excuses, frequent forgetting, and rationalizations are major clues.

Some estimate that twenty percent of prisoners fall into these categories. Outside of jail, estimates range from one to five percent of the general population. Interestingly, the profession said to have the most psychopaths is that of CEO. According to Eric Barker (Barking Up the Wrong Tree), some psychopathic traits are more common in CEO’s than in mentally disturbed criminals.Martha Stout PhD (The Sociopath Next Door) suggests that using the “Rule of Three” can help you identify honest human mistakes from manipulative behaviors. One lie, one broken promise, or one neglected responsibility may be a genuine mistake or misunderstanding. Two of these is a signal to pay closer attention. When you identify three of these instances, especially lies, there is a high likelihood that you are dealing with conscienceless and non-empathetic behavior.

My own personal boundaries prompt me to run the other direction from these types of behaviors. Any brain who thinks so little of me as to lie, break promises, manipulate, and fail to follow through with responsibilities or promises is a brain I choose to avoid and one I monitor very carefully when some interaction is required.

I guess it would be important to know if you are talking about casual acquaintances or a about whether a person would like you for their good friend. Every brain is different and Emotional Intelligence would say that likely no brain really “likes” every other brain on the planet. I’m sure you don’t. How do I deal with knowing that? You can’t very well ask someone else to do something that you don’t do, i.e. like everyone. I suppose the easiest answer is the one Charles Schulz, creator of the comic strip “Peanuts” wrote. In the words of Snoopy: “I don’t have time to worry about people who don’t like me. I’m too busy loving the people who love me.”

I doubt there’s anything wrong with your brain! The death of a parent can be a major stressor. I remember when my father died. It was a difficult time for me! I’m glad that the hospice volunteer was able to help your father. The landmark work by Kubler-Ross has helped a great many individuals prepare for their own death with dignity. You, on the other hand, are a survivor. The grief-recovery process for individuals who survive a major loss can be very different from the grieving process an individual goes through when he/she is facing death. It’s vitally important to recognize this difference.

Recently I used the Grief Recovery Pyramid, and its accompanying outline, with a group of teachers who were trying to help their students deal with the aftermath of a school shooting. They found it very helpful. I’ve sent you a copy of that handout. Hopefully, it will give you some new options and provide additional strategies for dealing with death from the position of a survivor. I encourage you to take it one day at a time and do the work that’s necessary to heal from this loss.

You may want to refer to the Grief Recovery Pyramid on this website for additional information.

As a parent I would be terrified! Any potential son-in-law who makes these types of demeaning comments or insulting references to or about any female before marriage is likely going to be much worse after marriage. It may be difficult for you to get your daughter’s attention, however, for several reasons:

1. If she has decided at age 26 that this is her “only chance for marriage,” she may refuse to hear your concerns at all.
2. If she does “hear” you, she will need to make a decision about her safety and so it may be easier for her just to refuse to listen to any negative comments about her boyfriend’s behavior.

Typically, these types of males are very insecure and have issues of either low self-worth or inflated self-worth (either way the self-esteem issues can be a big problem). They temporarily make themselves feel more powerful through their putting-down-others comments and by trying to be in control or to be perceived as better than others.

I have no idea the type of relationship you have had with your daughter – even if it has been very good, she may be more open to having someone else gently point out their concerns for her safety. One strategy is to delay the wedding for a year or two… it can be very difficult for masochistic or abusive males to keep their behaviors hidden for more than a few months (although some can). You may recall seeing an interview recently on Good Morning America with the young woman who dated a well-known sports figure for several years – and finally came forward to explain his abuse and tell how frightened she was (in the hope, she said, that other women would pay attention to how their male boyfriend treats them or speaks about other females).

From my perspective, that is both an unfortunate situation and an unhelpful point of view. You might ask him if he is familiar with the law of atrophy: Use it or lose it. As you may know, any brain-mind faculty or skill that is unexercised on a regular basis soon begins to fade. In the case of hearing that can be trigger a deleterious loop. As his hearing deteriorates, he likely will feel increasingly isolated. In addition, his brain will be receiving less challenging stimulation. Over time, brain-mind skills can consequently begin to also deteriorate. Dementia can progress quite rapidly when the brain does not “hear” and stay stimulated. I doubt he would consciously choose dementia. My position is: do whatever you can to retard the onset of dementia. It impacts your level of health, potential longevity, and all your relationships.

My brain’s opinion is that the employees who are making unkind remarks need to “tend to their own rat-killing,” as my little French grandmother would have put it, or in other words, “shut up.” Differences are what make the world interesting, especially since no one brain has it all or can do it all.

Are the differences pathological? If so, you might want to discuss that with your manager. If they aren’t, look for the positives in the differences. Every brain on the planet is different, you know. We only know our own brains—and often not that well, at that. Comparing our own brains to those of others is a dead-end street. You cannot reliably compare apples, oranges, and bananas. Each is valuable in the right context, although all are very different. Perhaps you could become a committee of one to be pleasant to the new employee. Affirm whatever you can. If you are unable to find anything to affirm, at the very least you could choose to avoid being part of the non-affirming coterie.

You might want to study up on Emotional Intelligence and find a way to encourage the office to raise its collective level of EQ. I started raising mine by catching myself whenever I exhibited a JOT behavior and replacing it with a behavior that was higher up on the EQ continuum. If you are serious about this, it can go quite quickly, and it’s amazing how exhibiting higher levels of EQ behaviors prevents a lot of “messes” that would otherwise need to be cleaned up.

Dump all JOT behaviors:

J – Jumping to conclusions
O – Overreacting
T – Taking things personally

So you have some negative memories from high school. I’d hazard a guess that everyone who attended a high school does. Remember, thoughts are just internal mental constructs, representations, pictures. They have no power over you unless you allow them to do so. The key is to view what happened from adult eyes, forgive at both levels of forgiveness FOR YOU (not for the other person–who may or may not even recall the incident or think it was hurtful), and change your thoughts. They only have power over you if you create an enemy outpost in your mind and agree to give that person power over you.

The bottom line is that when you say, “I don’t want to think about that,” a picture of the incident goes into working memory and now your brain thinks about it even more frequently. When you get a thought you don’t wish to harbor you just notice and acknowledge it: “Oh, there’s that unhelpful thought again. I choose to think about _______” (whatever you select). Select a replacement thought and keep course-correcting toward that replacement thought.

Having said that, EMDR reportedly has helped some through this process more quickly. I believe it can be used as an adjunct, although my brain’s opinion is that you still have to make conscious decisions and choose to focus on the new replacement thought.

That’s the age-old question from many people, especially females. They tend to “see the potential” in others and think that they can be the catalyst to help them reach that potential. Listen up: you can only change yourself. You cannot change others. People have to want to grow, develop healthier habits, exhibit kind and gracious behaviors, and reach their potential. If several years have gone by and you are not “being treated very well,” take a look at your expectations of this individual; decide if that’s the way you want to be treated for the rest of your relationship with this person.

One of my favorite quotes is by Maya Angelou. She wrote: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That is why it is important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are.” I agree that it may feel like you are “giving up.” However, expecting someone to change their behavior can be stressful—to both parties—especially when the other person does not want to change. Expectations of this nature are not “love.” It is thinking you know what is best for them and how they should behave.

Jane Goodall said that the only possible way to get people to change is to get into their heart…the problem is that they have to be willing to let you in and they may not love you enough to do that or be too afraid or simply unwilling. So, concentrate on changing yourself…and that may mean accepting that this individual is not a good fit for your life and for the way in which you would like to be treated…

I’m sure your brain is under a great deal of stress and I regret that life with this man isn’t turning out as you hoped. The concerns you posed are complicated and are best discussed with a good attorney. My brain’s perception is that marriage is a business. Hopefully, it is based on healthy reciprocal love and equal commitment to the partnership. It is, nevertheless, a business, and financials should follow good business practice. Each State has its own laws and you need to research the financial ramifications before you marry or remarry. Many males remarry and never add the wife’s name to the house deed. Some never even leave her anything in their will, wanting to retain assets to leave to his children, believing that supporting his wife during marriage was sufficient. That’s one reason I always recommend a clear and thoughtful prenuptial for any marriage, but especially for a remarriage. It is not being selfish. It is being prudent.

Your husband may be trying to boost his level of self-esteem by appearing to be the great and benevolent father to his kids. To do this, of course, he must use your money and assets since he is not working and brought no financial assets to the marriage. A skilled counselor may be able to help him take a look at the emotional ties with his daughter. Ties that can actually prevent her from developing a close emotional relationship with her own husband and might even be a factor in their eventual break up. Few men could meet the unrealistic “knight in shining armor” perception that a girl can develop about her father.

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Unfortunately the words emotions and feels are often used interchangeably in our culture. I do believe they refer to different brain-function concepts. An article published in THE LANCET Neurology, March 2004, reported on research verifying that emotions and feelings are mediated by distinct neuronal systems.

Emotions are physiological changes that arise in every cell in the brain and body in response to sensory stimuli. The stimulus may be something in the environment outside or your direct control or something inside your brain and body (e.g., thoughts). They create, in effect, altered states of consciousness/being, each of which comes with different behavioral patterns, memories, postures, facial expressions.

Feelings are subjective interpretations that emerge from the cognitive processing of an emotion-eliciting state. Based on your preferences, learned habits, background, experiences, education, habits, perceptions, beliefs, and thought patterns (to name just a few), your brain tries to make sense of the physiological changes that resulted from the emotion that surfaced.

Understanding these differences can empower you to manage emotions and feelings more effectively. While you may not be responsible for every emotion that surfaces, you do have some responsibility for every feeling state that you choose to maintain. And you can choose the actions you take and the behaviors you exhibit related to those emotions and the feelings.

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Yes, others can and do impact your energy levels, even as you impact theirs. The type of energy people generate can be positive, neutral, or negative. Being around negative energy is draining. Cells in the heart and the brain generate electromagnetic energy that can be detected strongly within three feet of the body and that can extend out as far as twelve to fifteen feet.

If the individual is exhibiting functional behaviors and thinking positive thoughts, the electromagnetic energy will be positive. If the individual is exhibiting nonfunctional behaviors (e.g., abusive, critical, judgmental, coercive, shaming) and thinking negative thoughts, the electromagnetic energy released will influence the atmosphere in a negative manner.

A chapter in my latest book, MindWaves, provides strategies to help you learn how to quickly and easily evaluate energy drain. Whenever possible I choose to spend time with individuals who are generating positive energy. Of course that also means that I have an obligation to keep my thoughts and mind-set positive so I contribute positive energy to the environment.

You always give up something to get something (and the bottom line is energy). Spending time with individuals who have a similar brain lead may require less energy because you are, in effect, speaking the same brain language. Associating with those whose brain lead is different from yours may require additional energy as you “translate” back and forth. The differences can be stimulating, however, and can make the energy trade-off more than worthwhile.

My guess is that your situation is fairly common in families. It certainly is in mine. I have no idea what is with their brains. Perhaps they do not value “family” in the way your brain does. Maybe they do not want to spend additional money for additional guests at the reception venue. Perhaps they acknowledge you are a relative but have no desire to see you or include you in their family circle. Maybe one or both of the couple does not even like you.

My brain’s opinion is that you had no choice over who was in your biological family. You do have some choice about who becomes part of your family-of-choice (e.g., the people you choose to associate with on a regular basis as you would a close biological family member).

And you can take charge of how you react to their behaviors. At some level, most people love most of their biological family members even though they may not like some of them. Does it hurt to be ignored? Yes. I think it would be impossible to be human and not feel some initial angst. When I heard about weddings in my family and had not been invited to attend, I felt some angst. Then I had to choose whether to continue feeling the sting and allowing it to impact me negatively or to recognize and understand it is what it is, let it go, and get on with living. You, too, have that choice.

Your question reminds me of a cartoon I show in some of my brain-function seminars. It pictures a car stopped in front of a giant road map. There is a large dot on the map beside which are written the words, You are here. The driver’s face shows stunned disbelief. Not very helpful to a traveler!

In a similar way, it is difficult to develop a map for the rest of your life if you don’t know where you’ve been. Without that knowledge, many individuals spend their lives metaphorically driving around in circles. As Winston Churchill said, the further backward you look, the further forward you can see. This does not suggest that we are to live in the past any more than we are to live in the future. We need to know where we’ve come from, identify where we are going, and live in the present.

I define family-of-origin work as the process of getting to know who you are individually against the backdrop of nature and nurture. It’s a journey of awareness. The idea of increasing your awareness through family-of-origin work is an old concept, although the term itself may be relatively new. Your personal history is unique to you as an individual. This is true even if you were a twin or triplet. One of you was slightly older than the other(s) and that fact alone can change environmental dynamics.

Metaphorically, think of yourself as a plant. Your mission (should you choose to accept it) is to learn as much as possible about the garden in which you were planted at time of conception and after birth, and whether or not it was a good fit with your type of plant. If yes, wonderful! If not, you have information to make an informed choice about the way in which you want to live the rest of your life.

My guess is that Alice Miller was attempting to address the way in which some have interpreted the admonition to “honor your parents,” even when those parents have been or are being currently abusive (mentally, emotionally, sexually, physically, spiritually, financially, or you name it). As I recall, Miller’s conclusion was that individuals abused in childhood can attempt to “honor” their parents only by recourse to repression and emotional detachment (because you cannot build up a relaxed and trusting relationship with parents you still fear consciously or unconsciously). At times, this same admonition has been used as a way to control one’s children and/or to sweep bad behaviors under the carpet. In adulthood some children believe thathonoring their parents means continuing to accept abuse when seeing their parents and/or speaking with them electronically. The result? The children allow their brains and bodies (leased for use while on this planet) to be battered in any number of unhealthy and dysfunctional ways.

In a perfect world, healthy functional parents would take great pains to protect their children and avoid abusing them in any manner whatsoever. This is not a perfect world. Honoring abusive parents may simply involve acknowledging the position they hold in your generational inheritance and refraining from exhibiting ugly or abusive behaviors toward them—while at the same time reducing or limiting time spent with them and sometimes stopping all contact with them if they are continuing to exhibit abusive behaviors.

The wording of your question suggests that your brain may have a different opinion about the concept of “forgiveness.” For purposes of discussion, let’s agree that a state of anger is opposite from a state of forgiveness.

When you are angry at someone else, usually because their behaviors have impacted you in a negative way, the levels of specific chemicals in your brain and body are altered (e.g., levels of adrenalin increase). As adrenalin levels increase, so do levels of dopamine, the feel-good chemical. Over time this can lead to an increased risk of your becoming addicted to your own body substances (e.g., adrenalin and dopamine) that rise when you allow yourself to be in a state of anger.

If you continue to harbor anger, other chemicals in your body are altered, as well. Cortisol, for example. High levels of this substance can suppress immune system function and can actually “catabolize” or break down some of your body’s own cells/tissue.

When you “forgive” the individual who has wronged you, I describe it like this:

• You recognize that an injustice was done to you, but you give up the right to have the other person punished for that injustice
• You begin to release the “pain” from the injustice, even though you may still recall the facts
• You avoid some of the wear and tear to your brain and body that can occur when chemicals are out of balance or when cortisol rises
• You may even become more empathetic toward yourself and/or toward others who have experienced a similar injustice

Now, assuming you do not take overt action against the individual with whom you are angry and injure them in some way or another, who receives the greatest negative impact from your continued anger, resentment, or bitterness? You or the other person? You, of course.

That’s what I mean by saying, “forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.” You do not become a victim or an offender, a doormat, or a less aware individual. And a state of forgiveness certainly is not a Pollyanna response to life. It recognizes “when bad things happen to good people.” However, forgiveness minimizes additional negative consequences to your brain and body. You actually take better care of yourself, implementing and living appropriate personal boundaries. In fact, I think of forgiveness as the quintessential example of living the 20:80 Rule. This can result in higher levels of health and wellness.

PET Scan studies have shown that below age 21, there is a tendency for the individual to go directly to the emotional brain layer (no conscious thought) when attempting to answer questions or problem-solve. Over age 21, the tendency is to access functions of the thinking brain layer (conscious thought).

The term generation gap may simply refer, at least in part, to miscommunication between individuals, some above age 21and others below, each trying to communicate by using an entirely different portion of the brain.

Avoid using the word why in communication, if at all possible. That word can typically be perceived as stressful or threatening (e.g., could trigger downshifting of the person’s brain). Use other words to elicit information or trigger discussion. Try instead:

• What did you want to have happen in this situation?
• When you made this choice what did you think might happen?
• What could you do differently in the future to achieve a more desirable outcome?

You bet it hurts, especially if you genuinely loved the other individual. First, you can never make someone love you or continue to love you. Trying to do that is a dead-end street and just causes you pain. Second, they may have said they loved you in order to get something they wanted and are bowing out when they perceive they didn’t get it. Third, they may have a history of revolving-door friendships and you were unaware of that pattern. Fourth, they may have experienced Adverse Childhood Experiences or ACE’s, have not recovered from them, and truly do not know how to be a friend. Fifth, they may have low Emotional Intelligence that, when combined with unhealed woundedness, results in hair-trigger anger and blaming.

You decide how long you will feel hurt because of their actions. When something like this happens to me, I picture myself looking at a map and asking myself, “Who do you want to travel with you as you continue the rest of your life?” The actions you mentioned do not describe a genuine friend. They have self-selected out of your life. I picture myself on my life journey and look forward to those who genuinely love me continuing to travel with me—the others veer off on another path. I avoid wasting any negative emotions on the situation. I certainly will smile and be pleasant if our paths cross, but they are obviously not wanting to stay the journey with me. I do them the courtesy of accepting their wish to detach and never try to ask why they changed their mind after all their promises of a lifelong friendship. My friendship is worth something, and if they no longer want it, I know there will be others along the way who will value it and put regular energy and time into staying connected—and some of them will be lifelong.

Nice try but no cigar. I do not know the content of your discussion or in what way your colleague thought your brain was “excessively biased” so I cannot comment on that.The brain does appear to come with a “built-in bias” related to issues of safety, however. Some believe that this is the fastest decision a brain ever makes, especially when it encounters someone or something or a situation for the first time.

If it is a person, the brain evaluates: “Is this person like me? If not, what are the differences and am I SAFE?”

If it is a thing, the brain evaluates: “Have I ever seen this something before and am I SAFE?”

If it is a situation, the brain evaluates: “Does this situation appear to be safe or unsafe for me?”

This type of healthy brain discrimination can help keep you safe.

Studies estimate that 2/3 of the population has an IQ under the Bell Curve (115 – 85 (with a mean of 100)).

Anyone higher or lower than that can have a harder time communicating and being accepted and rewarded. If the person ALSO has a brain lead outside of rewarded expectations for their gender it can be brutal and the person (if IQ is higher than the norm) must continually translate to a lower IQ’s ability to absorb information. A failure to understand this is one reason individuals with a very high IQs run into difficulty when communicating with others.

Generally speaking when there is great disparity between IQs, a high IQ can translate for a lower IQ; a lower IQ likely would have great difficulty translating up to a higher IQ. For discussion purposes, let’s say a person’s IQ falls in the 97th percentile. That means in a group of 100 people there are only a few (half a dozen or so) individuals with whom it will be easy to communicate without having to restate or try to explain yourself (unless it is a very basic social-niceties type of conversation). That isn’t either good or bad, it just is. You typically give up something to get something.

It can be exhausting to continually be monitoring how what you are trying to communicate is getting through and, if not, how you can redefine it or restate it in a way that is more likely to be understood. That’s one reason it can be so necessary to have a few close friends who have a similar IQ and a similar brain lead—you tend to “feel smart” when you don’t have to translate. Some individuals turn to drugs to try to “feel smart” because they have felt like a misfit, or dumb, or at least not fitting in because of some of these factors, or they use drugs to sort of “zone out” from the effort of trying to be understood. 

The situation you describe is very unfortunate. As the eldest, you may have a bigger or even a more mature picture of what needs to be done, but you will need to communicate your views carefully because every brain is unique. Yours will perceive the situation differently from the brains of your siblings. You can ask for their reasonable help but you cannot force them, as you put it, to “step up to the plate and do what they are supposed to do for their parents.” Their brains may view things entirely differently.

Some sibling groups are able to meet together, evaluate at what their parents need, and come up with a workable plan. Ideally, all siblings contribute equally to the solution although not necessarily identically. Each may contribute in different ways. Some may just kick in money, others may agree to do specific chores every month (e.g., cut the lawn, blow leaves out of the gutters, take a parent grocery shopping).

Once the decisions have been made, one would hope that the siblings are mature and committed enough to follow through on what they agreed to contribute. If there is no follow through, the sibling group needs to revisit the plan and revise it as needed. If the parents are mentally competent, it can be helpful to have them be part of the group. Sometimes living can be simplified and parents may have suggestions if they are willing to be part of the discussion.

In terms of being frustrated, you can do something about that. You can live the 20:80 Rule, which may have filtered down from the Greek Philosopher Epictetus, who taught that it’s not so much what happens that matters as what you think about what happens. Estimates are that 20 percent of the negative effects to your brain and body can be attributed to the event or situation; while 80 percent can be ascribed to your perception of the event or situation—what you think about it and the weight you give to it.

It’s also similar to the 80:20 ratio of cause-to-effect known as the Pareto Principle: 80 percent of the effects come from 20 percent of the causes. In this case you might paraphrase that to say: 80 percent of the negative effect (your frustration) is caused by what you think about the 20 percent (the event or situation itself).

Recognize that “it is what it is.” No amount of cajoling, threatening, demanding, bribing, or shaming, or you name it can force your siblings to do what you believe needs to be done, right or wrong. “It is what it is.” Recognizing that can help you do your part—and stop trying to do everyone else’s part or avoid becoming upset when they fail to step up to the plate.

If you live in the past and dwell on all the “sad stuff that’s happened” you’ll get what you got in the past. You can take steps to change that—not the past, of course, but creating a more positive present and future for yourself. To do that you need to live in the present. Generally, people don’t get what they deserve in life—they get what they expect. If you expect a lot of conflict, you’ll get a lot of conflict.

What can you do? Develop a positive mindset and self-talk for starters. Whenever a negative thought crops up in your mind, Refrain from pondering or verbally rehearing the negative thought. Rather acknowledge the thought and say, ‘‘Holly, that was true in the past. Today you are thankful for _____________.” Gradually your brain will get the picture. You are not denying that bad and sad things happen; you are choosing to focus on the positive.

One family that evidently had a similar situation decided to make a change. As the host family, they sent out cheery little invitation cards for the holiday gathering. It included a note at the bottom that read:

This year please leave all baggage from the past on the front porch. Let’s concentrate on what is good in the present moment. Laughter is being touted as an anti-aging strategy. Let’s laugh a lot. We can hardly wait to see you and laugh with you!

After the holidays, family members reported that every time someone said “Remember when ______” that involved a negative situation or sad story, family members were primed to respond with, “And remember when __________” and relate something happy or humorous or kind about an event in the past. They were amazed that conflict seemed minimal and sometimes they laughed until they cried recalling funny family events. People said it was the best holiday ever. Sometimes it only takes one person to catch of vision of a better way to live—and then move toward making that vision a reality. “Holly, you are doing this!”

It takes collaboration (openly acknowledged or de facto) for a male to live off his wife. He has to want to do it and she must be willing to allow him to do so. It isn’t ideal for either. Studies have shown that males feel good about themselves based on their JOB and SALARY. The more money they make, the better their self-esteem. Enter the right-brained male who often is a good nurturer and a great cook but because of lack of education or experience or ability to complete with left-brained males in a left-brained world he is unable to land a job with the desired prestige and salary. The next best thing is to marry a woman who has a prestigious, high-paying job, which boosts his own self-esteem vicariously. “Look who I married.” When he finds a woman with a good salary, he works hard to make himself indispensable so she’ll marry him. (There definitely are exceptions and sometimes it even works, especially if there are children involved. There are similar patterns with some females and high-salaried males.)

Do I think he has a brain problem? Sometimes a house husband begins to compare himself to his wife’s perceived success and to other males who are employed outside the home, and the vicarious reward begins to pale. In order to justify his having quit his job, the man must now concoct a story to tell the world (and he comes to believe it) that his wife has such a stressful job that he MUST not work because he MUST be a support to her. He’s really the only person who believes that (except perhaps his wife who colludes to keep his self-worth boosted). People rarely say anything to him directly but they know what is happening, and at some level he knows it, too. Again, there is the excuse that he is taking care of her. Yes, he likely does a lot of helpful things. But as you pointed out, you can hire a housekeeping to come in a couple times a month to keep up the house, especially when no children are involved. He deludes himself into believing that staying at home shows his love for his wife (when he really is avoiding the stress of getting out and working). Interestingly enough, these males often develop health problems that make it so they cannot go out into the workforce. Obesity is one example, can interfere with hormonal balance and suppress immune system function.

An attorney recently talked about how this scenario is a common problem for many high-level professional women. Some grin and bear it and just end up supporting him as a “boy toy,” being grateful for whatever they do get from him, while others give him an ultimatum: “get a job or leave.” They’re tired of working hard and paying for everything. The outcome to an ultimatum is never assured. Sometimes the male chooses to get a job and sometimes he decides to look for another woman who will support him in the style to which he has become accustomed. If he stays and the time comes when his wife retires, the man now has no vicarious job to boast about and the excuse “I need to take care of her” no longer holds any water. If the couple divorces, there are definite financial consequences to the spouse who earned the most money during the marriage, at least in some states. California for example. Such scenarios may provide part of the momentum behind the move for more women choosing to remain single after divorce or death of a spouse.

There’s a great quote by Dr. Wayne Dyer that speaks to change in oneself and in one’s friends. I used it in this issue [Brain Bulletin, Spring 2017] for the Point to Ponder.

Bottom line: you can change your own behaviors and consistently role-model that change. The brain is very “plastic.” In a sense, the sky’s the limit—if you believe you can and are committed to altering your behaviors. You can set your boundaries to outline the behaviors you will tolerate in your friends and those you will not.

Altering behaviors in your close friends is a horse of a different color, as the old saying goes. Trying to get others to change often results in their digging in their heels and exhibiting the behavior you’d prefer them to change even more frequently.

For every action, there is always a reaction. As you become healthier and more actualized, differentiated, and functional, those around you will eventually figure it out at some level. If they don’t like the person you are becoming they may initially put pressure on you to go back to the old behaviors that they perceived were beneficial to them. If you remain consistent, they may disconnect from you or they just may look at their own behaviors. If the relationship with you is important enough to them, they may begin their own process of evaluation, learning, and personal growth because they value the connection they have with you and want to maintain it. If they do not, be open to creating new relationships with those who do.

I couldn’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard, “But I love him!” or “But I’m in love with her!” Interestingly enough the comments often follow a rehearsal of egregious (if not life-threatening) behaviors. Thus the appropriate question isn’t whether or not you love this person. You may love a baby skunk, too. Do you want to bring it into your home and live with its behaviors for the rest of your life?” I’ve known individuals who fell in love with a convicted rapist. My question always is, “Do you want to take the risk of bringing this individual into your home?”

You say there’s a tendency not to follow through on promises and commitments. Generally, future behavior is best predicted by past experience and previous behavior. Unfortunately, history teaches us that we as human beings sometimes learn very little from history. While this may be true collectively, individually we can learn from the past and achieve a different outcome in the present. Learning from the past involves evaluating our relationships and the patterns of behaviors that are exhibited over time. Do you want to be subjected to these patterns of behaviors in the future? They’ll likely continue unless and until your SO gets into recovery and learns to practice and exhibit behaviors that are more functional and desirable. Will you be happy and contented for the rest of your life if your SO continues these behaviors?

Knowing that your brain profiles evidence compatibility is one thing and it gives you some indication of how easy or difficult it may be to work on your relationship. That’s different from evaluating the relationship in terms of exhibited behaviors. Remember that the chemistry of attraction begins to wear off in about 18-24 months. To continue the relationship, both partners need to have a long-term commitment and devise creative strategies for keeping the relationship interesting to the brain. Intense courtship situations, during which decisions with long-term consequences were made, may have given rise to the axiom “partner in haste, repent at leisure.”

Evaluate this relationship carefully. Exhibited behaviors are valuable clues. Make a clear decision about whether or not these behaviors are functional, desirable, and enhance your life. Then take appropriate actions based on your evaluation and your decisions. It’s not always easy to do this, but the actions you take will impact the rest of your life!

The state of being in love has been compared to a hormonal tsunami—that occurs within the brain. The anticipation of being with a person to whom you are attracted (usually sexually) can trigger the fight/flight response. Physiologically, this is somewhat similar to what you might experience were you being chased by a wild animal! Next, endorphins (the brain’s natural morphine) stimulate the release of dopamine (a “feel good” neurotransmitter). These substances overwhelm the amygdala, part of the brain’s inhibition center that wants to introduce a note of caution to be sure you protect yourself. At this point, according to Jeff Kramer who wrote a wonderful article for the Orange County Register on this topic, You are toast! In simplest terms, you’ve been reduced to a slave of your brain chemistry.

If your amorous leanings are reciprocated, oxytocin is released; a substance implicated in creating attachment, especially between lovers. That’s one reason that decisions about who you have sex with are so critically important.

This hormonal tsunami, often called the honeymoon period, usually lasts for about 18-24 months. Then the chemistry of attraction begins to wear off and the brain wants to look for something new, different, and more exciting. As the brain gradually becomes accustomed to the relationship, the hormonal tsunami is triggered only periodically. Some individuals get caught up in the initial excitement and seek a new relationship as soon as the “kick in the stomach” begins to lessen. Consequently, they may never experience the trade-off—that deep, abiding, contented love that can grow between committed individuals.

Commitment is a choice. So is keeping a relationship interesting. Partners need to devise creative strategies to add variety and excitement to their interactions. Break up the routines and consciously choose to do something in a different way. It keeps the brain interested!

Remember that loving and being in love are not synonymous and do not necessarily occur simultaneously. Unfortunately, in our culture the term love is used as a catch-all for a variety of experiences. You love sourdough bread, the latest TV sitcom, the neighborhood dog, the newest movie, your new car, your partner/spouse, and so on. Unless the language comes up with new and different phraseology to help define this complex and often conflicted area of life, the best you may be able to do is define the type of love you are experiencing (e.g., romantic, sexual, parental, sibling, confidante, best friend, soul mate).

And then (regardless of the presence or absence of the kick in the stomach syndrome) you need to make a conscious decision about who you will continue to love and for what reasons or purposes, and the behaviors you’ll exhibit around that love.

 I suppose the bigger question may be, “Why do human relationships seem so difficult at times?” In my brain’s opinion is comes down to expectations. Albert Einstein was reported as saying: “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

Every brain on planet earth is unique and unlike any other. Period. That’s the reason comparing one brain with another is such a dead-end street. With emerging brain scanning research on brain differences in general and more specifically between general types of brains i.e. males and females, much of relationship and communication difficulties may boil down to expectations.

In my experience, altering my expectations that another brain will ever perceive life as I do has been life-changing and life-saving in many ways. In terms of communication, period, never mind cross-gender communication, how many people truly “speak the same language even when they think they are speaking the same language?”

Recently I read a quote by Carl Rogers that is quite interesting, especially if you substitute the word “brain” for the word “sunset.” Hope you enjoy it. I certain did!

One of the most satisfying feelings I know—and one of the most growth-promoting experiences for the other person—comes from my appreciating this individual in the same way that I appreciate a sunset. People are just wonderful as sunsets if I can let them be. In fact, perhaps the reason we can truly appreciate a sunset is that we cannot control it. When I look at a sunset as I did the other evening, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a little on the right-hand corner, and put a bit more purple along the base, and use a little more pink in the cloud color.” I don’t do that. I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds.

Bias that is inappropriately managed can quickly turn into prejudice, racism, and bigotry, to name just a few—all of which can become deeply ingrained in the brain. They can impact all interactions, running in the background much like apps can run in the background on a mobile phone.

Unless small children have learned to dislike other children based on gender or race or skin color, they tend to play quite well together and don’t seem to particularly register “differences.” However, children observe their parents and other adults and can pick up prejudice, bigotry, and racism quite quickly—along with bullying behaviors and violence. There may also be some impact from biological ancestors transmitted through cellular memory (Epigenetics). This can include prejudice related not just to race, gender, or skin color, but also to politics, education, religion, and you name it.

Fortunately, as human beings have the opportunity to become acquainted with others who are different from them, they can “learn” to avoid blanket prejudice based on externals alone. After all, the brain is the same color and blood looks red regardless of gender or skin color.

Here are several characteristics that may give you some heads-up awareness:

1. Dishonesty: A manipulator’s concern is really for themselves although they try to make it sound as if it’s really about you. Some can produce real tears, or lie so charismatically that you can be looking at black and when they say white, you tend to believe them. They’ll say one thing one time and then, when questioned, either say that’s not really what they meant or turn it around back on you. If you’re not careful it can be crazy-making.
2. Petulance: Manipulators may agree to do something or go somewhere at your request and when you say, “Thank you,” they respond with heavy sighs or other indications that they do not REALLY want to do it. If you draw their nonverbal signals to their attention, they may ask what is the matter with you because ofCOURSE they want to do it! There is, however, a disconnect between the words they actually said and the nonverbal body language that can over-ride the words.
3. Red Herring: If you seem to be catching on to their manipulation, they may suddenly change the topic. Sometimes they may displace their anger on the new topic instead of really being truthful about the original discussion.
4. Guilt: Manipulators may try to make you feel guilty for whatever it is they believe you should have done or should not have done (typically because it was not what they wanted you to do). They may do this by drawing comparisons between what you did with what someone else did. Or they may sadly whine about the negative consequences your choice had on their lives. This usually involves a truckload of false guilt. You decide whether or not you’ll pick it up.

Trust your intuition and trust your senses. Set and implement appropriate personal boundaries. Realize that manipulators typically have an agenda (conscious or not). When manipulators are successful, they tend to use the same technique on you over and over. This will likely continue until you recognize what they are doing and implement bona fide boundaries. (Incidentally, Bona Fide Boundaries is one of the mini-monographs in the process of development.)

It would take pages to list all the reasons individuals choose to cheat on their partner. Here are a few “bottom lines.”

Cheating is a choice. When temptation arises, the cheaters do not resist because they are drunk or fail to access willpower or care more about their own self-gratification than how this will impact their partner or their relationship.

Males may choose to cheat and justify it because they believe their sexual needs are not being met. Females may choose to cheat and justify it because their emotional needs are not being met.

Individuals who have cheated in a previous relationship(s) are three times more likely to cheat in their next relationship(s).

A neurotic partner with low self-esteem or low conscientiousness is predictably more likely to cheat. So are individuals who have a narcissistic personality disorder or who are dissatisfied with or feel detached from their partner or who nurture their “roving eye,” believing that the grass is always greener somewhere else.

The partner who is being cheated on may separate or divorce, which may increase their life satisfaction in the end but also involve emotional pain and suffering for some period of time that requires healing. The partner who did the cheating sometimes regrets the outcome when the cheating is discovered and begs for forgiveness. Forgiving the person is one thing; ever trusting them again is another.

The simplistic answer is, yes, since everything begins and ends in the brain. A more helpful response, perhaps, is much more complex. Some people have a great need to feel powerful and important. Depending on what else is going on in their lives, they may achieve this temporary and fleeting sense of power primarily when they say “no.”

The “terrible twos” so called, describe a period of time when children are beginning the process of individuation. If they live in an environment in which they have few choices, the fastest way to begin feeling autonomous is by saying “no,” because there’s so little opportunity to make choices.

I see this in adults, as well. Unfortunately, sometimes among females in positions of power. This can be exacerbated when the females have felt powerless, comparatively speaking, much of their lives. When they say “yes” to another’s ideas, they perceive that as being powerless (e.g., just going along with someone else’s choice). In the other hand, when they say “no,” this gives them a temporarily perception of being in charge and feeling more powerful. Unfortunately, they often cut off their nose to spite their face because sometimes they say “no” when it would be so much more functional and effective to say “yes.”

Sometimes I’ve been able to work around this stance by proposing the opposite of what I believe should be done. The response is typically “no.” So then we explore opposite possibilities, which is what I had hoped for all along. This has to be done very carefully because you want to avoid becoming a manipulator of sorts. 

Remember, the typical human brain has two hemispheres—a right and a left. And the pre-frontal cortex is designed to make choices. Many caregivers fall off one side of life’s proverbial highway but failing to give children choices; others tip over the other side by allowing for too many choices. Current wisdom is to deal with only two options at a time. If you try to juggle three or more, the brain will “discard” everything but two and concentrate on those two. I try to work options two at a time until I come to my most-preferred two, and then select from those.

Stanley Milgram’s obedience experiments in 1963 is one of the most famous of studies. His well-known experiments—the stuff of legend as one person described them—were designed to test obedience to authority. He crafted his obedience experiments in an effort to identify how far human beings will actually go when an authority figure orders them to hurt another human being. In his original experiments Milgram reported that 63% of the participants continued to administer all the shocks demanded of them even with the other individual (an actor) “screamed in agony.” Interestingly enough, one study found that Australian women were much less obedient.

Fast forward to 2015 when a group of Polish scientists decided to repeat Milgram’s experiments. Dr Tomasz Grzyb, a study author, reported that the results are just as surprising in this century as they were in the last. Eighty (80) people participated in the study. Researchers found that ninety (90) percent of participants went all the way to the maximum level of electrocution after being ‘ordered’ to do so by the experimenter. Grzyb said that half a century after Milgram’s original research into obedience to authority, a striking majority of subjects are still willing to electrocute a helpless individual. He also reported that upon learning about Milgram’s original experiments, a vast majority of people claimed, “I would never behave in such a manner.” Nevertheless, this repeat study has illustrated again the tremendous power of a situation in which the participants are confronted with obedience demands and how easily they can agree to things which they find unpleasant.

Ask yourself, “What you would do if repeatedly ordered to give a strong electric shock to a helpless stranger?” What you think you might do and you actually might do may be two different things. So my take? Obedience can be life-saving. Blind obedience can trigger behaviors that may kill you and / or others.

If you are interested in reading some research comments, here are URLs:

https://www.spring.org.uk/2017/03/controversial-psych-study.php
http://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fh0040525

Thank you for taking the time to write and express your views. I have several comments. First, maturity is a somewhat relative term. Typically, myelination of “the lad’s brain” has likely been completed (usually about age 20-21) and development of the prefrontal cortex nearly completed (usually about mid-twenties). If he has always accepted your decisions, rather that learning how to make his own, however, his decision-making skills may be somewhat underdeveloped. If this is true, it may represent a failure to help him develop the skills of decision-making and a reticence to support him in his choices, especially when his decision differs from your preference.

I wonder why you become a clergyman. Was it because you had a vision to help others enhance a spiritual connection with their Higher Power, or did you acquiesce to expectations in your family system? God is all about free choice. Did you have that when you chose your profession? Are you making sure your son has that right?

Ethics can be defined in differing ways based on the brains of the human beings trying to define it. I suggest that one helpful description is that ethics are less about deciding absolute right or wrong (since each brain is as unique as one’s thumbprint and no two brains will ever perceive an issue identically), and more about figuring out the best course of action for a specific individual based on his/her own innate giftedness, mission, vision, values, and belief system. It would be possible for you and your son to have some ethical differences that would each be acceptable based on your own innate giftedness.

How long do you intend to impose your desires on another adult (albeit one who is related to you) on the basis of “head of household” or patriarchy as you put it? Input is one thing. Control is quite another. One danger of patriarchy can be a failure on the part of others in the family to develop their own expertise in decision-making; another can be interfering with their desire to live authentically in line with their own innate giftedness. When you die and are no longer present to insist on compliance, they may be adrift, or worse yet, easily succumb to the influence of another controller.

As a member of the clergy you are no doubt familiar with the biblical admonition to train a child in the way he should go. Although often applied to theology, it has a broader educational application. Our role is to help a child find the way he should go congruent with his own innate gifted-ness, rather than try to make him conform to what another human being (albeit a parent) wants. I appreciate your wish to continue the family tradition of clergy in every generation. If the one male doesn’t feel called to that type of ministry, how about one of the eleven girls? Do any of them have a bent toward ministry, or does your family system limit professional options based on gender?

Finally, I encourage you to present your reasons for believing your son is well suited to spend his life as a minister. If he disagrees, affirm him, accept his choice, and devote your energy to maintaining a thriving relationship between the two of you. Who knows? If he follows through on becoming a pilot he just may fly you and other clergy to your various destinations. That’s a form of ministry, too!

In some cultures the male is expected to pay for dinner; in others people take turns. Still others just divide the bill evenly among the adults present. So when one person always insists on paying, it may be due to his perception of cultural expectations. It may also be he (usually a he) wants to evidence his wealth or wants to be in charge or figures if he pays he gets to choose the venue or it makes him feel important.

Having said that, all things being equal and finances are no problem, I understand that “turn about is fair play.” Personally, I enjoy reciprocating. However, if it makes others feel uncomfortable then I need to decide whether it is worth creating the discomfort in order to make myself feel comfortable. In the big picture, “giving” is the other side of “receiving.” When one person always insists on “giving,” it may be because the individual is uncomfortable “receiving.” But in effect, that blocks others the opportunity and the pleasure they would receive from giving.

If “it is what it is” and he can afford to foot the bill, your decision is how to relate to that: graciously with a “thank you for dinner,” or ungraciously because you are uncomfortable with receiving (in which case you may want to figure out the reason you are uncomfortable accepting the dinners…).

Why do you need to do anything? Her statements simply reflect her brain’s opinion; one that she is entirely entitled to possess. I hazard to guess that many individuals have allowed aspects of their lives to be stiffled by the comments of others.

You cannot control another brain’s opinion (nor would it be advisable to try). You can control your own choices and beliefs. If your opinion matches that of your friend, fine. If not, then step to your own drummer, and do it right smartly!

Good question. I am aware of a couple of studies.  A study published in the Journal of Research in Personality revealed some interesting information. It concluded that intelligent people are more likely to be generous and altruistic. While generosity is not something people usually associate with intelligence, this research clearly shows a link. In the study abstract, the researchers referred to “unconditional altruism” as an enduring puzzle and posited that the “costly signaling theory,” a well-established framework in biology and economics, may be useful to shed light on the individual differences in human unconditional altruism. Based on this theory, their research showed that unconditional altruistic behavior is related to general intelligence; that unconditional altruism can serve as an honest signal of intelligence. They believe that their findings imply that altruistic behavior can be distinguished from cooperative behavior.

The second study reported in the Journal of Research in Personality concluded that those who possess a dispositional tendency to value joint benefits more than their own, scored higher on an intelligence test. Researchers studied 301 people who played games that involved either donating to others or keeping things for themselves. They found that those who were more egotistical and who kept more for themselves tended to be less intelligent. While those who were more generous to others tended to be more intelligent (e.g., individuals with higher IQs were more concerned with the public good.) Comments by the authors concluded that the evidence presented supports the possibility that unconditional altruism may serve as a costly signal of general intelligence because altruism is costly and is reliably linked to the quality “general intelligence.” They also found that children’s intelligence predicts later socio-economic success better than attributes of their parents’ attributes, concluding that intelligence is an indicator of future resources. A person with high cognitive skills may be able to donate more in advance than someone with lower skills and perhaps can afford to be more generous because they have more to give.

Christian Smith at the University of Notre Dame and colleagues are studying the science of generosity, as they put it. They defined generosity as the virtue of giving good things to others freely and abundantly. They also pointed out that generosity also involves giving to others not simply anything in abundance but rather giving those things that are good for others. The goal of true generosity is to enhance the true wellbeing of those to whom it gives. Generosity can involve tangible and intangible gifts. Many automatically think of money and possessions. Some of the intangibles may even be more important in the long term, including personal time, attention, aid, encouragement, emotional availability, empathy, the sharing of information to help promote personal growth and high level of Emotional Intelligence, and so on. The researchers were also clear that generosity is not identical with pure altruism, since people can be authentically generous in part for reasons that serve their own interests as well as those of others. If indeed, generosity is a virtue, to practice it for the good of others also necessarily means that doing so achieves one’s own true, long-term good as well. Perhaps like all the “virtues,” true generosity is in people’s best enlightened self-interest to learn and to put into practice.

The brain only continues behaviors for which it gets a reward. Forty years is a long time! I can appreciate that you love your cousin; I can also appreciate that your brain may be recognizing that a genuine, healthy relationship is a two-way street. Pay attention. You have no obligation to invite him or anyone over to your house or take them to programs and plays. The best predictor of the future is the past. If you want to continue the invitations for YOUR brain, recognizing that HIS brain will not reciprocate, that’s your choice. You also have the option of altering your behavior. In fact, it might be interesting to stop issuing him invitations and see what happens.  

He may be relieved and never call, having accepted your invitations for your sake. Or he may call because he’s been using your invitations to save spending money on entertainment. If he does contact you, be ready with what you want to say. Here are some possible responses:

“Over the years I’ve never received a reciprocal invitation from you so I’ve decided to give you break in case you were accepting them just to please me.”

“I’ve enjoyed the things we did together. Lately I’ve developed a new interest (if you have) and am spending more time doing that.”

“My finances have changed with retirement. I’m happy (if you are) to do things with you in the future as long as we each purchase our own tickets.”

Good boundaries and a high level of Emotional Intelligence can help you avoid allowing others to take advantage of you.

To paraphrase Amazon.com, this grandfather of all people-skills books was first published in 1937. It has been reprinted several times because Carnegie had an understanding of human nature and an effective way of explaining his perspective. For example, he believed that financial success is 15% professional knowledge and 85% related to an ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people. That’s relatively timeless.

As far as something a bit more current, the concept of emotional intelligence wraps up much of what Carnegie tried to teach, just in slightly different language. It can help to focus your attention on becoming more actualized, differentiated, and functional; and on understanding, managing, and appropriately using the information provided to you by your emotions. Because what you say and do comes out of the fountain of who you are innately. You can learn from either resource, but put the two together and you likely get the best of both worlds. One caveat: it doesn’t matter how good something is and how clearly it offers “tools” for you to use unless you do the work. It take practice and more practice to make those tools work for you hand-in-glove. As grandpa used to say: “Just sittin’ on the bank won’t put a fish on your hook. It takes a pile of castin’ using worms you got up early to dig up.” 

It would take a mind-reader to figure out his brain and no one is. One guess is that he somehow thinks that if the kids accept you, it is redemption for him. If they have “forgiven” him, everything is now hunky dory. This may be a form of “using you” to make himself feel better, and you will need to decide if you want to be “used” in that manner. Another guess is that he’s trying to boost his self-worth by getting his kids to accept his choices and behaviors. Again, their approval would condone his behaviors. Usually a dead end. Kids believe what they believe even if they are civil to you when you are with them. If he dropped dead tomorrow, they would likely not hesitate a moment in taking you to court to try to get whatever they think he brought into the marriage that now belongs to them (or half your assets if you put his name on your house, or car, or bank accounts, etc.) Unfortunately, it happens more often than one would like to believe…. I suggest you discuss this with your financial advisor and with a trusted counselor and seriously consider the advice you receive.

You’re right. It isn’t fair. Your home belongs equally to both of you even though your contribution has been caring for it and the family while your husband’s has been that of breadwinner. No, life isn’t fair! But that doesn’t mean you can’t embrace it and thrive.

His comments likely derive from fear and from a sense that he may be losing control over you. He may sense that you will be spending less time waiting on him hand and foot. Perhaps his education has been used to bolster his own sense of self-esteem and it may be extremely threatening for him to perceive that you may learn what he knows. After all, how could he then feel superior? Avoid making the assumption that his use of the word lesbian has anything to do with sexual preference. Recently someone sent me a powerful quote by Suzanne Pharr:

“How many of us have heard battered women’s stories about their abusers calling them lesbians or labeling the battered women’s shelter a lesbian place? The abuser is not so much labeling her a lesbian as he is warning her that she is choosing to be outside society’s protection (of male institutions), and she therefore should choose to be with him, with what is “right.” He recognizes the power in woman-bonding and fears loss of her servitude and loyalty; the potential loss of his control. The concern is not affectional/sexual identity; the concern is disloyalty. The labeling is a threat…. Our concern with homophobia, then, is not just that it damages lesbians, but that is damages all women. We recognize homophobia as a means of controlling women, and we recognize the connection between control and violence.”

In a perverse sort of way, your husband’s comments were a gift. This is an opportunity for you to review your life, reflect on the script that was handed to you at birth, ponder your relationships, meditate on the image you are providing for your children, and evaluate who you are and what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I have no idea. In my brain’s opinion, it was none of their business. Second, it was impolite. And third, what was the reason they were there? To find fault with your housekeeping and try to put your down or to spend time with you and your brain because they love you? If that happens again, you might try a humorous response such as one I heard recently: “Human beings are made of dust and they will return to dust. That’s the reason I rarely dust because it could be someone I know.”

My brain’s initial response is, “How thoughtful.” At age 97 she won’t be around for too many more years and his daily contact probably really brightens up her day. The way a man treats his mother can be a good indicator of how he will treat the woman he marries. His relationship with his mother is “his” and really is none of your business unless it results in something really egregious that negatively impacts you. Secondly, your feelings follow your thoughts. If you want to change the way you feel you must change the way you think.

My guess is that you’re stuck in the Scarcity Model; a mindset that believes there isn’t enough of something to go around and that you will be left holding the short straw (versus an Abundance Model mindset). In one sense life is about supply and demand (e.g., take the prices of gasoline). However, when misapplied, this mindset can negatively impact one’s life in a myriad of different ways from finances to education and from self-care to believing there isn’t enough love to go around. When it is tied to a low level of self-esteem, a scarcity-model mentality can be lethal in relationships. For example:

A person perceives there isn’t enough love to go around so tries to compete with the attention the person’s partner gives to his/her family, which creates jealousy and hurt feelings and can eventually sour the relationship (meaning “unless my partner loves me more than anyone else, and spends time with me exclusively, I’m unworthy” instead of recognizing that there any many types of love and competition for “love” is disempowering). Most people have plenty of love for parents, grandparents, siblings, children, close friends, and so on.

A child believes there isn’t enough food to go around (which may have been true at one point in childhood) and so develops a pattern of overeating, ingesting far more food at a sitting than is really needed “in case” there isn’t enough at the next meal

Recovery begins with believing that you are valuable simply because you exist; that sufficient resources do exist; and that you have what you need or that you are able to get what you need. Embrace the Abundance Model mindset that says the human heart can stretch very wide and contain a huge amount of love. More and more websites are offering tips on dealing with a scarcity-model mentality. You might check out this example from “O Magazine” to get you started. 

The condition now known as Selective Mutism is a complex childhood anxiety disorder. It’s not that the child chooses not to speak; they are literally unable to speak in specific environments, unable to communicate effectively in social settings. In school, for instance. Estimates are that one in every 140 children (more girls than boys) may develop this condition. If left untreated, this condition may persist into adulthood. The child with Selective Mutism needs verbal reassurance, love, support, and patience. (Some require more extensive therapy and treatment.) There are several references on the internet if you want more information. One is the Selective Mutism Center. Dot. Org. What Is Selective Mutism?

And yes, my brain’s opinion is that everything begins in the brain and that includes anxiety, which is part of the core emotion of fear.

I think your brain can develop a type of hypersensitivity because it never knows when the parrot will let loose and so it is in a constant state of stress-readiness and stress-alertness. Taking anti-anxiety medication would be a band-aide approach and would likely not provide much relief over time. In addition, every cell in your body would be impacted by the medication.

Stress research has shown that chronic unpredictable stressors can be a huge problem for the brain. As a kinesthetic, the screeching reaches your brain via your ears but also via your skin (your largest body organ) as the sound waves beat against it. Kinesthetics are often much more sensitive to sensory stimuli than non-kinesthetics. This means the screeching may bother you more than it would a visual or an auditory.

You may want to donate the parrot to an aviary where it is in a much larger space and can fly around and be with other kindred feathered folks. Parrots are wild creatures and undoubtedly were never intended to live in a small space. If it would make you feel better, tell your friend that the parrot no longer works for your brain and give her the option to have it back. (Is there a chance she gave it to you because its screeching was getting to her?) If she doesn’t want it back, donate it to an aviary or give it to a pet store to sell.

Remember, just because someone gives you a gift (no matter whether they’re trying to be kind or just wanting to unload something that isn’t working for them) you are under no obligation to take it, use it, or retain it.

How does this happen? Good question. It tends to happen when one brain begins to feel sorry for itself or neglected or has not been working on bonding or perhaps remembers the excitement experienced early on in the relationship. A perception of being “in love” begins in the brain and involves hormonal surges and the sexual energy that is generated. The individual is likely to say, “We have chemistry” and the person would be correct. That’s what it is: just brain neurochemistry, pure and simple.

I tell people: your brain works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth—until you fall in romantic love. Then your brain gets hijacked by phenylethylamine or PEA, which is released by “first attraction” or “romantic love,” and you turn into a PEA Brain. Sexual attraction or the perception of falling in love is fueled by a chemical tsunami involving at least three very powerful neurochemicals:

• Phenylethylamine or PEA:  PEA is a naturally occurring neurotransmitter that resembles an amphetamine (stimulant) and that is responsible for the elation and head-over-heels sensations associated with falling in love. It also triggers the release of two other powerful substances—norepinephrine and dopamine. It is easy to become addicted to PEA, however, and move to another relationship as soon as PEA begins to fall—seeking for that passionate PEA brain stage—which typically lasts 18-48 months. (Individuals who feel marginalized may be more susceptible to PEA.) There may be some small neurochemical tsunamis after that but rarely like it “used to be.”

• Norepinephrine or Noradrenaline:  PEA triggers the release of norepinephrine, both a hormone and a neurotransmitter that impact every cell in the brain and body. Its effects are felt in the form of sweaty palms and a pounding heart. It works with the autonomic nervous system, which acts largely subconsciously, and regulates sexual arousal. 

• Dopamine:  Dopamine is also a hormone and a neurotransmitter. This powerful substance—involved in all addictive behaviors—is released when you anticipate something pleasurable (50% of all the dopamine in your body is in your Gastrointestinal Tract). Triggered by PEA, adrenalin, and sexual activity, dopamine helps you feel better. Even thinking about something you perceive might be pleasurable can trigger the release of dopamine.

Be very clear that becoming romantically and/or sexually attracted to another person (especially if you are already married), is not “love.” It does involve a thought—a thought triggered by neurochemistry. The individual need not follow through on the thought or engage in behaviors triggered by the chemical tsunami. The person’s behavioral decisions will follow the thoughts that he or she ponders and harbors. I am not saying that divorce is never warranted; I am saying that there are generational consequences and ramifications to consider. (This is especially of concern if children are involved.) Depending on the individual’s moral and ethical beliefs, there can be years of remorse that negatively impact the new relationship…. If your friends decide to stay together, he will need to completely break off all communication of any type with the other women—and he must choose to fall in love all over again with his wife. They did it once, they can do it again. The couple, however, must work on building the relationship with a variety of activities to keep things fresh and new. When they do that, bonding is assisted by three other chemicals. More on that another time.

Since studies related to Emotional Intelligence have found that it is worth 80% of your success in life—and since it is so often misunderstood—“Social Insurance” may be another practical way to understand this. Research by John Gottman and colleagues at the University of Washington (in an attempt to gain more understanding about relationships and how they function) found that brains apparently keep an informal count of behaviors and categorize them as positive or negative. Think of this as a positive-negative emotional bank account that resides in each brain. And it isn’t just tit-for-tat, either. It’s more than keeping an equal score of positive versus negative behaviors. Social insurance indicates that you need to keep a balance of at least four or five positive behaviors to every negative behavior in order to maintain good relationships.

Building social insurance in like making small deposits in a bank account that gradually accumulate and build trust between individuals. If you focus on trying to avoid making mistakes in social interactions, this can actually create a sense of anxiety, which can backfire as you attempt to provide four or five positives for each negative impact. In addition, small and even subtle positives appear to have the same effect as big positives. Therefore, finding ways to make many small positive impacts is likely to be the best way to approach social insurance. These could include smiling, using genuine mirthful laughter together, letting someone go first in line, sending a kind message encouraging someone who is going for an interview or facing a tough challenge at work, or sending a short text saying, “Thanks for inviting me to lunch. It was fun and I had a good time.”

Using the bank account metaphor for social insurance, the bad news is that apparently the brain does not wipe out negative balances at the end of the day, but instead carries them over to your next interaction with a given individual. This means that you can end the day not just being at zero but actually “in the red” with someone, which can add interest, if you will, to your emotional debt in their minds. Conversely, you can end the day with money in their bank. Leaving social interactions with positive outcomes is like adding money to their bank account, which tends to build trust, and may even resemble gaining interest in the deposit you made to your bank account with them.

 I can understand your concern. You may want to review a book entitled The Sociopath Next Door. It was written by Martha Stout, PhD, a clinical psychologist in private practice, who served on the faculty in psychology in the department of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School for twenty-five years. According to Stout, 4% of the population can be considered sociopathic.

Perhaps the chief symptom of a psychopathic is an apparent lack of conscience (as most people perceive conscience). The person exhibits no ability to exhibit (or perhaps even experience) any guilt, shame, or remorse and seems oblivious to the pain of others.

According to investigative journalist Mike Adams, NaturalNews Editor, sociopaths he has investigated often have a little group of spellbound followers who consider him/her to be a prophet. Jim Jones of the Jonestown poisoned Kool-Aid is a particularly frightening example. Other examples include Marshall Applewhite of the heaven’s gate group and Charles Manson.

Some sociopaths reportedly are highly intelligent but extremely self-serving at the same time. They are determined to win at all costs and will not be reasoned with. As one person put it, attempting to reason with a sociopath only wastes your time and annoys the sociopath.

There may be little you can do for your sister if she has fallen under a charismatic spell, so to speak. Perhaps you could try to research some of the things this individual has claimed and determine if they check out in the real world, outside the person’s sphere of direct control. Unfortunately, most of the stories presented by sociopaths cannot really be confirmed or denied. The sociopath relies on them, however, to shore up an aura of wisdom, authority, knowledge, etc.. Whatever you do, be very careful. These individuals can be extremely dangerous if confronted or exposed.

Let me begin by asking you a question: “Do you want your child’s brain to reach its IQ potential or not?” Your question does remind me of the ongoing debate about the pros and cons of corporal punishment in raising children and adolescents. As I pointed out recently in my Brain Blog, researchers have found a link between spanking and IQ levels. Following are some of the study conclusions:

• Children who were spanked in childhood have lower IQs
• The more children were spanked, the slower the development of their mental ability and the lower their IQ level
• Countries in which spanking children was more common saw stronger links between corporal punishment and IQ
• The IQ of children 2–4 years old who were not spanked was 5 points higher when tested four years later than those who were spanked.
• Corporal punishment experienced into the teenage years may hamper brain development even more.

In general, children tend to find spanking highly stressful and it can fall into the category of “abusive behaviors.” The child learns that it is okay to whack human beings who are smaller than they are “because they can.” Spanking experience(s) can leave them with a number of deleterious outcomes:

• Post-traumatic stress disorder
• A tendency to startle easily
• An ongoing dread of bad things happening.

The benefits of reduced spanking appear to include:

• A reduction in juvenile delinquency
• Less adult violence and masochistic sexual activity
• An increased probability of completing higher education and earning a higher income
• Lower rates of depression and alcohol abuse

There are ways to discipline that avoid these potential outcome but they take careful thought and time to implement. Most parents would like their children to be as smart and successful as possible. Avoiding spanking and dealing with misbehavior in other more functional and effective ways can help make that more likely to happen. If you want smarter and more successful children, these strategies are worth it.

What is going on in their brains? Good question. My guess is they think their brains know what is best for yours and if they keep rehearsing their opinion and throw in louder, longer, and even abusive repetition, maybe your dim little brain will get it—and they will finally get their own way.

Some people seem to believe that speaking more loudly is more authoritative. Certainly some people yell and scream—including some ministers, as well. In fact, after listening to a particularly loud presentation during a church service, a teenager commented, “The sermon notes must say, ‘Personal opinion. Lack of evidence. Increase volume.’”

Some people seem oblivious to how loud their voices are. When someone uses a loud voice when talking to me, I may hold up my hand in a stop gesture and say something like: “Please lower your voice so my brain can try to absorb when you are trying to communicate.” It often works. If it doesn’t, I may say, “I am leaving this room now. When you are able to speak without shouting, I’m willing to continue the conversation.”

You might be surprised to know how many others are in a similar situation. I think of it as an enmeshed daddy-daughter deal. Fathers often think they are helping their child by rushing to meet their emotional, mental, social, financial, and relational needs. Often they are handicapping the child and reducing their likelihood of having a rewarding, interdependent, and fulfilling adult life. A daughter may never find a man who she thinks is as good as her daddy. Relationships with her husband will likely resemble a parent-child model and few men want a child for a wife. If her husband is happy to have a “child bride” mentally and emotionally, content for her to be his “arm candy” and happy to have his father-in-law do all the nurturing, so be it. If not, the marriage will likely not last.

What does your husband (her daddy) get out of it? He feels powerful, and important, and needed, and perhaps guilty for remarrying. It’s a dreadful state of affairs. I would certainly sit down and calmly explain what you perceive and tell him that this is not working for you. He may be willing to see a good counselor with you. However, if your husband gets his rewards from being a daddy and surrogate husband (hopefully without any improper physical activity), basking in the adoration of a 14-year-old child and being virtually at her back and call, there’s not much you can do. In that case, you may need to work with a good counselor yourself to help you extract yourself from a very difficult situation. In a sense, he is “addicted” to his daughter. His brain may even be addicted to the adrenalin that is produced with her constant problems. My brain’s opinion is that it is impossible to have a rewarding adult-to-adult relationship when one of the individuals is addicted to another person.

Ah, yes. Yeah, but. Yeahbut-Yeahbut is an extinct dinosaur. What’s the reason you are trying to hold onto that old dinosaur along with a social support network that is unsupportive to your dreams, goals, and vision? You don’t choose your family but you do choose how much time you spend with them. You do choose your family-of-choice, your preferred circle of close friends. Choose those who are committed to living a Longevity Lifestyle. Studies show that within three years you are at high risk for adopting the behaviors of the people with whom you spend the most time….

According to some researchers, skin color alone may not reflect a person’s heritage. One even opined that most people have some genealogical history that may not reflect skin color: many people with pale skin have some DNA from darker skinned individuals, and many darker skinned individuals have DNA from traditionally lighter-skinned individuals in their genealogical history. That is one reason I am personally pained by the divisions based on skin color (when all brains are the same color regardless of skin tones, for example) and find it unconscionable. When I had my DNA analyzed several years ago, the report said I was at least mixed English, Irish, French, and First Nation—well, I was born in Canada—and it makes me wish I knew more about my biological ancestors. I know I did very well in archery class in college. (Smile) To look at my skin you would have no idea, however.

My understanding is that “systemic racism” refers to a country or region that used slaves to help build their economy. That would apply to the United States (e.g., the cotton industry alone to say nothing of household slaves) and to many other countries. Some form of slavery is still practiced in a dozen or more countries, with the Global Slavery Index estimating that over 45.8 million people worldwide are living in a form of modern-day slavery.

Sad to say, the practice of slavery has been ubiquitous on Planet Earth for thousands of years. Nothing any country can be proud of. The 20:80 Rule I often speak about in lectures may have been first written about by a freed Greek slave who lived in the 2nd Century AD.

I am familiar with the CNN article you may be referring to—posted October 20, 1995 and titled “Researchers uncover Africans’ part in slavery.” According to Irene Odotei of the University of Ghana, trading guns for people was a big part of the underlying motivation.

As of June 9, of this year [2020], Merriam-Webster dictionary reportedly is changing its definition of racism due to efforts by Kennedy Mitchum, a woman in Missouri.

Having been born in Canada, I learned in school that slavery had been practiced by First Nations people since ancient times. Reportedly, Britain was the first country in the world to abolish the international slave trade in 1807—yes, that was before my time—reportedly the first country in the world to do so. Slavery in Canada is said to have ended through case law in the early 19th century through judicial actions litigated on behalf of slaves seeking manumission (owners freeing their slaves). I have not yet located resources that say if slavery involved more than First Nations, although word-of-mouth says there may have been slaves on the Eastern seaboard of Canada kept by non-First Nations people.

Knowledge is power. My brain’s opinion is that each person needs to get up to speed with the history of slavery, systemic slavery in particular. While it is likely unhelpful to hold all individuals of one race—considering we are all quite mixed—responsible for what happened generations ago, it is helpful to use your vote to place individuals in power who are committed to abolishing the remnants of systemic slavery.

Following are just a few resources you might find enlightening:

http://edition.cnn.com/WORLD/9510/ghana_slavery/

https://www.quora.com/Is-it-true-that-during-the-slave-trade-many-slaves-were-actually-sold-into-slavery-by-other-more-powerful-black-people

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slavery_in_Canada

https://www.kansascity.com/news/nation-world/national/article243409726.html

https://www.bing.com/search?q=epictetus&cvid=d8b968598c674ff48dba6971ce70856d&FORM=ANSPA1&PC=LCTS

https://www.theclever.com/15-countries-where-slavery-is-still-legal/

In general, human beings have two eyes, the better to see both sides of a situation; two ears, the better to listen to both sides of a situation; and one mouth, to share one’s opinion when it is appropriate. Unfortunately, many people use their mouth much more than their eyes and ears. You indicated that this person is a “friend.” Meaningful friendships typically involve two-way communication and your description is of one-way communication. Are you simply a sounding board rather than a “friend?”

If the individual needs a sounding board and you are willing to be that sounding board, so be it. If you are not, then you will have to make some choices. For example:

• Stop spending time with the individual altogether
• Spend less time with the person and accept a role as “sounding board”
• Tell the person that two-way communication is a must if the friendship is to continue
• Monitor your time together and decide whether or not it is working for you

 I believe that putting a two-year old in a room alone because he or she said “no,” will likely just teach them that saying “no” means they lose the companionship and safety of being in a relationship with loving parents. Can you imagine the emotions and feelings generated by those consequences in a brain that thinks and feels but cannot express much of that verbally yet? The child is beginning to individuate, to recognize that he or she is a separate human being from its parents and caregivers. Individuation is a skill that is critical for successful childhood and eventually adulthood. Research suggests that babies can understand a great deal more at the age of two than they have the skills to communicate verbally. I agree that it can be frustrating when a child is learning to individuate and when you can’t figure out what he or she wants. No doubt you can imagine to at least some degree how dreadfully frustrating it can be to know what you want but be unable to communicate that. (A similar thing can happen with a stroke when the patient cannot communicate what he or she wants.) Therefore, do whatever you can to help your twins communicate.

Many now recommend teaching babies a couple dozen simple sign-language words, such as hot, cold, tired, thirsty, hungry, come, go, up, down, and so on. Meantime, as you are teaching them these skills, guess what they want and give them two choices (because the brain only has two hemispheres). Offer a glass of water and some healthier juice. If they say “no,” they may not be thirsty. Do you think they are hungry? Offer a piece of apple or an orange segment. Do they have a soggy diaper or some other uncomfortable condition? Watch their response. Remember that they’ve had more practice saying “no” than “yes.” Some researchers even think that it’s easier to say the word “no” than to say the word “yes.” Sometimes a child can be distracted with a toy or another activity—unless the child is really trying to communicate (unsuccessfully) what is wanted.

What is the point? Understanding what you do not want and being able to say “no” is critical to making choices in adulthood. Teenagers who cannot say “no” because they were never allowed to do this during childhood, are at risk for engaging in undesirable behaviors. And in term of safety, it can be lethal for a female who is so insecure she cannot say “no.” Some even believe that you cannot truly and cognitively say “yes” to something until you can say “no” to something. Some even go further and say that until you can say “no” to what you do not want, you may not even be able to identify what you do want.

I wish we knew! Many share your concerns. Remember, however, that terrorism is really nothing new. A recent television documentary purported the KKK to be the largest terrorist organization in America. I have not seen studies related to PET Scans or MRIs or even thinking styles assessment on the brains of individuals who have been labeled as terrorist.

My own belief is that many human brains are capable of some form of terrorism given the right circumstances, even as many human brains are capable of violent behaviors given the right circumstances. It would partly depend on one’s definition of terrorism. For example, does fanaticism in almost any area (e.g., jealousy, religion, diet, music, exercise, reading matter) that is imposed on another individual fall into the broad category of terrorism?

My guess is that the brain of a terrorist, so called, would need to believe strongly about one or more issues and be influenced by a host of environmental factors. The outcome might be an overemphasis on some aspects of brain function and an underemphasis on others. Terrorism may be the quintessential poster brain for the importance of taking good care of the brain and living life in balance!

Living together is always just “living together.” It is not trial marriage—you can only “try marriage” if you’re married. After all, “trial studying” or “trial swimming” means you are actually involved in the process.

Marriage involves much more than simply living together. Some couples mistakenly hope that living together will serve as a trial marriage. In actual fact, partners who live together prior to marriage may be in for a surprise. Only after couples sign on the dotted line do they really begin acting out their subconsciously absorbed beliefs, attitudes, and expectations related to roles in marriage. It is only then that they often begin to act just like Mom or Dad acted, regardless of whether or not they liked or admired those behaviors. Human beings tend to do as they’ve been done to unless they consciously learn new strategies and choose to exhibit more functional behaviors (if those are needed).

In addition, once the courtship routine is over and the goal (marriage, legal union) has been reached, most people gradually tend to revert to their own sensory preference. In other words, most people tend to express themselves and relate to others in a manner that matches their sensory preference, unless they make a conscious choice to do differently. When two individuals have the same primary sensory preference, there isn’t as great a disparity between the before and after marriage/legal union validation.

These two factors increase the risk for becoming involved in the “my partner changed after we got married” phenomenon, or the lament that “he/she doesn’t love me any more.” This can help to explain instances where two people lived together quite successfully (sometimes for years), married, and then were at each other’s throats, if not separated, within months. Each partner may vehemently claim that the other changed after the ceremony. Well-meaning listeners often reply that no one changes after marriage. The truth is they probably did!

If couples have lived together prior to establishing a legal relationship, each needs to be aware of these two factors and take definite steps to avoid confusion and discomfort related to differences in “role perception” and “sensory preference.”

A couple of factors kick in after people sign on the dotted line. The brain stops whole-brained nurturing (unless the individuals chose to continue exhibiting those behaviors). If partners have the same sensory preference, they are more likely to continue to feel loved and nurtured. If their styles differ, they can quickly perceive a lack of nurturing.

Second, partners begin to act-out their subconsciously absorbed expectations for roles. Therefore, depending on the role modeling they received, one or both partners can really change after marriage. This cannot only come as a shock but can influence the longevity of the relationship.

Statistics from the 1989 National Survey of Families and Households found that 40% of couples who live together never marry; and that couples who live together before marriage have a 50% higher rate of divorce or separation than marriage without premarital cohabitation.

So, yes, I believe that living together is only living together and can never constitute a trial marriage. I recommend that couples give themselves higher odds for success by avoiding cohabitation without marriage.

 A research study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships contained some interesting comments that might speak to this. The abstract pointed out that, ”Insecure attachment places enduring limitations on one’s ability to satisfy important intrinsic needs. An increasing body of literature suggests that such barriers may motivate engagement with stories such as absorption into fictional worlds, sharing experiences and forming relationships with characters, and even pursuing vicarious satisfaction of unmet needs. Moreover, this sort of engagement has been demonstrated to drive narrative influence, further suggesting that barriers to intimacy in relationships such as those characterized by insecure attachment may render one more susceptible to the influence of entertainment media.”

They found that when the individual’s anxiety was low their use of story-based movies and television was lower also. But when their anxiety was high, their use of story-based movies and television also increased. (https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0265407519826345)

Nathan Silver, the study’s first author, has explained the research like this. “For people with attachment issues, movies and TV shows can be a way to try to understand their problems or to vicariously meet their needs for intimacy in a way that they may find difficult in real life.” People who were anxious and avoidant, tended to be most strongly connected to characters in TV shows, and were more likely to:

1. become absorbed in the story
2. imagine different choices for the character
3. imagine knowing a fictional character personally.

Silver also pointed out that individuals who are both anxious and avoiders, are classic self-sabotagers. Many would like to engage in supportive intimacy but tend to sabotage the relationship because they also have avoidance behaviors. For them, movies and TV shows give them a safe place to imagine relationships.

That’s a difficult question, especially since every brain on the planet is believed to differ in structure, function, and perception. Here are some thoughts to consider. Adult are individuals whose brains are sufficiently developed (e.g., mid-twenties on average) so that they:

• No longer need to be continually parented by someone else and who have become their own parent, reparenting themselves as needed
• Are continually evaluating their behaviors along with the resulting outcomes and are course correcting as needed
• Are capable (theoretically at least) of becoming a functional and effective parent and role model to a child
• Have left home

Leaving home means the individual:

• Accepts physical, emotional, intellectual, financial, sexual, educational, and social responsibility for his or her own life and destiny (minimizing any tendency to whine or blame)
• Understands that no person is an island and has a core group of individuals who serve as a support system with whom ideas and decisions can be discussed and feedback analyzed
• Gives up dependency and boundary fusion with parental figures and avoids transferring those qualities to a partner (minimizing any tendency to jump to conclusions, overreact, or take things personally)
• Is no longer automatically programmed by and blindly following his or her transgenereational script (revising it as needed)

Here are some suggestions that I have used successfully.   

• Romantic attraction, sexual attraction, and genuine love (if it turns into that) are similar in the brain reward system regardless of whether a brain is straight, gay, transgender, etc.

• Orgasm in a male is equivalent to a shot of heroin (there is no equivalent to that in a female brain)—so if you are sexually active, it can be easy for a male to become addicted to orgasms.

• You cannot make another person love you—that’s always personal choice. You can love someone very much and they many never return that love. You don’t like or love everyone and neither does anyone else.

• When your brain is not yet developed or matured, it can be easy to perceive you love someone and want to be with them—and in a nanosecond that can change. It’s the here today, gone tomorrow type thing. So when an incomplete brain decides it loves a person and that individual does not reciprocate, it can be devastating. That’s partly because many neuron pathways are not completely paved. Neuronal axons that form the corpus callosum, the largest of several bridges that connect the left and right hemispheres, are not wrapped with insulating myelin until age 20-21 (think fiber optics). The prefrontal cortex is not completely developed until mid- to late-twenties.)

• Remember that unless you did something really egregious, it is not about you—it is about what the other brain is doing. If you really love the other person you must give them the freedom to love you or not love you, because genuine love is never about power, control, or coercion.

• Feelings always follow thoughts, to the extent that you tell yourself “poor me, I love the person and they are rejecting me,” you will potentiate the pain. Yes, rejection and unreturned love hurts and you will need to grieve the loss. When you change the way you talk to yourself, feelings follow. Say, “(name), you are worthy of love and you are lovable. You accept that _______ (name) feels differently. That’s free choice. You accept that and move on.”

• Finally, I often tell young people to do things in groups. Get to know many people. Gradually compile a list of key characteristics that you want in a dating and marriage partner. Now, develop those skills in yourself. Water, like attraction, tends to seek its own level. As you become the person you want to love, you will be more attractive to and attracted by individuals who are also developing those characteristics.

Excellent question and there are likely a myriad of factors playing into this. For example:

• Growing up, what was your role-model for relationships? People tend to replicate their childhood role-models or do 180 degrees different. And as you know, 180 degrees from dysfunctional is still dysfunctional—even if it is “different.”

• Did you have similar or very different backgrounds? When two people bring very different cultural and regional backgrounds to a relationship it adds another layer of things to work through. It can be done, but it takes more energy and commitment to keep the relationship vibrant and on track.

• Did you have similar moral, ethical, work, play, spiritual, intelligence perspectives? The more “equally yoked” a couple is, the easier it may be to work out the difficulties and bumps that are always part of two people creating a life together in the same environmental space.

• When confronted with a stressful situation, most brains tend to “downshift.” That is they direct their energy and attention to lower subconscious portions of the brain, away from the high-level brain functions in the pre-frontal cortex (e.g. morality, conscience, planning, cognitive thinking, willpower, and so on). This leaves the brain to “react” from old habits loaded in the 2nd (mammalian) and 1st (reptilian) brain levels—likely unhelpful in resolving conflict successfully.

• Did you view differences as intriguing, fun, and as adding spice to the relationship or as “You need to be more like me”?

Relationships are one of the most challenging of endeavors—and very worthwhile (in my brain’s opinion) if both parties are mature, functional, and committed to making the relationship work. Recently I attended a seminar that presented some fascinating brain-function research. One of the comments was as follows:

“Current data suggests that only 30 percent of how you relate to others—especially to close friends, sexual relationships, and life partners—has to do with the other individual. Rather, 70 percent has to do with you and your personal past history.”

In my brain’s opinion that puts a different spin on Family-of-origin work—making that investigation and learning process even more critical. It also speaks to the importance of developing a high level of skill in the area of Emotional Intelligence—as your level of EQ is believed to be worth 80 percent of your success in life.

As an introvert, you will find there will be some worship styles that may be more appealing and comfortable. A 5,000-member charismatic church with loud music and dancing in the aisles may not work well for your brain. That doesn’t mean there is something “wrong” with either you or the congregation. It just means that introverts tend to lean toward observing and pondering more than actively participating.

You didn’t identify a specific denomination, so I cannot comment on that. If it is a Christian organization, you may enjoy reading Adam S. McHugh’s Introverts in the Church: Finding Our Place in an Extroverted Culture. He points out that “introverted seekers need introverted evangelists. It’s not that extroverts can’t communicate the gospel, either verbally or nonverbally, in ways that introverts find appealing, it’s that introverted seekers need to know and see that it’s possible to lead the Christian life as themselves. It’s imperative for them to understand that becoming a Christian is not tantamount with becoming an extrovert.”  

Aligning with a church does not mean you must or even should try to exhibit extroverted behaviors. It’s really impossible to sustain for any length of time and could be not only exhausting but also lead to illness eventually. The Introverted brain likes to observe and ponder. You can develop the skill of observing and yet not ever trying to “keep up” with an extroverted brain. To do this successfully requires that you know your brain bent, make healthy personal decisions about what works for your brain and what does not, and select your activities with care. Extroverts, who gain energy from stimulating environments, can find it a puzzle to understand the introverted brain that finds those same stimulating environments very energy draining to say nothing of stressful! It may be helpful to have a few calm, succinct phrases at the ready, too. Perhaps something like:

• Thank you for the invitation. However, my introverted brain needs a less stimulating environment; or, has had all the stimulation today it can handle.

• That activity would be too exhausting for my brain but I would enjoy doing _______________.

• My brain is more of an observer than a participator.