Throwing on her robe, Marilee closed the bedroom door softly and climbed down from the loft being careful to walk quietly among the slumbering cousins sacked out in the family room. Thirteen visiting relatives plus her own family of four meant a host of hungry mouths for Sunday breakfast. One large kettle of roman-meal porridge and four-dozen blueberry muffins later she allowed herself to slow down long enough to take a deep breath, only to let it out in a startled squeak as Jake’s mother appeared in the doorway. She walked to the stove, lifted the lid from the kettle, and asked, “You’re not making waffles?”
“What’s wrong with porridge?” Marilee asked as she braced her arms against the counter and groaned inwardly. Here we go again!
“I didn’t say there was anything was wrong with porridge,” her mother-in-law replied stiffly.
“You know I can’t make waffles for 17 in this vacation cabin,” Marilee stated as calmly as possible. “Pancakes maybe; not waffles.” And, she thought to herself, if I’d made pancakes she’d have said porridge would be healthier! Pasting a deliberate smile on her face Marilee asked, “Would you like some juice before the rush begins?”
The older woman shook her head and headed for the wide porch that overlooked the lake, murmuring just loud enough to be heard, “Why do you always have to be so defensive? I just asked a simple question!”
Or had she?
Spoken language has at least two levels; the actual cognitive words used in the communication and the underlying message, the meaning that isn’t conveyed in words and the one that often mirrors our emotions and intent, albeit subconscious. Deborah Tannen refers to these two levels as the word message and the heart message. Based on our past history we usually react most strongly to the heart message.
Marilee did.
On the surface Jake’s mother had asked a simple question. However, had the woman been satisfied with the porridge she wouldn’t have mentioned waffles. It’s a big deal to Marilee because her perception is that she can never get it right, can never please the woman. Plus she’s pretty sure that her mother-in-law will use the incident to complain to her son about his testy wife. That will put Jake in the middle again. If he sides with Marilee then his mother gets upset; if he agrees with his mother then Marilee feels betrayed. It’s going to be a very long week she mused and, with a sigh, went to wake up the rest of the family.
No human being can go through life without some emotional pain. Unfortunately, families, the very structure intended to help family members deal with pain, often are the source of much of it! Family members share a long history and much of what they say to each other contains echoes from the past. This can be a two-edged sword. On the one hand, it allows for a type of verbal shorthand because of the common-knowledge-in-the-family factor. On the other, conversations rarely stand alone. They’re part of the overall web of communication within the family. They often trigger reactions that seem to occur even more frequently when interacting with family members. Of course the cumulative affect of negative interactions can undermine relationships.
For example, if we had difficulty turning out the light at night because our brains really get going about 8 o’clock in the evening, we may have been repeatedly subjected to the old adage early to bed and early to rise, or we may have been scolded about the need to get to sleep earlier. In adulthood if someone asks us what time we got to bed the night before our brains may connect that question to earlier pejoratives and we may respond defensively with What’s it to you? I know how much sleep I need!
Reactions can be further magnified when conversing with family members who assume they have a duty to be critical (helpful is the word they would use). After all, they care about us, don’t they? Or with those who try to boost their own level of self-worth by deliberately finding fault, often couching their criticism in questions or comments that sound innocent enough. Regardless of our actual words, however, our intent oozes through in the underlying message whether or not we are consciously aware of this. Depending on the intent (conscious or subconscious), the receiver usually reacts to the emotional (or heart) message while the sender, when questioned, usually sticks by the word message and ignores the emotional message. This mismatch can create a dysfunctional communication loop that often intensifies with time.
The only really effective way to get out of a dysfunctional communication loop is to address the emotional message. One of the parties must break the cycle! Marilee could respond to her mother-in-law’s questions with, “I feel like you’re unhappy with my choice of porridge.” If there was some intent to be critical, this response could gently put Jake’s mother on notice that Marilee was aware of the underlying message. If there was no intent to be critical, this could give Jake’s mother the opportunity to understand how those words had been perceived and she could respond with, “I know porridge is the best choice out here, but I’d like to put my order in for waffles next time we’re at your place. I love the way you make them.” Above all the goal is to have the word message and the emotional message match. That’s often a good place to begin.
Ask yourself, “What do I intend to convey? Covert criticism or caring affirmation?”
Speaking of waffles…
Successful living requires bravery. It requires that you take your brain and your heart and look them both in the face on a regular basis—no matter how difficult that may be.
The phone rang and the caller launched into a rehearsal of his “exhausting and unfulfilling” life. He specifically mentioned how he was finding “friends with benefits” less rewarding than he had hoped. Interestingly, half a dozen previous communications had been along the same line. About to board the plane, I asked the voice to send me a detailed email, promising to write a reply on the flight home.
Later, as I read the email, my brain considered nicknaming the author “Achilles,” because it seemed his heel—i.e., a poor sense of self-worth, a seeming low level of emotional intelligence, and a habit (if not an outright addiction) of settling for short-term rewards—was giving him difficulty. This is how his email read.
I’m not sure it’s even worth writing to you. I mean, every brain is different and you can’t know every brain…. Anyway, I see several “friends with benefits” on a semi-regular basis. Juggling them, you know. Initially, the variety kept things interesting, but even that doesn’t seem to last. To be honest, I am not in love with any of them. I’m pretty sure they’d move on if the next person offered a bigger perceived “prize.” I’d not want to marry any of them. (I’ve been married twice and have doubts about doing that again.) It costs money to wine and dine them, but it’s not like I’m handing cash to a prostitute. I mean we both get something out of this, right? Immediately after an encounter I feel better briefly because I scored and beat out the competition and was envied due to my arm candy. But, to be perfectly honest, at the end of the day the main connection was just sex to feel better. I’d like something deeper, a really good friend. I mean, an intelligent and witty conversationalist, someone to share laughter and ideas with, a sense that the individual cares about me and wants to spend time with me—ME—without “taking” all the time, without sex being on the table—figuratively speaking. And if push came to shove the person would have my back—at least emotionally. I feel helpless and trapped. Part of me says that something is better than nothing. Part of me says I’d like to get off this treadmill, but there’s no good way to extract myself and nothing I can do. This stinks. I’m angry. Might possibly be a little sad or depressed, as well. Any ideas?
My letter to Achilles began as such:
Thank you for laying it out so clearly. You are not alone in this dilemma. I’ve received similar comments and concerns recently. Ultimately you will decide if it was “worth writing” to me. Nevertheless, I am willing to give you my brain’s opinion—based on your own words. I suggest you consider them as another option by which to process your life and make choices that work for your brain.
First, you said, “Every brain is different, and you can’t know every brain.”
Correct! Every brain on the planet is different. There are some commonalities, however. For example, the brain naturally wants to feel good. Some even think that the brain is hard-wired for joy. Unfortunately, it often gets side-tracked with false (pseudo) joy. The kicker is whether the actions one takes to “feel better” result in positive outcomes and desirable consequences in the long term.
This is also correct. “Initially the variety kept things interesting, but even that doesn’t seem to last.”
When the brain perceives it is sexually attracted to another person and becomes involved as in “friends-with-benefits,” a powerful substance–both a neurotransmitter and a hormone–is released. Known as Phenylethylamine (or PEA for short), the neurotransmitter action impacts every neuron or thinking cell in your brain and body and the hormone action hits all the rest. Because PEA is so powerful, it is easy to become addicted. Think neurochemical tsunami. It can literally turn you into a pea brain—pun intended! Studies have shown that the intensity of this tsunami tends to fall off in about 18 months and isn’t likely rebooted with the same individual. Your brain may become accustomed, if not addicted, to the neurochemical tsunami and as it falls may move on to another new relationship to “keep things interesting” (as you put it)–in terms of intensity. This, of course, doesn’t bode particularly well if you choose down the line to develop a committed long-term relationship (such as marriage) with one person.
So why do you continue this pattern? In your words, “After an encounter I feel better briefly because I scored and beat out the competition and was envied due to my arm candy.”
Many juggle friends-with-benefits simply to feel better, to get an immediate chemical reward. Sex, as a physical activity, provides a short-term reward but may become messy, time and money consuming, addictive, and often unrewarding in the long term. This short term fix and the elation typically don’t, so you will need another before long. “But it’s just sex,” you may say. Yes, you’re right. That’s all it is. Just sex. And every time you have sex with another human being, cellular memory for that encounter is built and filed away on the protein strands in every cell with a nucleus in your body. This gradual collection of memories can create problems if and when you meet someone whom you really could love and who could love you in return. Remember that “arm candy” is for sale—and the higher the bidder, the better. Staggering, the number of prominent individuals around the world who have been tarnished–if not outright toppled–by arm candy.
You write, “It’s not like I’m handing cash to a prostitute.”
The definition of prostitution is pretty simple: the practice of engaging in sexual activity with another human being for some type of payment. The payment can be “wining and dining” or “scoring” or “beating out the competition” or showing off arm candy, or having an orgasm, just to name a few. Or it might be the illusion that you are valuable because someone wants to have sex with you–an illusion because someone willing to have sex with you does not make you valuable. Almost anyone can find another person to have sex with relatively quickly depending on what they’re willing to settle for.
Are you sure it really is “fair”? “We both get something out of this, so it’s fair.”
Obviously you both do get something out of it or neither of you would collude to continue the “friends-with-benefits” game. It take two who are willing to play, you know. Fair?That depends on your definition of fair. Each person is using the other for personal gratification and/or self-medication in ways that meet their own needs. It can be easy to get addicted to the Phenylethylamine, Norepinephrine, and Dopamine these types of hook-ups release, only to feel quite empty and unfulfilled afterwards. Those who settle for this do so for a reason and likely are not interested in the work a genuine in-love, committed relationship requires to be successful and grow deeply rewarding in the long-term.
Studies have shown that during ejaculation, the intensity of the male response is comparable to that induced by heroin. In other words, pretty intense, albeit for only a few seconds. Conversely, PET scans have shown that much of the female brain went “silent” at orgasm without any emotional feelings, suggesting a release of tension and inhibition, and a reduction in moral reasoning, vigilance, social judgment, reflection, and so on. Assuming she has one, that is. (Not a brain, an orgasm.) Fear and anxiety need to be avoided at all costs if a woman wishes to have an orgasm. And if sex is in the context of a friends-with-benefits situation, and she is at all anxious about where the relationship is going and if it is or is not to continue—or a host of other concerns—she may not achieve an orgasm. Many women pretend, however. (If in doubt, remember or watch the restaurant scene in the movie When Harry Met Sally.) Pretending may be used to make her partner feel successful in the encounter and continue the relationship–whether or not he really is a good performer. Just because someone has the equipment doesn’t mean he or she is skilled at knowing how to use it for more than personal self-gratification. Or because she likes being wined and dined, or fanaticizes her partner loves her; or to make herself feel valuable because he was willing to have sex with her, or…
You seem to realize that there are other options. “I’d like something deeper, a really good friend. I mean, an intelligent and witty conversationalist, someone to share laughter and ideas with, a sense that the individual cares about me and wants to spend time with me—ME—without ‘taking’ all the time, without sex being on the table—figuratively speaking. And if push came to shove the person would have my back—at least emotionally.
“Something deeper.” Really? The something deeper type of individual likely would not be described as “arm candy.” Where are you looking for this person? You may be looking in all the wrong places. Water seeks its own level; so do quality relationships. You might find a person such as you’ve describedwho is willing to settle for a friends-with-benefits association, but I have my doubts. That type of individual would likely think enough of themselves to never be part of that treadmill trade-off. If you must always be “doing” something (wining and dining, sex, buying gifts, etc.) you likely will not attract a person who cares about you just for who you are, rather for what you can give. Always paying for everything is one way of feeling momentarily good about yourself, but it also deprives the other person of the opportunity of giving. It is also a form of control. In the long term, isn’t that pretty selfish? Paying for everything may be appropriate when your children (if you have any) are minors, although that does nothing to teach them the value of money or even how to spend it wisely. It does teach them to regard you as their personal on-demand banker, and they will likely learn to be manipulative and use you for what they can get. That is an unfortunate role-model for when the time comes for them to partner and have a family. Remember, you teach people how to treat you.
My empathy kicked in when I read this: “I feel helpless and trapped.”
Your brain obviously has thought about your situation, and an emotion has arisen that your brain interprets into a feeling. Ultimately only you can decide how long you want to feel “helpless and trapped.” To change the feeling you must change the way you think. The words helpless and trapped indicate a sense of powerlessness and that, again, represents your thought patterns. Your own thoughts are keeping you powerless. And only you are able to change your thoughts from powerless to powerful—but it’s a choice.
My brain’s opinion is that you, along with most people, might want to take another look at: “Something is better than nothing.”
There is an old saying that in life you get not what you deserve but what you expect. The flavor of your communication suggests that you expect, believe, that this type of friends-with-benefits relationship is likely all you will get and so you better hang onto it. Is ‘something’ the right choice just because you are afraid of ‘nothing?’ From my perspective, sometimes ‘nothing’ at the moment is far better than ‘something.’ The quality people I know have a different mantra: “I’d rather be with myself than badly accompanied.” As long as you are alive, there is never “nothing.” There is always something. When you choose to close one door (or someone else closes it for you), there is always another open door—you just need to stop banging your head against the closed door and look for the one that is open.
This shows me that your brain is considering another option as in: “I’d like to get off this treadmill.”
Truth is, I know only one way to get off a treadmill safely: Shut off the power source and step off. Until you do that, nothing will change. You might begin by saying: “Achilles, you are off the treadmill.” If you tell your brain what you want to do as though it’s a done deal, it is more likely to get the mental picture that you are serious and put its considerable talents to work helping you achieve exiting the treadmill.
It is simple although it might not be easy, as you have stated: “There’s no good way to extract myself.”
Clearly, your brain knows that you can extract yourself from this situation, but it would prefer doing so without pain, discomfort, or anxiety. Nice thought, but highly unlikely. There are degrees of undesirable or desirable, however. You likely already understand this at some level because you used the adjective good–a word that implies that, while something else might be more desirable, it is better than other options. So, while an ideal, painless solution may not exist, you nevertheless can extract yourself. (Preventing the situation in the first place might have been more ideal. Just saying. Smile.)
In almost every situation, choices exist, which nullifies this thought: “There’s nothing I can do.”
You always have the choice to say: (1) There’s nothing I can do, or (2) There is something I can do. If you choose #2, there is a way to do it! (Remember that doing nothing is still a choice. If you choose that option, however, you will continue to get what you are currently getting—which apparently you do not like since you contacted me.) Problem solve—or give up. If you problem solve, only survey two options at a time because you only have two cerebral hemispheres. Decide which is even the slightest better than the other. Then, select that one. You may want to compare that one with a third option, and select the best one, and so on.
Sometimes your nose knows…. “This stinks.”
This is a subjective personal opinion that you and your brain have crafted. The situation will continue to “stink” in your brain’s opinion until you tell your brain something different. Try this: “Achilles, you are looking at this as an opportunity. You are working on yourself and becoming the type of person you would like to attract as a long-term friend. You are making progress. It smells good. Success smells wonderful.”
And then your emotions try to get your attention. “I’m angry. Might possibly be a little sad or depressed, as well.”
Your four core emotions are invaluable assistants. They are designed to get your attention, connect your subconscious with your conscious mind, and give you valuable information. Anger is the emotion designed to alert you that your boundaries are being invaded. Perhaps, in your case, because your brain perceives that it is always giving and not getting much back in return. However, you are colluding in this equation. When you stop wining and dining for sex, your brain will develop a different perception. Many men exhibit sadness as anger because society rewards males for anger—but rarely for sadness. It’s encouraging to note that you are at least considering the possibility that you are sad—the emotion that signals you are or have experienced a loss. What might that loss be? The absence of the relationship you most desire? Or the sense that a short term reward isn’t satisfying in the long term? Remember that prolonged sadness can lead to depression, something I encourage you to identify, address, and seek help for before it becomes chronic and debilitating.
Here are seven things to consider:
Note: I am not suggesting you will never engage in sexual activity again. (smile) I am saying that when you add it to an acquaintance, especially when you are keeping a stable of available friends-with-benefits, the potential cognitive and relational depth of genuine friendship tends to become sidelined in exchange for the “heroin.” The growth of comradery, emotional depth, genuine affection, and caring tend to derail in exchange for the brief burst of intensity. Basically, it’s the difference between the comfortable warmth of a slow burn over time versus the sudden firecracker—especially as you are getting acquainted and deciding if this is the type of relationship you want and if it appears worth working on long-term.
If you already know someone you’d like to develop a quality friendship with, call him/her up and share openly that you’re cleaning up your sexual life (e.g., no longer pimping yourself out sexually for a short-term reward) and would like to explore how to develop a genuine friendship without sex as part of the package at this point in time. (Some have found this to be quite a quick and relatively reliable way to determine whether or not the person really cares about you or primarily what you can “give or do for them.”
Then ask, “Would you be interested?” If yes, go for it. If no, keep your eyes searching for the open door and walk through it. The universe may completely surprise you by dropped into your path someone who is quite wonderful. Celebrate this even if the person is very different from those you selected in the past. Especially if the individual is very different! Celebrate that! Be open for considering someone who cares about you as a person, for who you are, and enjoys being with you without sex being part of the barter. It might turn into something you want permanently in your life as a committed best friend if not a committed life-partner. That would require you to offer genuine friendship, as well, which means commitment, ongoing communication, and reciprocity. That type of person would likely want to “go Dutch” when doing things together, at least some of the time, rather than have you always pay for everything. Or even pay for you once in a while. Is your level of emotional intelligence high enough to risk that? Is your sense of self-esteem balanced enough to avoid grasping at the illusion of “control” by always giving and not graciously accepting?
There you have it, Achilles. Your mission at this time in life—should you choose to accept it. A healthier philosophy might be (quoting Seneca), “Friendship always benefits!” I believe you and your brain—when “push comes to shove”—can do this together. I wish you well!
If I’d heard it once, I’d heard it 100 times. Same record. Same song. Sure the jacket covers, labels, and package shapes were different, but basically it was the same old refrain: “I’m not in love with my partner any more.”
By way of introduction, the pair had blurted out, “We’ve decided to split up, and we want to figure out why we didn’t stay in love so we don’t make the same mistakes with our next partners.”
Initially I just stared at them with a deer-in-the-headlights look as they continued, “So we’re here to take the thinking styles assessment!” There had been several times in the past when I’d administered the assessment only to hear comments such as: “This information might have prevented our divorce!” Or, “If only I’d known this I think we’d still be together!” Or, “I wish I’d understood this sooner…”
But this was the first time partners were sitting in front of me, obviously planning to separate and just as obviously asking for help with new partners—neither of whom they had even met as yet!
“What is your main frustration?” I asked, wiping the astonishment from my face.
They looked at each other and shrugged. Finally one partner said, “There’s no spark anymore.”
“Yeah,” added the other. “That excited feeling in the pit of my stomach has disappeared.”
I wanted to say: “What a relief! Personally, I’ve never really liked the sensation of being on the verge of up-chucking!” But I restrained myself.
Instead I said, “That could give you the opportunity to really get down to the business of choosing to love each other without the interference of a chemical tsunami.” This time they had the deer-in-the-headlights look.
“Do you love each other?” I threw the question into the stunned silence. They nodded. No chuckles now.
“Do you have any other major concerns, other than not having perpetually queasy stomachs?” I asked.
Another pause. “Miscommunication of some sort,” they replied in unison, and then burst out laughing as if they were indeed best friends.
“In that case,” I replied, “that makes three things you both agree on:
Their duet of “That’s it in a nutshell” triggered another peal of laughter.
When I asked for their definition of love, one partner said it was a feeling. The other described it as an emotion.
“My brain’s opinion is that love is neither,” I said. “Love is not something you get and then have for the rest of your life. It is an experience that you create on an on-going basis. An experience that grows out of the actions you choose to exhibit. In that sense, love is a verb. Emotions and feelings follow the actions you chose to take.”
That prompted some lively discussion. As our time drew to a close I gave them two assignments: complete the thinking styles assessment (BTSA), and write down three specific actions each had enjoyed receiving from the other during courtship. “When,” I added, “you were ‘in love’ and presumably were experiencing some queasiness in the pit of your stomachs.” They chuckled, albeit a bit uncertainly. I wanted to remind them that there was no guarantee that new partners would be a better match, and that all things being equal there could be some benefit in honing what they had. I decided to put those comments on hold for the time being.
A week later, their assessment data scored and interpreted, I had a fairly clear idea of what might be contributing factors. Human beings communicate through the sensory systems. By adulthood, the brain has typically organized into a sensory preference. That is, overall it tends to register one type of sensory stimuli more quickly than other types.
The following table shows the raw data from their Sensory Preference Assessment, with a score of 21 being possible in each category.
| Sensory System | Partner X | Partner Y |
| • Auditory | 5 | 17 |
| • Visual | 19 | 5 |
| • Kinesthetic | 11 | 10 |
Their scores indicated that visual sensory stimuli registered most quickly for Partner X’s brain, while auditory stimuli registered most quickly in Partner Y’s brain.
During the courtship period and for some time afterwards, partners often exhibit what I refer to as whole-brain nurturing. They use all three sensory systems to help them achieve their goal of partnering. They pay attention to how they look and compliment each other, they speak words of affection and affirmation, and they touch each other with gentleness and flirtatious intimacy. Unless partners consciously take steps to keep variety and excitement in the relationship, the chemical tsunami that results from the sexual attraction that is part of many courtship interactions rarely lasts more than 18-24 months. The queasiness in the pit of their stomach might not continue, but the nurturing could promote a sense of “being in love.”
Eventually (sometimes as soon as the ink has dried on the marriage license or partner certificate) whole-brain nurturing drops off, and partners begin to relate to each other primarily in their own sensory preference. When preferences match, each brain quickly registers a sense of being loved, affirmed, and cared for. When sensory preferences differ, one individual may believe he/she is affirming the other but the sensory stimuli provided may not be registering very high on the sensory Richter scale in the partner’s brain.
At our next appointment, their lists of “three enjoyed actions” confirmed their individual sensory preferences:
| Partner X enjoyed | Partner Y enjoyed |
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Partner X enjoyed things that could be “seen” with the eyes while Partner Y preferred activities related to “sound.” When I asked them how many times during the past week each had given those three (or similar) gifts to the other, there was a moment of uncomfortable silence followed by some rather sheepish body language.
“So you love each other but have not made a point of doing something for your partner every day that is matched to their sensory preference. Is they correct?” They nodded. “You’re right,” I continued. “Miscommunication does appear to be an issue, and it involves sensory mismatching.”
The questions tumbled out. Was their situation unique? Could anything be done about the mismatch? Should they just settle for being best friends and forget the excitement? And so on.
I explained that estimates place approximately 60% of adults as having a visual sensory preference, with auditory and kinesthetic preferences each coming in at about 20%. This means that many partners will have differing sensory preferences. That isn’t necessarily good or bad, but it is what it is. The issue isn’t to try to alter one’s sensory preference, rather simply to do something every day that provides sensory nurturing to one’s partner in their particular sensory preference. That helps their brain to feel loved, cherished, and even excited about spending time with the other individual.
“It might be helpful to think of sensory nurturing as the edging on a blanket that you both share,” I suggested. The moment edging begins to fray it needs to be repaired, or it can all unravel, and the blanket can be ruined. Nurturing each other every day in your partner’s sensory preference, especially when that preference differs from yours, can prevent the blanket edging from unraveling. It’s like buying “blanket insurance.”
That was as far as I got because they began to talk, gesture, and smile excitedly. And they were still going strong when they walked out the door. Watching them getting a handle on what they could do to manage their sensory mismatching, I wished every couple would “get it” as quickly as these two had. Who knew? Maybe they would even choose to stay together!
Human beings tend to return to environments that are perceived as nurturing, validating, accepting, and comfortable—that acknowledge their sensory preference.
—Arlene R. Taylor, PhD
Sensory Preference refers to the type of brain an individual possesses in relation to sensory stimuli (visual, auditory, kinesthetic), including the type of sensory data that registers most quickly. Sensory preference impacts the way you take in sensory data, your comfort level in any given situation, the way you learn new information most easily, and the way in which you interact with others and with the environment. You tend to feel affirmed and understood when you receive sensory data in your preferred system.
Think of the sensory systems as portions of the brain where sensory stimuli are decoded. Some models portray the sensory systems in combination with other types of brain functions. I perceive them as separate overlays. Early in life human beings tend to use the three sensory systems almost equally. By the age of 5 or 6 the brain begins to identify with one sensory system over the other two, although what triggers the selection isn’t well understood. Unimpaired human beings can input and decode the entire range of sensory stimuli. Generally however, one type of sensory stimuli will register most quickly in your brain.
Decoding centers for most sensory stimuli are housed in the six lobes of the cerebrum, three in each cerebral hemisphere. They can receive and decode up to 10 million bits of data per second—far more than human beings are capable of processing at a level of conscious awareness. The six cerebral lobes are:
|  Cerebral Sensory Decoding Centers |
Estimates are that sensory preference probably occurs in the general adult population as follows:
| Auditory Preference – 20% | Visual Preference – 60% | Kinesthetic Preference – 20% |
| More females than males when tallied by gender Who is best at taking data in through sound? | More males than females when tallied by gender Who is best at taking data in through sight? | Equal females and males when tallied by gender Who is best at taking data in via taste, touch, smell, and body position? |
Identifying your own primary sensory preference can enable you to:
The highest score on The Sensory Preference Assessment [Adobe Acrobat PDF – 22.53 KB] usually represents your overall sensory preference, unless you have adapted away from it for some reason.
Remember that you may use all of your senses most (if not all) of the time. Preference refers to the type of sensory stimuli that usually gets your attention most quickly and that may require the least energy expenditure.
If two scores are tied, one of the scores likely represents your preference and the other represents a sensory system that you’ve had to develop in order to relate to someone significant in your life. If one of the tied scores is kinesthesia, consider the possibility that your innate preference is kinesthetic and that, for some reason, you have pulled back from it. If all scores are equal, you may have pulled in your own preference due to trauma or crisis, and developed skills in the other sensory systems in order to relate to, or please, people who are important in your life.
Use your scores as a starting point for evaluating your sensory history. Try to uncover and identify factors that may have influenced you to repress your sensory preference. Recall examples of specific situations and behaviors and make an educated guess.
Here are sample questions to get you started:
If you were shamed, bruised, or ignored because of your sensory preference, or if you observed others being shamed, bruised, or ignored for their preference, the experience may have influenced your use of that specific sensory system. For example:
| Did you have a visual preference, but were you: |
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| Did you have an auditory preference, but were you: |
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| Did you have a kinesthetic preference, but were you: |
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If any of these or similar situations were true in your life, you may have repressed your own innate sensory preference in favor of developing skills in another sensory system that were more acceptable in your environment or more rewarded by people who were important to you. If you discover this is the case, you can take steps to reown your sensory preference.
Everyone has skin-hunger needs. Studies of infants in orphanages showed that without sufficient touch, the babies died. When elderly volunteers were recruited to hold infants on the average of 15 minutes per day, the babies stopped dying. All children need nonsexual touch affirmation. So do all adults.
In a “no-touch” society where there are cultural prohibitions against touching, many individuals experience difficulty getting their skin-hunger needs met adequately, especially males. Consequently, many are touch-deprived. This can be an even larger problem for those with a kinesthetic preference.
Some are fortunate to have a partner and/or friends with whom they can exchange touch. Others have pets that can be handled, stroked, and cuddled. Still others attempt to meet their skin-hunger needs through sexual activity. This can result in the individual putting a great deal of pressure on a partner for “sex” in an attempt to get skin-hunger needs met. Sexual activity is primarily about self-gratification and doesn’t fulfill the need for nonsexual, physical touch. Children who do not get their touch needs met appropriately may fail to thrive, or to learn, may be more vulnerable to touch (e.g., sexual abuse, physical abuse), or may be at higher risk for unwed pregnancies.
It can be critically important to take positive steps toward obtaining non-sexual physical-touch affirmation, especially if kinesthetic is your first or second preference. Teach your friends to touch you non-sexually, spend time with a pet that likes to be touched (e.g., curls up in your lap and soaks in petting). If you live or work with children, find ways to affirm them kinesthetically through appropriate non-sexual touch.
If you want a kinesthetic to pay attention to what you are saying, try placing your hand gently on his/her arm or shoulder (if you have a relationship that permits this). The touch registers kinesthetically in the brain and allows the individual to focus more easily on receiving the information through the auditory or visual sensory system.
NOTE: Individuals with a kinesthetic preference can sometimes pay attention to auditory or visual stimuli (e.g., seminar setting) much more easily if they can hold something kinesthetically pleasing in their hand (e.g., a soft object or toy, squeezie, stress-reducer ball). This is particularly true of the male brain and often true for some female brains (e.g., kinesthetic, extroverted). That’s one reason I encourage participants to bring handwork to seminars I present if they know they listen better when doing something with their hands.
A desirable goal is to identify your own preference and figure out how you take in data most efficiently, and then build sufficient skills to access any and all of the sensory systems by choice, depending on what is required or would be most effective for the situation at hand. Knowing your own sensory preference, recognizing that of others, and matching your communication style to theirs whenever possible can enhance all your relationships and improve your career success. Here are some tips to help you increase your sensory system skills:
| Identify your own sensory preference and then be alert to situations that could be improved through sensory system recognition and application. |
| Make a choice to exhibit whole-brain-nurturing behaviors, to use all three systems when communicating with others whenever possible. |
| Develop skills in each of the three sensory systems and become comfortable with each system. |
| Be innovative and creative in using the sensory systems. Try something new! Brainstorm alternative ways to offer nurturing to others. |
| Communicate with others in their sensory preference. Specifically offer nurturing in the other person’s sensory preference when you know what that is. When in doubt, use all three! |
| Recognize and graciously accept nurturing from others even when it doesn’t come to you in your preferred style, realizing that the other person is likely trying to communicate with you through his/her sensory preference. Otherwise you may miss a great deal of affirmation because it came to you in a nonpreferred sensory system. |
Differences in sensory preference impact relationships and underlie many communication problems, situational misunderstandings, and feelings of discomfort. Understanding this can alert you to ways in which you can prevent some of these from occurring in the first place and can offer strategies for resolution when problems already exist. Unless you make a conscious choice to do differently, you tend to communicate with others in your preferred sensory system. When your sensory preference matches theirs or the specific environment you tend to feel accepted, validated, smart, comfortable, and affirmed. When your sensory preference does not match, the opposite can occur. Communication that acknowledges sensory preference is a learned skill.
Sensory preference impacts every facet of life. For example, when a child isn’t getting along well with others in the classroom, check to see if his/her sensory preference is in the minority or is different from that of the teacher’s. Sensory preference does influence the way in which a person learns most easily.
When couples experience discord, compare their sensory preferences. If they differ, likely neither feels nurtured and affirmed. For example, a visual brings an auditory partner flowers when the brain might respond much more quickly to a musical concert or conversation. Do something every day for your partner in his/her sensory preference and watch your relationship improve.
When customers aren’t responding, the salesperson’s sensory preference may be different from that of the customers or perhaps the business waiting room contains stimuli for only one or two of the main sensory types. Use all three systems during any interaction when you aren’t certain of the other person’s preference.
When attendees don’t feel comfortable in a church setting, there may be little in the environment or in the service that matches their sensory preference. For example, are they kinesthetic and the room is too hot or too cold or the chairs/pews too hard? Are they auditory and the public address system is too loud, too soft, or making unpleasant sounds? Are they visual and the environment is devoid of pleasing colors or architectural design?
Differences in sensory preference underlie many communication problems, situational misunderstandings, and feelings of discomfort. Understanding this can alert you to ways in which you can prevent some of these from occurring in the first place and can offer strategies for resolving those that do occur.
I am asked frequently about the difference between a person having a visual sensory preference and being able to mentally picture something in their mind’s eye. Having a visual sensory preference means that visual stimuli typically register more quickly in your brain than either auditory or kinesthetic sensory stimuli, although there might be specific situations when you are more aware of auditory (symphony program) or kinesthetic (eating Thanksgiving dinner) stimuli.
Estimates are that 95% of the general population are able to create internal mental pictures in their mind’s eye. This is different from possessing a visual sensory preference. Likewise most people can train themselves to be more observant regardless of sensory preference, although it may be more energy intensive for a nonvisual. Having said that, based on your brain lead you may be more or less aware of “details.” If you have an Envisioning brain bent (e.g., pays attention when things are different or changing) you may enter a room and sense that something is different, although if you don’t have a visual sensory preference you may need to have the details pointed out to you.
If you have a visual sensory preference and have been taught that there is one right way for things to “look” in order to meet societal or family expectations, you may want your person or your environment to look a specific way. This means that if you have a frontal right brain lead you might be much more concerned that your “stacks” are lined up in a visually pleasing way, as compared to what might be important to you if you have a different brain lead.
If you have both a visual sensory preference and am Envisioning brain bent, you may be quite concerned about appearances, especially if you grew up absorbing expectations about the importance of how things look. This is not good or bad. It just is. Different individuals often have very different perceptions and expectations.
One evening, a family decided to go out for dinner at their favorite restaurant. They were shown to a table that overlooked the bay and within minutes the waitress arrived to take their order. She began with the father and asked each member in turn what he or she wanted to eat. Turning to the youngest member of the family the waitress asked, “And what would you like to eat, young lady?”
“A burger and fries,” the little girl answered politely.
“Bring her lasagna,” said the mother. The waitress wrote on her order form.
“And what would you like to drink?” the waitress continued.
“7-Up, please,” the child replied.
“Bring her lasagna and milk,” the mother said firmly. The waitress looked from the mother to the little girl, back to the mother, and wrote on her order form. When the food arrived (to the delight of the little girl and the consternation of her mother), the waitress placed a burger, fries, and 7-Up in front of the littlest member of the family. Her eyes glowing with excitement the child fairly shouted, “Mommy, Mommy! That lady thinks I’m real!”
People like to feel real. Human beings seem to have an unfortunate tendency to exhibit the same behaviors over and over again, even when those behaviors aren’t producing the desired outcomes. Understanding the concept of sensory preference and knowing your own gives you the option of tweaking your communication behaviors in a more positive direction, by design.
The Sensory Preference Assessment [Adobe Acrobat PDF – 22.53 KB]
Preferencia de Evaluación Sensorial [Adobe Acrobat PDF – 32.36 KB]
I flicked open my cell phone to the sound of a now familiar voice. It was Suzette, her third call in as many months, with more questions about “love and the teenage brain.”
During our initial conversation Suzette had told me about her first serious relationship. “We’re absolutely on the same wave-length,” she had enthused. “It is such a high!” Her satisfied sighs were audible.
“You’re right,” I had agreed. “Falling in love can produce an amazing high. Mental, physical, and emotional reactions, the result of chemical changes in the brain, create a virtual chemical tsunami!”
“Wow!” was her response.
“A sense of being in love is believed to function on its own frequency, if you will,” I told Suzette. “Typically it can only be perceived by another brain with a corresponding frequency, which helps to account for your perception of being on the same wave length.” This also means that there may be times in life when one individual is inexplicably drawn, at least momentarily, to another person, perhaps based on some similarity of brain waves. Whether or not it would be advisable to take action on that momentary attraction is something entirely different. That is where a mature brain, the activation of executive functions such as conscience, willpower, and morality, plus obtaining feedback from other brains that are not experiencing the same brain-wave attraction can be invaluable.
When Suzette called the second time, her questions had revolved around emotions and whether they could co-exist with love. “Sometimes I’m so angry at my love about something or other,” she said. “Am I still in love when I’m angry?”
I wanted to tell her that at age 17 I’m not sure your brain is developed enough to know! Instead I responded, “Since there’s no way to know what goes on inside your head except what you are willing to share, I don’t have an answer to that question. I can tell you, however, that studies have shown that the emotion of anger and a sense of love operate through independent systems in the brain, although they are closely related.” That means that a person can be angry and still feel “in love,” or be very much in love and become angry at specific behaviors or in specific situations.
In addition, the brain matures much more slowly than the physical body. Myelination, the process of coating nerve pathways with an insulating sheath, can be compared to electrical contractors using insulated electric wires. The insulation helps to promote safety and prevent the wires from shorting out. Myelination of the corpus callosum—the largest band of nerve fibers in the brain and the bridge that connects the left and right hemispheres—typically is completed about age 20-21, although the process may take 1.6 years longer in the male brain. Until myelination is completed, the brain is at risk for episodes of “shorting out” (a metaphorical term for immature or undesirable behaviors).
Development of the pre-frontal lobes that provide executive functions (e.g., decision making, reflective analysis, goal setting/achievement, ethics, management of emotions) is completed somewhere between the ages of 25 and 27. “Decisions you make prior to the development of the pre-frontal lobes might not work well for you in the long term,” I said. “For example, the person you think you want to wake up next to for the rest of your life may be very different at age 28 compared to what you thought you wanted at age 19.” There was no sound from her end, and I wondered if Suzette had hung up. She hadn’t, but that information had given her pause!
We chatted for a few moments and then Suzette asked, “Does the euphoria I feel mean I’m really in love? And if so long can I expect it to last?” I wanted to ask whether she meant the relationship or the feelings, but I restrained myself.
“That depends on how you are defining love,” I responded. Unfortunately our culture applies the term “love” to a variety of conditions, including eros, mania, ludus, agape, and pregma, to name a few. According to Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love, and The First Sex, these labels refer to different blends of the three basic mating circuits: lust, romantic love, and attachment. No wonder human beings become confused about love! In general, women have been conditioned to engage in sexual activity when they are actually looking for attachment, while men have learned to speak of love when they are actually looking for sexual activity.
Suzette could be experiencing lust, infatuation (often called romantic love), or the beginning of something long-lasting and possibly profound. If it’s the latter, the chemical tsunami will gradually diminish, to be replaced by a conscious choice to hone the attachment—perhaps for a lifetime. (Lust can be very short lived and may not be followed by either the obsession of romantic love or attachment.) Individuals who do not understand this tend to wander from relationship to relationship. As soon as the euphoric high begins to diminish they assume they are no longer in love and move on to a new relationship that they hope will trigger the desired cascade of brain chemicals.
“A sense of euphoria is thought to result from the impact of brain chemicals, especially dopamine and phenylethylamine, on the reward pathways leading from the limbic system to the cerebral cortex,” I explained. You always give up something to get something, however. Temporary increases in dopamine, norepinephine, and phenylethylamine cause serotonin levels to fall. If the love affair fails, these changes in neurochemistry can set the brain up for depression.
Oxytocin, typically released during sexual arousal, can trigger feelings of intimacy but also can temporarily disrupt memory. This can result in a sensation of being detached from reality. Under the influence of oxytocin, lovers can become obsessive, suffer delusions, and assume an overly optimistic view of what the future holds—regardless of the facts.
The brain was not designed to sustain a state of euphoria indefinitely. When related to infatuation / romantic love, euphoria typically lasts somewhere between 12-18 months. Couples who choose attachment as their preferred level of bonding can create ways to add variety and excitement to their relationship. In such cases, they can often retain some sense of euphoria for longer periods of time (e.g., 2-3 years), or experience it episodically during the entire relationship. There are always exceptions. Barriers to a specific relationship can make it seem even more desirable. In such cases the adversity may extend the couple’s ardor for months or even years.
Of course this is just the tip of the iceberg. Indeed a plethora of individual and environmental factors impact one’s personal experience. For example, people who grow up believing that they are loved because of what they do (not because of who they are) tend to believe that their survival depends on doing the right thing—at all times—and that if they make one wrong move they become personally responsible for all negative outcomes. Sometimes they believe they could even die, a perception that can set them up for a lifetime of obsession with perfectionism. It’s no surprise that this would impact the way they approach relationships. It is impossible to love and care about others in a healthy and functional manner if you do not first practice love and care for yourself.
Studies of brain function indicate that love (by whatever definition) begins in the brain. It involves a variety of brain chemicals, the alteration of which can produce a myriad of feelings and sensations that can be rewarding and frightening, awe-inspiring and overwhelming—and wonderful! Fortunately, the brain is also the seat of decision-making, where you identify the type of love you are experiencing and decide on the actions you choose to take.
This cascade of chemicals is no respecter of persons. It doesn’t matter whether you are young, old, or middle-aged; male, female, or androgynous; gay, straight, or in between; Darwinian, creationist, or a mix of both. If you have a functioning brain, you are at potential risk. And it’s not relegated to human beings only. The old birds-and-bees analogy may have been relatively close to the mark. Researchers believe that many animals and birds experience some form of romantic passion, which can last from seconds to weeks or longer.
It was time for Suzette’s next class. She planned to use this topic for one of her English literature assignments. “Maybe the old axiom, it’s all in your head, is right after all,” she mused.
That would be a yes! It is all in your head, at least in relation to the love tsunami!
“Mom, we’re thirsty.” Here we go again, Louise thought to herself.
Aloud she said, “In the fridge, top shelf.” I know the next line in this comedy routine, she mused somewhat sarcastically. Sure enough.
“Where on the top shelf?” It was Tad, the 15-year-old, his voice cracking erratically.
“In the green pitcher.” Pause.
“I’m in a hurry, Mom, can you help me find it?”
Louise sighed as she walked into the kitchen. Tad, easily a foot taller already, was holding the fridge door open with one hand and shading his eyes with the other as he peered into its depths. His brow was furrowed with concentration. Or was it frustration?
Louise reached into the fridge, picked up the green container of pink lemonade, and handed it to Tad.
“Thanks, Mom,” the teenager mumbled. He shrugged his shoulders. Louise raised an eyebrow. Their eyes met and they both laughed, his with a relieved sound, she in a bemused manner. This same routine had played itself out in their home countless times in the past.
Returning to the study, Louise congratulated herself on her restraint in this instance, at least as compared to some of her past responses. I made it so the least you can do is find it! Oh for heaven’s sake, open your eyes—it’s right in front of you! I’m busy, are you trying to irritate me on purpose? You get the idea.
Her cheeks flushed with the recollection. Her comments had certainly been less than affirming! Must just be something about men, she concluded shaking her head ruefully. At first she had thought the boys would grow out of it—depending on her to locate objects for them—until she realized that her husband frequently asked her to do the same thing for him.
Louise told me her story at one of my brain seminars. “It’s so frustrating!” she exclaimed. “The guys can’t seem to find anything in the fridge, drawers, or cupboard!” The expression on her face was a mix of irritation, frustration, and resignation. “At least I don’t yell at them anymore…” She paused in her recital.
I nodded my head in sympathy. “Been there, done that,” I commiserated, wincing at my own memories. “I’ve certainly done my share of sighing, eye-rolling, and throwing around pejoratives.
“Maybe they’re just lazy,” Louise added as an afterthought.
“Lazy—perhaps,” I responded, “but fascinating brain-function research about male-female differences has helped me to make sense of these types of situations. We’ll talk about it after the break.”
Barbara and Allan Pease (authors of books such as Why Men Don’t Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes, and Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps) have provided some interesting insights. Studies have shown that males tend to possess a form of tunnel vision. This provides them with a narrower visual field that enables them to see over greater distances, almost like using binoculars, but may result in more difficulty finding things in refrigerators, cupboards, and drawers. Females, on the other hand, tend to have a wider, sharper, peripheral (up to nearly 180 degrees) vision.
This means that male vision may be better suited to focusing on things some distance away, like highway signs, empty parking spots, and location numbers on buildings. Female vision may be better suited to distances involved with locating objects in cupboards, drawers, and freezers or refrigerators. Some researchers have harked back to the old hunter-gatherer concept, suggesting that visual differences between males and females may have reinforced some of the early divisions of labor. For example, the males were out searching for quarry in field, forest, and stream, while the females were collecting firewood for kindling, and berries and plant greens to supplement meat, fish, and fowl.
Based on innate brain differences, human beings will find some activities more energy intensive and will tend to make more errors when performing them. Conversely, other activities can be performed much more easily and energy-efficiently. And make no mistake, these differences do impact real life, especially when Tad is trying to locate lemonade and when his mother is trying to identify road signs.
Openly acknowledge and discuss these visual differences. Learn more about them. Pay attention to how they play out in your own life and in the lives of others. Research study findings typically apply to at least two thirds of the population (i.e., the first two standard deviations on either side of the mean under the Bell Curve of Distribution). Identify ways in which you resemble or differ from that norm. Information is power. Understanding doesn’t remove the differences, but it can certainly help to reduce frustration and serve as a stimulus to curb one’s tongue or moderate one’s nonverbal body language.
Insofar as possible, set up the environment in a way that works for both styles of vision, at least part of the time. This may mean allotting a refrigerator shelf or a specific cupboard shelf for the males in the household. Then leave everything on that shelf alone! Many males have carefully placed an object in the refrigerator so they’ll be able to locate it easily at a later time, only to pull out a bottle of ketchup instead of a can of 7-Up—because some well-meaning and unenlightened individual has rearranged things!
Try using plastic connectors when washing socks so the pair stays together and use drawer dividers to separate black from brown from navy. Reduce clutter in cupboards, medicine cabinets, and drawers so objects can more easily be identified. As author Lanna Nakone (Organizing for Your Brain Type) says, our culture simply has too much stuff! Many people tend to hoard things that would be far better recycled, given away, or discarded altogether.
For females, it may mean a conscious choice to avoid tailgating when driving a vehicle. This can be an important safety issue, but it can also allow a bit more time for recognizing highway signs and being able to negotiate the freeway exit successfully.
Instead of lambasting each other for gender dissimilarities, learn to laugh about them. Often it isn’t the differentia itself that triggers the irritation. Rather it’s an expectation, usually subconscious, that another human brain should function like yours. After all, males and females are members of the same species, aren’t they? With that type of mindset, when diverse characteristics do surface, so do frustration and contention. Try collaborating instead, offering your innate skills for the common good and using your own uniqueness to help make things easier for each other. Above all, maximize the time you spend on this planet by enjoying the differences among people as you relate with them on the journey of life.
