Q. Our 23-year-old middle son just "came out." His father is absolutely livid and says it's all my fault because "you had the fetus last." He now wants nothing to do with our son and is actually considering filing for divorce.

A. I am unaware of clear scientific evidence that would point to the person “who last had the fetus” as being totally responsible for its brain function. Blaming is really an attempt on the part of an individual to reduce the fear, emotional pain, or confusion the person is feeling. Avoid picking up the blame.

You will have some choices to make. For example: are you going to maintain a relationship with your son? If yes, you may need to do so in a way that doesn't “rub your husband's nose in the issue,” especially if he is not open to maintaining a relationship with his offspring himself. Find a way to be wise as a serpent and harmless as a dove.

If your husband does file for divorce (and you may have no say in whether or not he does), how are you going to respond? As one woman said in a similar situation, “I have decided that I’d rather live by myself than be badly accompanied.”

The Serenity Prayer may be helpful. One version reads: Give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.It’s the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other that is sometimes a bit tricky.

 

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