Q: I take parenting very seriously. I figure that when my children leave home they will likely get rather lax in some areas so I need to be very strict while they live in our home. We do not have TV, they do not need cell phones, and we carefully monitor where they go and who they visit. I am confident this will result in their being excellent and well-rounded adults. I have told them I’m pretty stressed with this pandemic and it’s their job to help me feel better. Mind you, I am not asking for any advice, I’m just telling you what we do.

A: I was not put on this planet to give advice. Nor do I make suggestions unless asked to do so. I will make an observation or two based on research. There is a huge difference between a wise teacher and overbearing and overcontrolling parents, who tend to cause self-esteem issues in their children. Bottom line: If your goal is to lower the level of self-esteem in your children (albeit unwittingly) and set them up for relationship problems for the rest of their lives, continue on the path you have chosen.

Research of teenagers (age 13 and up) who perceive they received this type of parental control, predicted lower levels of psychosocial maturity and peer acceptance in mid-adolescence. It also was linked with potential undermining of autonomy so as to lead to less favorable outcomes well into adulthood. Typical parental behaviors that undermine a child’s sense of self-worth, include:

  • Making the child feel bad for upsetting the parents, and/or perceived withdrawing of love when the parent is angry
  • Unreasonable rules, harsh punishments, and a lack of empathy and caring behaviors.
  • Discouraging teenagers from asserting themselves and becoming independent.

Parents need to be aware of how parental attempts to control teens may actually stunt their progress and create damage that may last a lifetime. Perceived traumatic events in childhood are very stressful for a child/teenager and can actually change the biology of the brain. The human brain is a relational brain. Prior to the pandemic I am guessing the kids were at school interacting with their friends. Social media can have a downside for sure if it is over used for long periods of time and if the user starts thinking everyone else has more than he or she does. Chatting with friends at home by cell phone, however, can help the relational brain to feel less alone. There are many entities that are working diligently to release products that children can watch while at home. One of my favorite is the BBC Planet Earth series. The photography is unbelievable! By all means block internet access for some things. However, there are many excellent presentations.

It can be extremely challenging to suddenly have one’s world turned upside down and shaken vigorously. It certainly upended all my travel and speaking appointments for 18 months. There is always a silver living, however, although sometimes one has to search for it. With time to prepare for filming, I just uploaded four sets of videos on my Brain Talk channel. (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCrGmPCpXP0pInonoGnUY3Cg). They are available free of charge. Your kids might actually enjoy watching the Birds & Brains series. Whatever you choose, I encourage you to make this pandemic time as fun and pleasant as possible. Do you want them to remember being at home with nostalgia and with happy “remember when” conversations or as one of the dreariest and deadliest periods of time in their young lives. Put yourself in their place: how happy and content would you be or is this the type of atmosphere in which you grew up and therefore figure if you survived, so could they? Humans tend to do to others as they have been done to—unless they make a different choice. You can make a different choice if you want to. Your choice will impact your family of the rest of your life—theirs, too.