Yes, he likely hears little if anything when you try to make him be still and look at you. Especially with boys, it is often so much more effective to just sit down together, side by side, and chat while he is “doing” something. It can be as simple as playing with a Lego toy or running a little model car up and down his thighs or the arm of the sofa or however a teenager want to “fiddle.” Good for you! Saying you are sorry can make a huge difference in relationships, especially with children. I am so willing to apologize for behaviors I exhibited when I lacked information that could have changed them. You can only do better when you know better. Much of this information is becoming available because of brain scanning equipment and a plethora of studies, the conclusions of which are now being released. Stay tuned. We’ll learn more!

No two brains on this planet are believed to be identical in structure, function, or perception. Not only do you start life with a brain that is slightly different from all other brains, every thought you think, every behavior you exhibit, every new bit of information you learn, everything you ingest, and so on, can alter the very structure of your brain. Because you never consistently think the same thoughts, exhibit the same behavior, learn the identical information in the same way, hears information in personal style, and so on, your brain actually become more different from others as you age.

There are different types  of “why” questions. Some are are designed to elicit information that you have learned from others and are expected to regurgitate. Others are designed to elicit reasons for behaviors that you did or did not exhibit. Every brain is unique and only has its own opinion. Therefore, there may be as many different answers to the same “why” question as there are brain’s involved. Because of this, I avoid asking “why” questions. Period. Instead, I use different words to elicit information.

PET Scans have shown that “why” questions may trigger anxiety, especially if the implication is that you should have or should not have done a specific something and then are expected to justify your behavior—with an answer that the questioner will accept. The resulting anxiety can actually direct the brain’s energy and attention toward subconscious layers of the brain—a natural phenomenon that can be unhelpful if you really need to engage in conscious thought.

“Why did you drink and drive?” presumes you messed up. “Why” you made that choice was likely impacted by a whole host of factors, some of which you may not even be aware of. Your response may be, “Because I thought a few beers wouldn’t matter.”

“Why did you forget your homework?” implies you should have remembered it. Your response may be, “Because I was busy taking out the garbage,” but that simply reflects your brain’s opinion. There is no magical, empirical, double-blinded-study response to offer as an answer to a “why” question.

Sometimes human beings just do something absent-mindedly or thinking about something else or as in a split second response to what they perceive as danger. If you were asked “why” you did something every time you turned around, I wouldn’t be surprised if you often responded with, “I don’t know.” Parents ask children “Why” and when the child says (whose brain is years away from being developed) “I don’t know,” the parents say “That’s not an answer.” It certainly is an answer, and if the other person felt safe to say “because I felt sad,” or “mad”, or “glad” or “scared”, etc., you just migt get some surprising answers.

When I am asked “why” questions, I typically preface my response with, “In my brain’s opinion…”

There can be many reasons that a person fails to develop and hone the ability to trust. Appropriate trust is a developmental task that hopefully starts to develop quite early in life and then is enhanced by learning discrimination: who or what is it safe to trust and when it isn’t safe. Both boys and girls need to develop appropriate trust, but it may be even more important for females because, truth be told, there are many times in this present world environment when it may be dangerous to trust. However, if a person’s partner is trustworthy and the individual still cannot trust, the situation doesn’t bode well for the couple.

When a child learns it isn’t safe to trust (typically due to behaviors of parents and caretakers), then in order to compensate that individual in adulthood will likely compensate by trying to always take control and be in control. It’s a way of feeling “safer.”

For a male who is a high-powered executive, he often partners with someone who is happy to let him lead. Therefore, his “style” is pretty much the same at work and at home. Sometimes this partnership works and sometimes he begins to feel like a parent or caretaker and really would prefer a strong woman¾as long as she is able to trust and can alter her control persona at work into a more relaxed and interdependent and content persona in the home environment.

Unfortunately, a female who is responsible for assessing, critiquing, brainstorming, evaluating, and speaking up at work, may unwittingly bring these habits home without even being aware of it. Add to that, females tend to see “possibilities” in their partners (more than “what is”) and believe that if they nudge and inform and even badger a bit, the male can reach his potential. Problem is that each brain only has is its own opinion and males who must “perform” at work to stay employed want and even crave a place to crash and just “be” rather than continually be asked to “do” (or perceive they are expected to do so).

Oh my! I hope you’ve “accepted” him his whole life. He’s still the same boy you’ve loved for 17 years—you just now have some additional information about his preferences. The quality of your parenting guidelines you have for his behaviors while he lives at home need to be the same as it would have been for any son of yours, straight, asexual, or gay. Above all you want to avoid swinging from one extreme to another. Some parents rejects their child’s sexual orientation and abandon them emotionally and spiritually; others because start walking on eggs for fear they’ll say or do something inappropriate. Either way, the child has lost the benefit of effective parenting.

• Would you have allowed him to get a tattoo at 17 before you knew he was gay? If no, then the answer is: “You are free to get a tattoo when you turn 21. Until then you can use stick-on tattoos that wash off.”
   
• Before he came out, would you have talked openly with him regarding concerns you had about some of his friends? He still needs the same level of quality parenting you would provide to any child. Maybe even more so. If he prefers to date boys who have not come out to their parents. This type of relationship requires secrecy, pretending, sneaking around, and maybe even some level of lying, which might increase the adrenalin rush but typically ends in heartache.

• Would you have obtained fake ID so a straight child could sneak into adult bars? I certainly hope not!

• Effective parenting requires open discussion about a great many issues including family rules, personal boundaries, relationships, sexuality, safer sex in relation to sexually transmitted diseases, and so on. There also needs to be open discussion about how to date safely including issues related to potential sexual abuse, partner violence, substance abuse, and blackmail, which can surface in any relationship—there may be a slightly different twist to consider in gay relationships.

• Respect is a two-way street: you respect him and he is expected to respect you. That means if you would insist on meeting a dating partner before allowing one of your other children to go on a 1:1 date, the same thing applies to your gay son.

Bottom line: Loving and accepting your child is one thing; effective parenting is another. Be clear that you would expect the same guideline compliance from him as from your other children and then willing and able to say, “This has nothing to do with your being gay; I am your parent and the choice you want to make is unsafe or inappropriate.” He’ll grow up soon and enough and be out taking on the world for himself. If you really love him, you will provide him with the highest quality parenting of which you are capable—regardless of sexual orientation.

Results from studies at Cardiff University in the United Kingdom suggest there may be links between ADHD or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and genetics. The child of a parent with ADHD is more likely to have the condition than a child of a parent without ADHD; and if one of a set of identical twins has ADHD, the other twin has a 75% chance of having ADHD. Children with ADHD were more likely to have small DNA segments duplicated or missing as compared with controls. Researchers found significant overlap between these segments, or copy number variations (CNVs), and those linked to autism and schizophrenia. With both ADHD and Autism, the most significant overlap of segments, or copy number variations (CNVs), was found at a specific region on chromosome 16. Conclusions indicate that ADHD is likely caused by a number of genetic changes, including CNVs, interacting with as yet unidentified environmental factors that may involve epigenetics; and that ADHD is better considered as a neurodevelopmental disorder like autism rather than as a behavioral problem.

Apparently so. And not just with autism. A new study recently published in the Lancet British Medical Journal, reported that an international group of scientists have identified genetic links between several conditions including ADHD, autism, depression, manic-depression (bi-polar), and schizophrenia—this could help explain the reason that some of these diagnoses seem to cluster in families. Smoller, a psychiatry professor at Massachusetts General Hospital, explained that the portions of the genome identified (that appeared to increase the risk for these five conditions) also seemed to be involved in how calcium channels operate in the brain, which impact how brain cells communicate.

In addition, findings from the first ever population-based study to follow children with ADHD into adulthood (a 20-years study by Mayo Clinic) are published in the April 2013 issue of Pediatrics. According to Dr. William Barbaresi, lead author, “ADHD is by far the most common neurodevelopmental disorder in childhood.” Study findings indicated that approximately 30% of children with ADHD will continue to have it as a chronic problem in adulthood. And 80% of those adults typically have at least one other condition (e.g., anxiety, substance abuse, major depression, anti-social behaviors).

Children with ADHD also may struggle with low self-esteem, troubled relationships and poor performance in school—some of which can carry over into adulthood. No doubt this study will help many to realize that 70% of children diagnosed with ADHD will outgrow it before adulthood or at least will learn how to deal with it. Treatment typically involves both medications and behavioral interventions. While treatment does not cure ADHD, it can help a great deal with symptoms and the behavioral interventions can help the individual learn to develop and implement more effective behavioral choices.

Every brain learns “differently” because every brain is different. Some brain do not do very well in mainstream traditional schools. They may just get by or may not get by at all. My guess is that ALE students just exemplify (perhaps at a deeper level) how brains learn differently. Some young people thrive in mainstream education, others just get by in regular schools; they definitely “learn” but not always what parents and teachers wish they would learn. Still others can learn but do so most effectively through alternative educational opportunities.

With ALE students it’s important to give them whole brain and multi-sensory learning opportunities. That way more associations are created in the brain, which increases the likelihood of storing and retrieving the information. It takes a bit of thought to teach non-sequentially and integrate all three sensory systems in the process but it can be done; that style, of course, would also benefit non-ALE students.

If they can read and articulate, it can be very helpful to read to them AND have them read aloud for a few minutes in each class. That truly stimulates the whole brain and can be very helpful for learning. Have the whole class read a couple paragraphs together and have each child read a paragraph at a time aloud while the other children listen, etc.

Depending on their age, you might have them complete the Sensory Preference Assessment (home page under Taylor’s Assessments) and talk about the sensory data that registers most quickly and intensely in each brain. You can emphasize the importance of using all three systems by design to enhance learning and to communicate more effectively, etc. Have fun with it! When an activity is fun, human beings are more likely to remember it and use the information.

Some young people openly express their frustration toward “school,” others seethe silently, still others lash out or drop out when they perceive no one is hearing them. Unfortunately, the way in which students react often results in their becoming marginalized, if not just kicked out of school on the spot. Nevertheless, their behaviors are trying to communicate something—something about how the current educational environment is not meeting their learning needs and, in fact, may be making it more difficult for them to learn.

Although research hasn’t exactly pinpointed how the brain learns, studies have shown how the brain learns best. This is at once exhilarating, because with some effort and innovation the process of learning could be enhanced significantly for most, and depressing—since millions of brains are experiencing sub-optimal learning as they move through or drop out of the educational process in a variety of environments, some of which are at least demeaning if not outright punishing or abusive at some level. Following are just two examples.

• Some brains learn best seated in a traditional chair or chair-desk position; others in a nontraditional body position (e.g., sitting or lying on the floor, curled up / stretched out on a couch, standing, walking around, in a beanbag). If in traditional chairs, the seating arrangements need to be movable (e.g., circles, U shapes, V shapes). Studies by Rita and Ken Dunn have shown that 20% of learners are significantly affected, positively or negatively, by seating options or lack of options. An increase in physical space between students leads to an increase in on-task time and a decrease in disruptive behavior.

• Students learn best when they are not only permitted but also are encouraged to stand and to get up and move around. Studies of adolescents have shown that 50% needed extensive mobility while learning, 25% needed occasional mobility, and 25% needed at least minimal opportunities for physical movement—not just at recess or meal breaks but throughout the learning process. The brain is activated during physical movement, which helps to optimize its performance. Just standing up creates more attentional arousal, increases blood flow and oxygen to the brain by 10-15%, and can speed up the processing of information by 5-20%.

It’s no wonder some students are frustrated. Moreover with brains only partially completed, they are unable to articulate what isn’t working—they just know they’re struggling.

In this 21st century, educational systems could be capable of providing learners with brain-compatible environments and with curricula that support the way in which the brain naturally learns best. The question is, will they? For the sake of millions of brains on this planet, the answer needs to be “yes!”

References are available at Brain References—Brain Learning & Memory.

The short answer is change your expectations. Many parents and teachers make the basic error of trying to require the male brain to conform to activity levels typically exhibited by the female brain.

The longer answer is that studies have shown the average boy is physically more active at every age—beginning with gestation—than the average girl. Avoid falling into that trap or, if you’re in it, get out!

When expecting a boy to pay attention (especially if he doesn’t have an auditory sensory preference), give him something to hold in his hands to play with. Sometime playing symphonic music in the background can help him concentrate, as well (although, if both children are in the same environment, the music may distract your daughter).

She may be referring to updated nomenclature that includes Attention Deficit Disorder as one type of ADHD. As you probably already know, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder it is a chronic condition that affects millions of children. It is characterized by trouble with inattentiveness, hyperactive behavior, or impulsiveness¾and sometimes a combination of all three. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have indicated that up to 9.5% of children between the ages of 4 and 17 have been reported as having ADHD May be diagnosed when typical symptoms have been exhibited consistently for a minimum of six months in at least two different settings (e.g., at home and at school). Many speak of three types of ADHD.

Type 1: Combined ADHD – The most common type involves both inattentiveness and hyperactivity-impulsivity. May be seen in children who seem to be constantly moving or agitated and are unable to focus attention on almost anything.

Type 2: Inattentive ADHD – This type, formerly known as ADD, is marked by symptoms of impaired attention and concentration. May be observed in children who are not moving or agitated but seem to be consistently daydreaming and find it hard to attend.

Type 3: Hyperactive-impulsive ADHD – This type is characterized by hyperactivity-impulsivity symptoms without inattentiveness. May be recognized in children who can be attentive as long as they are allowed to stand and/or move around while learning.

Linking immunizations to a variety of illnesses or conditions has been quite popular. Unanswered questions include whether or not the individual already had some inflammatory process going on in brain or body or if the immunization might have functioned as a co-factor to surface an already underlying (although perhaps dormant) condition or none of those. Just this year The New York Times reported on an article published in the Lancet, a British Medical Journal, that provided some interesting results based on examination of genetic data from more than 60,000 people worldwide. Researchers identified common genetic risk factors linking five diagnoses [schizophrenia, bipolar disorders, major depression, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or ADHD, and autism], which pointed to a specific signaling system. According to Dr. Jordan Smoller, lead author of the paper and a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital: “What we identified here is probably just the tip of an iceberg. As these studies grow we expect to find additional genes that might overlap.”

Which disease, if any, develops is thought to depend on other genetic or epigenetic (environmental) factors. Sometimes one individual with a genetic mutation developed one condition, a relative with the same mutation might develop a different one. Reportedly the researchers had already seen some clues of overlapping genetic effects in identical twins. One might have schizophrenia while the other had bipolar disorder, meaning that two different diagnoses may have the same genetic risk factors. This could help explain the reason that some of these diagnoses seem to cluster in families.

Biting can occur for a variety of reasons. Mammals and other creatures tend to bite when they are fearful. In a similar way, children sometimes bite others when they are angry, fearful, frustrated, excited, over-stimulated, or to get attention. During periods of teething, children may bite to relieve pain unless an appropriate substitute has been provided. Since children put almost everything in their mouth to learn about it, they may be unaware of the difference between chewing on a toy and on a real person. Beyond that, some estimate that about 10% of children exhibit biting behaviors.

In my brain’s opinion, biting is unacceptable behavior. Biting children at school is completely unacceptable behavior. Children need to learn to use words to communicate what they are feeling.

• Children tend to copy behaviors they see exhibited. Be careful about your own role-modeling behaviors. If you yell, slap, kick, and throw things when you are upset, your child’s brain may decide that these types of behaviors are okay in specific situations.

• Never bite a child back. That just teaches the child’s brain (in which the principle of empathy isn’t yet well developed) that biting is okay. After all, adults do it.

• Pay careful attention to when biting occurs and be proactive. For example, if the child bites when overstimulated, have clear rule when playing and limit the number of children in the play group.

• If the child bites, calmly separate the child and say something like, “Teeth are for eating. Use words to tell me how you feel.” Teaching sign language to small children gives them a tool with which to communicate when language is not yet developed.

• Punishment may be unhelpful. A time-out to allow the child to calm down and break the cycle can be helpful, especially with older children. Sometimes the removal of a privilege can get their attention.

• Affirm the child whenever he or she uses words rather than actions to convey feelings.

This is not a game (in spite of the name). It is a highly dangerous and potentially life-threatening activity used to alter one’s state of consciousness. It has been practiced worldwide for generations and has been passed down in playgrounds, summer camps, neighborhoods, and probably via online chat-rooms these days. In almost any group of adults, one can find someone who played this game in some form or another during childhood. It is known by a plethora of other labels including Choking Game, Fainting Game, Dream Game, Pass-out Game, Flat liner, Suffocation Roulette, California Choke, Space Cowboy, Space Monkey, and Purple Dragon to name just a few. 

The goal is to achieve a euphoric state by stopping the flow of oxygen-containing blood to the brain. Individuals who engage in this type of activity are typically juvenile males, but juvenile females and adults of both genders have also been involved. The activity has been responsible for hundreds of juvenile deaths, and likely for many others that were listed as “suicides” although no suicide note was left. Even if they survive, people are probably killing brain cells each time they engage in this activity. The damage is also likely to be permanent and cumulative. Neurological disabilities (among survivors) are typically in the juvenile male cohort.

Sometimes children choke each other until the person being choked passes out. The pressure on the arteries is then released and blood flow to the brain resumes causing a “rush” as consciousness returns. There are variations of this activity which involve hyper-ventilating until the participant loses consciousness. The variation in blood pressure may also cause strokes, seizures, and retinal damage.

Sadly enough, most victims are not children in trouble. Rather they tend to be well-liked, active, intelligent, stable youngsters who wanted nothing to do with drugs or alcohol. This was an activity they felt was safe. In addition, they don’t realize that a child choking another child who is injured or who dies, could be indicted and prosecuted for his/her part in the injury or death—not a pretty picture.

It is never safe. This activity is dangerous enough in groups. The danger becomes even greater when a ligature is used and the activity is performed alone. If the individual loses consciousness and there is no one there to immediately release the pressure, he is unable to help himself. Most of the children who have died from this were alone.

Children have no clue about the physiological principles involved and need to be told by the adults in their lives how dangerous this is. Also, most children have no concept of their own mortality. They truly believe nothing can hurt them. Children may not fully understand the outcomes from playing this deadly game, but as they do it more they may become addicted to the rush/experience. As they grow older they continue to do this and it can progress into something even more dangerous. Unfortunately, it is not only children whose brains have been damaged or destroyed by this activity but also adults.

The attractions of the activity are myriad. It may be done as a dare, it can induce a brief sense of euphoria, it is reported to enhance erotic feelings, it may be amusing to some to watch others losing consciousness or behaving erratically, the prospect of an altered state of consciousness may be attractive, and participants may appear “cool” because it may be viewed as risky. It is also free, legal, and can appear innocuous to those who don’t understand the mechanism involved.

Warning signs may include:

• Any suspicious mark on the side of the neck, sometimes hidden by means of a turtleneck, scarf, or permanently turned-up collar 
• Changes in personality, such as becoming overly aggressive or agitated 
• Any type of strap, rope, or belt lying about near the child without any reason (questions about such objects are often eluded) 
• Headaches, loss of concentration, a flushed face 
• Bloodshot eyes or any other noticeable signs of stress on the eyes 
• A thud in the bedroom or against a wall indicating a fall 
• Questions or comments about the effects, sensations, or dangers of strangulation

The only antidote I know of is to talk about this activity and its consequences openly and with everyone—children (starting in elementary grades), parents, and teachers. Young people need to be told by the trusted adults in their lives how dangerous this really is. That information needs to be part of curricula addressing other risky behaviors (e.g., alcohol, street drugs).

You can find additional information at the following website: http://www.deadlygameschildrenplay.com.

Excellent question. Yes, body cells are able to multiply and divide on a fairly regular basis although the quality of the new cells may diminish with very old age. There are various reports of how often the body generates new cells but this is a range reported by some:

• Heart muscle cells: ongoing renewal
• Joint and cartilage cells: ongoing renewal
• Bones/skeleton: 10% annually
• Colon cells: 2-3 days
• Stomach cells: 2-9 days
• Blood platelets: 10 days
• Taste bud cells: 10-14 days
• Lung cells: 14-21 days
• Red blood cells: 4 months
• Liver cells: 5 months

It appears to be a different story with neurons, the brain’s thinking cells. Some research suggested that the brain’s search engine—the hippocampus—was capable of birthing new cells. More recently that conclusion has come into question and is less clear. Some research also suggests that the glial cells that support and nurture neurons, are capable of replacing themselves.

At time of birth and for some time afterward, the brain contains more neurons than it will retain for adulthood. During the first few years the brain goes through a process of pruning and gets rid of neurons that are not being used, which underscores the importance of stimulating the brain and giving it healthy and active learning experiences to notify the brain that these cells are being used and needed. You may have heard recommendations that beginning during pregnancy it can be important to “talk to the fetus aloud,” read to it, play music for it, and so on. After the baby is born, recommendations continue to be: talk, talk, talk, sing, laugh, read aloud…and so on.

Consensus is that by and large at some point in early life you will have all the brain cells that likely will be generated and after that learning involves growing more connections between cells. Therefore, from this perspective, the brain remembers as long as it is healthy and well because it is using the same cells.

Again, this points out the criticality of taking very good care of those cells: safety protection, plenty of water so the tissue doesn’t shrink, quality nutrition, sufficient sleep, physical activity every day, challenging mental stimulation every day, And that is precisely the reason for the Longevity Lifestyle Matters program.

What’s with their brains? They’re still in the oven, so to speak. Physician maturity equals does not necessarily indicate brain maturation. Just because a teenager’s body appears somewhat adult-like, it’s an error in judgment to assume that the same is true for his/her brain!

Myelination of the brain (the process of coating nerve fibers with a cholesterol sheath known as myelin) likely continues until age 20 or 21. Maturation of the prefrontal lobes of the brain may continue until the mid-twenties. Practically, this means that the way in which your brain processes information may be very different from the way in which your teenager’s brains function.

PET Scan studies have shown that when individuals were asked specific questions or were asked to solve problems, portions of the brain that were activated differ based on age. To comprehend the significance of this, it’s important to understand that what is commonly referred to as “the brain” actually consists of several different, although interconnected brains.

For example:

• The action brain layer—that includes the brain stem and cerebellum and is the home of reflexive and instinctual behaviors (no conscious thought)
• The emotional brain layer—that is sometimes referred to as the pain/pleasure center, limbic system, or relational brain (no conscious thought)
• The thinking brain layer—that is also known as the cerebrum, gray matter, or cortex (conscious thought)

Conclusions of the study were that, in general, individuals below the age of 21 tended to process information in the emotional brain layer where there’s no conscious thought (especially in the presence of any type of fear). Those over the age of 21 tended to process information in the thinking brain layer where there is conscious thought.

When you ask why questions of individuals (e.g., Why did you do that?) who are below the age of 21, they may want to respond and may even try to do so. However, because they tend to process in the emotional brain layer they may become defensive and be unable to articulate effectively. This negative outcome can be further compounded if they perceive the situation to be adversarial or stressful.

If the adult is processing information from the conscious thinking brain, while the adolescent is processing information from the subconscious emotional brain, it’s no wonder there can be a definite disconnect in the communication process (often referred to as a generation gap)! Avoid why questions if at all possible. They’re difficult for adults, never mind those under the age of 21. Rather, try speaking in terms of cause and effect. For example, Raquel (not her real name) stayed out past college curfew. She spent the night in her car, triggering a missing persons search, anxiety in a number of family members, and suspension discipline from the college. She could not answer the typical why questions that were asked of her. Finally her favorite aunt said, “Perhaps you didn’t realize, Raquel, that by failing to return to the dorm on time you risked negative outcomes that included…”

Eyes wide, the girl responded, “Those possibilities never occurred to me!” That opened the door for nonthreatening cross-generational discussions about what she could learn by this experience and how she could make a different choice in a similar situation in the future. The more you role-model this type of cognitive processing in your own lives, the more effective your communication is likely to be.

I am so glad you asked the question. That is a very adult thing to do, when you are unclear about what another person actually meant. Identifying your brain’s perception is a good thing. Identifying whether or not your brain’s perception is completely accurate is quite another. I have no idea the reason your mother gave you up for adoption—that doesn’t mean she “rejected you,” it may simply mean that she saw no way to take care of you. And if she did consciously reject you, it is undeniably traumatic and painful. However, your brain also decides how long you want to hang onto that pain and allow it to continue hurting you in negative ways.

Research at the University of Connecticut, Department of Human Development and Family Studies, showed that regardless of race, culture, or gender, most people (children as well as adults) tended to have a similar response when they perceived rejection from their parents or caregivers. Rejection by either parent is traumatic for children. However, since fathers tend to be viewed as having more power or higher prestige, rejection by a father can be harder on you and can cause more long-lasting emotional damage than being rejected by your mother. As a result, such children tend to become more anxious and insecure and may also become more hostile and aggressive towards others. The emotional pain generated from the rejection registers in the same part of the brain as physical pain and can remain into adulthood, preventing the individual from developing strong, trusting relationships with other adults. This can negatively impact their own life in a myriad of differing ways unless the individual chooses to actively recover and heal.

How can you recover from parental rejection? The steps are much like those used in other instances of emotional pain. First, identify what you believed happened and describe it to yourself. If possible, tell your parent(s) you felt rejected as a child and ask what was going on with them because you “might have misinterpreted something.” If they are willing to talk, just listen, then thank them for sharing with you and being honest. Now just think about what they said or if you cannot ask them, ask an aunt or uncle; and if that is not possible, move into your mind’s eye and ask your brain what might have been going on with them. You cannot undo the past. You can create a healthier future by resolving the emotional angst and letting it go. Sometimes the best you can do is acknowledge that it was their baggage and not yours. If you hang onto “why” and “if only,” you are allowing the rejection to continue to taint your life. If you have the opportunity and choose to ask the question, sometimes there are amazing results. If not, you at least can validate that your perceptions were accurate and move on.

For example: while waiting in line recently, the woman next to me began to chat about recently reconnecting with her parents 40+ years after she had left Asia as a small girl with her older brother—whom she was very close to. During all those years she had wondered “why my parents rejected me.” Her parents said that she had begged to go to American with her brother but they had refused and locked her in her bedroom. Somehow she had climbed out of her bedroom window, caught up with her brother, and he had taken her with him to America. As they talked together, the woman began to get glimpses in her mind’s eye of running down the street after her brother, crying, and calling to him to take her with him. The woman said “I’m so glad I finally got up the courage to ask them why they had rejected me. Turns out they hadn’t!” Admittedly, things don’t always turn out like this—but unless you try, all you are left with are your own perceptions. There are always two sides to the same story and your brain only has your side—until and unless it is willing to look at the other side. If you cannot do that with actual people because they no longer are alive, you can do that by imagining what the other side of the story might have been. In that process, you just might recall a tidbit or two that may be very helpful.

And finally, if you did not receive the quality of parenting you wanted, one of your developmental tasks and personal growth can be to re-parent yourself. That means, taking care of yourself in the way you would have liked your parent(s) to take care of you.

Their brains aren’t done yet; they’re incomplete because they’re still developing. Even with an adult brain, how many times have you been told to do something and repeatedly done the opposite? One thing about human beings in general is that brains of almost any age like choices. I’ve found that giving children choices can be a very effective discipline tool and often obviates the need for punishment.

Mark Brandenburg made that point in his book entitled, 25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers. He talked about the importance of using choices when disciplining children. For example: “You may either take your ball outside and throw it or you can play in here without throwing the ball. You decide which choice to make.”

The author also describes the difference between discipline and punishment (e.g., discipline is not punishment). Discipline comes from Latin words meaning “pupil” and “learning.” It involves very positive concepts. It has no connection with whacking somebody on the butt or making them stay in their room) and offers practical suggestions that fit hand-in-glove with what current brain function research is revealing about the brain.

Loss will affect them. Make no mistake about that. No doubt the effects will be as individual as the children who are involve. As an adult, you can be alert to changes in their behavior. This can give you some clues about ways in which you can help them. Human behaviors does tend to change temporarily in the face of loss. Some behaviors you might observe in children include:

• Change from being quiet, caring, and thoughtful to loud, noisy, and aggressive. Or moving from being gregarious and talkative, to shy and afraid. Some move from being rather conservative to taking unacceptable risks as if they believe there’s no future ahead of them, so playing it safe doesn’t matter anymore.
• Change from a consistent sleep pattern to having nightmares, bad dreams, or even walk in their sleep. They may even express fears about where they will live, what they will wear, what they will eat, and so on.
• Change from being somewhat self-sufficient to becoming frantic when care providers are out of their sight. They may balk at going to school or childcare even though they have enjoyed those activities in the past. They may act as if they no longer trust their caregivers since, after all, the adults weren’t able to prevent the loss.
• Change from becoming fairly easy going to being easily upset. Crying or whining may escalate. They may even revert to more infantile behaviors such as bed wetting, thumb sucking, or demanding the constant reassurance of holding a favorite blanket or toy. Some may even develop symptoms of illness such as vomiting, diarrhea, fever, or headache. Some may rehearse their fears that the event or situation will reoccur.

The brain matures more slowly than the body. Maturation of the prefrontal lobes of the human brain may not be completed until the individual’s mid-twenties (long after his/her body may appear to be fairly mature). This can help to explain why some of the decisions individuals made prior to their mid-twenties may be problematic for them over time, and may not work very well for them once their pre-frontal lobes have matured.

Demyelinating is a term used to describe the opposite process from myelination. Multiple sclerosis is an example. It is thought to be an autoimmune condition where the body turns against part of itself. In this case, it involves destruction of the myelin sheath. Something triggers the stripping away or the destruction of the insulation. Depending on the location of the affected nervous tissue, a variety of symptoms can ensue, involving enervation of muscle tissue and the conscious control of bodily functions.

Here are examples of strategies that can be effective:

• Have at least one standing desk where the children can take turns standing to work instead of sitting 
   
• Instead of a chair at the sitting desk, get one of those big balls as sitting on one of them uses continuous muscle activity
   
• Designate a movement corner where children can go for 1-2 minutes any time they want to move around quietly
   
• Some children (often males) do well with ear phones playing classical music while they work
   
• Orchestrate an activity break for 1 minute (jumping jacks) every 12-15 minutes during class time
   
• Provide each child with a small squeezy-ball or brain or heart that he or she can squeeze with one hand while writing with the other

The sky is the limit….

Their brains aren’t done yet; they’re incomplete because they’re still developing. Even with an adult brain, how many times have you been told to do something and repeatedly done the opposite? One thing about human beings in general is that brains of almost any age like choices. I’ve found that giving children choices can be a very effective discipline tool and often obviates the need for punishment.

Mark Brandenburg made that point in his book entitled, 25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers. He talked about the importance of using choices when disciplining children. For example: “You may either take your ball outside and throw it or you can play in here without throwing the ball. You decide which choice to make.”

The author also describes the difference between discipline and punishment (e.g., discipline is not punishment). Discipline comes from Latin words meaning “pupil” and “learning.” It involves very positive concepts. It has no connection with whacking somebody on the butt (or making them stay in their room) and offers practical suggestions that fit hand-in-glove with what current brain function research is revealing about the brain.

First, what is your definition of “perfectly”? If by perfectly you mean flawlessly—you’re in for failure big time because no human being can do everything (if anything) absolutely flawlessly. There’s always room for improvement. On the other hand, if you define perfectly (as some dictionaries include in their list of definitions) as ‘well suited for the task at hand,’ that’s doable.

As a nurse I have never yet heard someone wish on their deathbed that they had tried harder to be flawless. It’s more like, “I wish I’d played more with my kids,” or “I should have taken more vacations with my partner,” or “Too bad I bought into so-and-so’s assessment of my value.” At the very least, “perfectionism” can rob life of much of its joy, suppressing your immune system because of the triggered stress responses due to worry and anxiety. At the other end, it can lead to illness and immobility, even to a fear of doing anything because it might not be flawless.

My brain’s opinion is that life is far too short for that type of thinking and behaving. What do you want to do with your life? What do you want it to stand for? Do you want to spend it agonizing about pursuing flawlessness and driving yourself and everyone around you crazy or do you want to do your best at the tasks for which your brain function and interests are well suited?

What can you do about it? Dr. Jeff Szymanski, associate instructor of psychology at Harvard Medical School and executive director of the International OCD Foundation, has suggested doing an exercise to put things into perspective and help you decide where best to put your time and energy.

Identify your personal goals and projects or tasks and assign them priorities using the following scale:

(A) Exceptional Effort   (B) Above Average Effort   (C) Average Effort    (D) Drop it or let go

• A  Reserve this for what is most important to you. For what, on your death bed, you’ll be glad you did. For example, if your career is most valuable, your goals might be to impress the boss, make sure clients are happy, and put out good products at work. If your family is the most valuable, you might be well-served to balance time and energy spent between work and family.

• B  Perhaps you like playing golf or tennis or want to learn a new language. You enjoy these activities, but have no plans to go pro. (Remember it takes at least 10,000 hours of practice to become world class in a chosen field or skill.) Do your best with the time you have to devote to it.

• C  Perhaps having a clean home is important to you. But how often does your home need to be cleaned? Genuine friends want to see you and are less focused on the environment. Could you tidy up on the weekends or focus on a few rooms that get the most traffic? Perhaps you can even afford to hire some help with cleaning—and be sure to be glad for the assistance and don’t try to clean everything before help arrives or reclean everything after help leaves because it wasn’t done exactly to your specifications.

• D  Time-consuming activities that don’t advance your goals or values or improve your relationships or bring you pleasure may need to be dumped. For example, lining up all your hangers or folding all your clothes in a specific way. Everyone has some tasks that, upon reflection, don’t really matter much in the big scheme of things. Ask yourself: “How much will this really matter 12 months from now?” Perhaps you were taught there was only one way to do something and/or have done it that way for so long you’re on no-think autopilot. These types of tasks and activities likely deserve to be pruned.

Finally, you are where you are today because you learned a style of thinking and behaving and may believe you are okay only if you do everything flawlessly. The good news is that because you learned this style, you can learn a new style. I encourage you to do so. If you cannot do it on your own, you may need to get some professional assistance—sooner than later.

I applaud you for wanting the best for your son! Since he has always exhibited ambidextrous behaviors, what makes them think they know the way in which his brain was wired for handedness? People sometimes mistakenly assume that all human beings have a dominant hand and it needs to be the “right” one. The “right” one is different for different individuals. In fact, innate ambidexterity may not be as rare as you may have been led to believe. It may appear to be so (at least in some settings) because adults often push children to select a dominant hand, usually the right hand. Since you have an ambidextrous brother your son’s giftedness may be genetic. I suggest that you try to prevent others from putting pressure on your son to select a dominant hand.

Certainly you can encourage him to be who he is innately. Make it easy for him to use either or both hands for tasks according to his own preference. Place utensils, pencils, tools, etc., in the midline and allow him to pick them up with whichever hand he chooses to use. Place tools or toys in easy reach and allow him to access them on his own. It’s so easy to hand a child an object in a way that prompts him/her to take it with the right hand. Avoid trying to force him into choosing a dominant hand, because if you happened to push him toward selecting the more energy-intensive hand for his brain profile, he can expend more energy than is necessary or desirable, and could become frustrated and discouraged in the process. Life is challenging enough without adding a stressor that could have been avoided.

Let’s start with the second part of your question. Embarrassment can be defined as an acute reaction to the perception that we have not met expectations. What are your expectations for your children in relation to studying music? Is your goal to stimulate brain function, to provide them with a wide range of learning opportunities, and to enrich their lives? Or are they taking lessons and playing in recitals because of your veiled need to feel okay about yourself as a parent? Are you trying to make up something you missed in your childhood? Do you expect your child to performperfectly? If so, you may be creating a stressful situation for your child, as well as yourself. As to the first part of your question, emotional stress has been found to temporarily interfere with receptors in brain synapses. This can help to explain why a child can memorize a piece of music (or a poem), and under the stress of the performance, go blank. Confidence and the ability to recall memorization may go hand-in-hand. If you are very anxious about their performance, they will likely pick this up and internalize your expectations as stress.

Of course, other factors influence the quality of one’s performance: brain lead, level of extroversion, amount of practice, and a balanced high-level-wellness lifestyle to name just a few.

You may want to explore personal growth aspects in your own life, and learn to reward effort as well as outcome, your own as well as that of your children. In an environment where excellence is encouraged, but where mistakes are viewed as opportunities for learning, embarrassment becomes less of an automatic reaction.

Finally, I believe that in most cases, a continued sense of embarrassment is a choice and I choose to avoid going there….

Many women have defined themselves in terms of caring for children. And it isn’t confined to females. Some males wrestle with this perception, as well. It occurs frequently enough that society itself talks about the empty nest syndrome. Caring for children is just one of the roles that many human beings have had the pleasure (or turmoil) of engaging in during a lifetime.

Expectations and perceptions color everything in life. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

1. Is there any possibility your son will experience some hesitancy in leaving home and embracing college? If he senses you will feel loss rather than joy at him gaining maturity, he may do something to sabotage his career path—something that would mean he had to stay home for a couple more years. Would that choice be better for him, or would it just postpone the day when you must get on with the rest of your life in a healthy, productive, rewarding, and functional manner?
2. Is there a chance you have been living life somewhat vicariously through your children? When parents are living vicariously through their children, the children often sense that, and it can put a huge strain on them. It can result in their subconsciously embracing choices that make their parents happy, whether or not those choices are best for the children. Would you really want this for yours? Parents are responsible for their own happiness, a happiness not predicated on children taking inordinate care of their parents in an attempt to make them happy.
3. Is there any risk that your son may believe (even subconsciously) that he owesyou for having birthed him, or that he is somehow responsible for doing whatever it takes to prevent you from being sad or lonely? Some young people have made choices that negatively impacted the rest of their lives simply because they felt responsibility for a parent’s feelings. The job of parenting, in my brain’s opinion, is to raise children to adulthood by role-modeling what it means to be functional, happy, confident, and productive, and to help them leave the nest to engage in activities that match their own brain function with as little baggage as possible.
4. Are you afraid to be alone? Some individuals go from their childhood home directly to their adulthood home and never experience living on their own between moving out and partnering. If that was your experience, maybe this is the time to learn how to live contentedly with yourself. You can share with your son that both of you are learning to do something new. If this wasn’t your experience, you might consider taking in a foster child or caring for the child of friends while they are at work outside of the home.

Childcare is simply one of the many roles that males and females exhibit. I encourage you to let your children go out into the world, unencumbered by your preferences. Continue to enjoy, nurture, and affirm each of them individually—at whatever distance works for them. If childcare truly is your passion, find a way to bless others (beyond your own children) and the world through that passion. This expanded vision may mean obtaining a child development certificate and working in a daycare center. It could mean volunteering at a local school, spending time with selected children who need a bit more assistance and attention than the teacher can provide. It might involve assisting in after-school programs— making a difference in the lives of youngsters who otherwise might be classified as “latch-key kids.”

And if childcare is not your passion (and you are simply afraid of being alone or of learning new skills), then figure out what you would like to do more than anything else in the world (now that day-to-day hands-on parenting of your biological children is no longer required) and find a way to make it happen. That could result in some seriously beneficial role-modeling.

Whatever you choose, be clear about the difference between caretaking and caring. Caretaking involves giving to others in an attempt to feel better about yourself; caring is giving to others from a healthy super-ego position because your cup is so full-to-overflowing you have plenty to share. Avoid caretaking like the plague—and be a caregiver. 

PET Scan studies have shown that below age 21, there is a tendency for the individual to go directly to the emotional brain layer (no conscious thought) when attempting to answer questions or problem-solve. Over age 21, the tendency is to access functions of the thinking brain layer (conscious thought).

The term generation gap may simply refer, at least in part, to miscommunication between individuals, some above age 21 and others below, each trying to communicate by using an entirely different portion of the brain. Avoid using the wordwhy in communication, if at all possible. That word can typically be perceived as stressful or threatening (e.g., could trigger downshifting of the person’s brain). Use other words to elicit information or trigger discussion. Try instead:

• What did you want to have happen in this situation?
• When you made this choice what did you think might happen?
• What could you do differently in the future to achieve a more desirable outcome?

I applaud you for wanting the best for your son! Since he has always exhibited ambidextrous behaviors, what makes them think they know the way in which his brain was wired for handedness? People sometimes mistakenly assume that all human beings have a dominant hand and it needs to be the “right” one. The “right” one is different for different individuals. In fact, innate ambidexterity may not be as rare as you may have been led to believe. It may appear to be so (at least in some settings) because adults often push children to select a dominant hand, usually the right hand. Since you have an ambidextrous brother your son’s giftedness may be genetic. I suggest that you try to prevent others from putting pressure on your son to select a dominant hand.

Certainly you can encourage him to be who he is innately. Make it easy for him to use either or both hands for tasks according to his own preference. Place utensils, pencils, tools, etc., in the midline and allow him to pick them up with whichever hand he chooses to use. Place tools or toys in easy reach and allow him to access them on his own. It’s so easy to hand a child an object in a way that prompts him/her to take it with the right hand. Avoid trying to force him into choosing a dominant hand because, if you happened to push him toward selecting the more energy-intensive hand for his brain profile, he can expend more energy than is necessary or desirable, and could become frustrated and discouraged in the process. Life is challenging enough without adding a stressor that could have been avoided.

My guess is that Alice Miller was attempting to address the way in which some have interpreted the admonition to “honor your parents,” even when those parents have been or are being currently abusive (mentally, emotionally, sexually, physically, spiritually, financially, or you name it). As I recall, Miller’s conclusion was that individuals abused in childhood can attempt to “honor” their parents only by recourse to repression and emotional detachment (because you cannot build up a relaxed and trusting relationship with parents you still fear consciously or unconsciously). At times, this same admonition has been used as a way to control one’s children and/or to sweep bad behaviors under the carpet. In adulthood some children believe that honoring their parents means continuing to accept abuse when seeing their parents and/or speaking with them electronically. The result? The children allow their brains and bodies (leased for use while on this planet) to be battered in any number of unhealthy and dysfunctional ways.

In a perfect world, healthy functional parents would take great pains to protect their children and avoid abusing them in any manner whatsoever. This is not a perfect world. Honoring abusive parents may simply involve acknowledging the position they hold in your generational inheritance and refraining from exhibiting ugly or abusive behaviors toward them—while at the same time reducing or limiting time spent with them and sometimes stopping all contact with them if they are continuing to exhibit abusive behaviors.

Do about it? Why not help your child to hone that brain-function ability and use it appropriately? Imagination can be critically important in learning to problem-solve effectively. It can bridge the conscious and subconscious minds and is associated with intuition, brainstorming, and creativity.

Studies have shown some gender differences. The generalized female brain, with prefrontal cortex differences and more integrated hemispheric functions, tends to excel at imagining future outcomes in innovative ways. Regardless of gender, the ability to apply an active imagination to a variety of settings can be invaluable.

Dealing with loss (actual or vicarious) isn’t easy for adults. It can be overwhelming for children! They may evidence this by going from being quiet to noisy (or vice versa), or from caring to aggressive, or even appear stoic. They may experience nightmares, may sleep-walk, become easily upset, become frantic when care providers are out of sight, or revert to more infantile behaviors (e.g., thumb sucking, bed wetting). To the extent that you are comfortable dealing with loss and moving through grief recovery, you will be able to role model an effective process for your children.

I have posted an article entitled Grief Recovery Pyramid on the website. It contains suggestions for helping children deal with loss.

I cannot tell you what path to take or if you are on the right path for your kids. I can tell you that there is a healthy type of love for one’s offspring and unhealthy types of love. Studies have shown that happiness is not tied to money and possessions, not even to people you know. Kids who are spoiled with “money and things,” tend to basically live a somewhat dissatisfied life—especially after their “sugar daddy” (father) has died. During his lifetime they often act very loving to his face because they want the supply train to keep delivering. Behind his back, however, they are often very dismissive of him as a person and even laugh at how hard he works “to give us what we want.”

When children do not have to work for what they get and learn to save, they can be predisposed to fall apart when Daddy dies—less because they miss him as a loving parent and more because they fear the supply train will diminish. For girls, they may never realize a healthy relationship because it is the rare partner who will have the resources to allow her anything her heart desires. Recently there have been some articles written about “Hollywood parents” and/or “wealthy parents” who are not leaving all their money to their kids….. Hmm. Human beings teach others how to treat them. You might at least want to consider this in relation to your current financial goals and perspectives for your kids.

Generally, yes. Here are several suggestions for you to consider:

• Learn about brain lead, Extroversion-Ambiversion-Introversion, and sensory preference. This can help you to help him be successful in the tasks that match his innate giftedness and can give you ideas for gently providing him with learning experiences that can build whole-brained competencies.
   
• Make an effort to converse with him to help build his vocabulary.
   
• Read stories to him; listen to him read aloud to you.
   
• Limit his TV watching to less than one hour a day.
   
• Provide him with music lessons. Studies have shown that children who study music have increased spatial-temporal reasoning ability.
   
• Spend time playing with him. Play is the work of children.
   
• Introduce him to individuals who are different from you to expand his horizons.
   
• Take field trips, travel, research a topic, plant a small garden, etc.
   
• Encourage him to explore; the brain thrives on variety and new experiences.
   
• Admit your own mistakes and help him to accept his, understanding that there’s a big difference between making a mistake and being a mistake.
   
• Be generous in your praise of his efforts and his accomplishments.

“Why” questions are very difficult, if not impossible, to answer. There is really no way for a specific brain to be objectively accurate when trying to answer “why.” It may provide some perceived reasons, but since the bulk of one’s thinking occurs at a subconscious level, this pretty well guarantees that the reason is never the reason.

Hanging-back behaviors may relate to self-esteem issues. Perhaps the child doesn’t feel “worth” a treat (e.g., has done something he/she thinks is bad or wrong even if others don’t know about it). Perhaps the child has been conditioned to take “others first” very literally, to wait until everyone else has received a treat and then see if anything is left.

Try talking with the child. In a calm, neutral voice, describe the behavior you have observed and ask the child to talk about it so you can better understand him/her. Try to make it equally easy for each child to accept a treat.

You might want to take inventory of your own level of self-worth. Remember, human beings tend to pass on what they know. Stated another way, you can only teach and role-model what you know.

It all depends on what you mean by “it wasn’t needed.” Studies in school are designed to build skills and neuron highways throughout the brain. And, yes, it is possible to do that in ways other than going to college. My brain’s opinion is that having a piece of paper stating you were able to complete a specific level of formal education can open doors that otherwise might remain closed to you (especially during a recession). The piece of paper (i.e., degree) doesn’t guarantee that you’ll be hired or retained if you are hired, but sometimes it allows you to get your foot in the door….

Their brains aren’t done yet; they’re incomplete because they’re still developing. Even with an adult brain, how many times have you been told to do something and repeatedly done the opposite? One thing about human beings in general is that brains of almost any age like choices. I’ve found that giving children choices can be a very effective discipline tool and often obviates the need for punishment.

Mark Brandenburg made that point in his book entitled, 25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers. He talked about the importance of using choices when disciplining children. For example: “You may either take your ball outside and throw it or you can play in here without throwing the ball. You decide which choice to make.”

The author also describes the difference between discipline and punishment (e.g., discipline is not punishment). Discipline comes from Latin words meaning “pupil” and “learning.” It involves very positive concepts. It has no connection with whacking somebody on the butt or making them stay in their room) and offers practical suggestions that fit hand-in-glove with what current brain function research is revealing about the brain.

Do I know how many languages and dialects exist? No, I do not. I’m not sure anyone does. According to www.ethnologue.com, there are 7,117 languages spoken today on Planet Earth. Who knows how many dialects?

As for the first question, I have both spoken and written about that. Studies have shown that a newborn can immediately distinguish the language the mother spoke during pregnancy. For parents who want to give their child(ren) the gift of becoming multilingual it is best to begin early. The newborn can start recognizing the sounds for up to three languages simultaneously—more easily if a different person consistently speaks each language.

After year one, however, the baby’s brain no longer responds to phonetic elements peculiar to non-native languages. After age eight, the ability to fluently learn a non-native language gradually declines no matter the extent of practice or exposure. If possible, teach your child(ren) or grandchild(ren) a second or third language. Studies suggest that people who are at least bilingual may have a longer lifespan, likely due to the brain stimulation that results from speaking more than one language.

Very young human infants can perceive and discriminate between differences in all human speech sounds and are not innately biased towards the phonemes characteristic of any particular language. However, this universal appreciation does not persist.―www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK11007/

Left-brain deficiency is simply a label that some people use which describes (in a negative way in my brain’s opinion) a person whose brain has an innate right-brain energy advantage. I prefer describing things, insofar as it is possible to do so, in a way that is less likely to make a brain feel incomplete or inefficient. Do most individuals who have giftedness in the right hemisphere struggle with details, tasks, and expectations related to left hemisphere functions? Definitely. Is society skewed toward rewarding left hemisphere functions (especially in school)? It appears so.

In the book Disconnected Kids by Dr. Robert Melillo, characteristics of a child with left-brain deficiency may include:

• Tends to procrastinate tasks that require large amounts of energy (brain tends to avoid what it knows require more energy) 
• May have poor self-esteem, especially when it comes to academics
• Dislikes doing homework
• Is not good at following routines
• Has difficulty following multiple-step directions
• May jump to conclusions
• Generally has a very easy going attitude
• May be difficult to motivate at times
• Struggles with a sense of time
• Has a poor sense of passage of time especially if interested in something
• Has difficulty with details and sequential multiple-step directions

These characteristics are exhibited by a child with a right-brain advantage. They are not characteristics rewarded in most current school system. Therefore, it’s relatively easy to understand how such a child would have difficulty in a typical school setting that emphasizes left-brain functions. Here are just a few characteristics and I’ve included (in parentheses) the probable correlation with the cerebral division that accomplishes the task most easily, Sensory Preference, or Extraversion-Ambiversion-Introversion. These brains are gifted in characeristics that differ from those brains who are gifted in left brain characteristics. Here are some of the characteristics in children with right brain advantage that are also needed in our world todayl

• Able to mentally picture something they want to creat (Envisioning))
• Is an intuitive thinker (Envisioning)
• Is led by feelings (Harmonizingt)
• Dislikes routines (Maintaining)
• Good at abstract free association (Envisioning)
• Poor analytical skills (Prioritizing)
• Likes pictures, images, and patterns (Envisioning)
• Frequently asks why questions about almost everything (Envisioning)
• Enjoys touching and feeling actual objects (Kinesthetic)
• Is unlikely to read instructions before trying something new (Envisioning)
• Is naturally creative, but needs to work hard to develop full potential (each cerebral division has its own form of creativity but exhibiting that in a left-hemisphere style may be somewhat of an oxymoron)
• Would rather do things hands on instead of just observing (Kinesthetic)
• Can often come up with the correct answer but has difficulty articulating how it got the answer (Envisioning)
• Sees the big picture (Envisioning)
• (Likes variety (Envisioning, Extroverted brains)

So what do you do? Identify and affirm your twins for what they do well. Help them to honor and enjoy their brain’s giftedness, recognizing that this differs in some ways from what society in general (and often education in particular) rewards. Help them understand that although the way in which their brains function is not well-aligned with expectations in the typical main-stream school system, they can still be successful!

Avoid negative reinforcement and punishment. Use a “when you do this, you will…” approach, always speaking in a positive style and stimulating the brain with hope. Be patient, be viewed as a resource rather than an enforcer, be consistent, catch them doing what needs to be done, and be warmly affirming.

Avoid just asking “Have you finished such and such?” Rather, look at the project or paper with them. For example, if the teacher requires a research project, sit down with the twins, break the project into small steps, and write each step on a large calendar. When the date rolls around, compare notes with the twins, see what has been accomplished, and help them as necessary. Be sure to offer encouragement and affirmation as each step is completed. Remember that a big-picture brain can find it energy-exhausting to break the big picture down into small steps and usually needs help with that. One of the major hemispheric bridges, the corpus callosum, isn’t even myelinated or paved until age 20-21, which can further complicate hemispheric communication. (Think of myelin as the brain’s asphalt, which paves the neuron highways.)

Understand that the function of willpower resides in the pre-frontal cortex. That portion of the brain is more or less done somewhere in the late 20’s or 30’s for many brains. It’s important to begin developing the skills of willpower at their age as long as you remember their brains are not even close to being done as yet. Also remember, that willpower can help persist through to a new goal but is not designed to stop a bad behavior. Willpower rarely works well in helping someone NOT do something (e.g., don’t forget, don’t procrastinate, don’t miss a step). Rather, be very specific in what to do now (e.g., remember that your research project is due on Friday. Let’s review is now in case there is something else that needs to be done.).

You may want to apologize to your daughter for assuming she is not following the program. Males have a larger percentage of muscle tissue than a comparable female. About 40 percent of a male’s tissue is muscle, and muscle tissue burns more calories; at least 5 more calories per pound than fat tissue—even at rest! This means that males generally find it much easier to lose weight or maintain an optimum weight. With a greater fat to muscle ratio, female can find it a challenge to lose weight. Prevention (avoid gaining extra weight in the first place) is easier than cure for many people, certainly for the average female, who simply cannot eat the same number of calories as a male and maintain optimum weight. There are some strategies you daughter can use to help in the process, however:

• Get plenty of sleep. Females who are sleep-deprived tend to eat and snack more, especially with foods such as ice cream.

• Make water your beverage of choice. Drinking sodas and sugary drinks can contribute to obesity in anyone, but especially in females who fine it harder to lose. Also, stop drinking any “diet drinks.” Studies have shown that people who eat diet drinks tend to eat several hundred more calories at the next meal than they otherwise would. Drink a glass of water 15-30 minutes before you eat (because it’s difficult to distinguish between thirst and hungry and many people eat when they are actually thirsty).

• Eat a good breakfast and include some complex carbohydrates (that provide fuel to power the brain and nervous system). Make dinner the lightest meal with salads and soups and steamed or raw veggies.

Eat slowly. Chew your food well. Put down your utensil between bites. Give your brain 15-20 minutes to register that you have had enough food. It’s easy to take in 3,000 calories in 5-10 minutes when you wolf down your food. Make mealtime a relaxing, fun, happy time.

Bias that is inappropriately managed can quickly turn into prejudice, racism, and bigotry, to name just a few—all of which can become deeply ingrained in the brain. They can impact all interactions, running in the background much like apps can run in the background on a mobile phone.

Unless small children have learned to dislike other children based on gender or race or skin color, they tend to play quite well together and don’t seem to particularly register “differences.” However, children observe their parents and other adults and can pick up prejudice, bigotry, and racism quite quickly—along with bullying behaviors and violence. There may also be some impact from biological ancestors transmitted through cellular memory (Epigenetics). This can include prejudice related not just to race, gender, or skin color, but also to politics, education, religion, and you name it.

Fortunately, as human beings have the opportunity to become acquainted with others who are different from them, they can “learn” to avoid blanket prejudice based on externals alone. After all, the brain is the same color and blood looks red regardless of gender or skin color.

Generally, yes. Here are several suggestions for you to consider:

• Learn about brain lead, extroversion/introversion, and sensory preference. This can enable you to help him be successful in the tasks that match his innate giftedness and can give you ideas for gently providing him with learning experiences that can build whole-brained competencies.
• Make an effort to converse with him to help build his vocabulary.
• Read stories to him; listen to him read aloud to you.
• Limit his TV watching to less than one hour a day.
• Provide him with music lessons. Studies have shown that children who study music have increased spatial-temporal reasoning ability.
• Spend time playing with him. Play is the work of children.
• Introduce him to individuals who are different from you to expand his horizons.
• Take field trips, travel, research a topic, plant a small garden, etc.
• Encourage him to explore; the brain thrives on variety and new experiences.
• Admit your own mistakes and help him to accept his, understanding that there’s a big difference between making a mistake and being a mistake.
• Be generous in your praise of his efforts and his accomplishments. 

Middle children can exhibit some exceptional giftedness as well as some woundedness. I have found Kevin Leman’s books helpful (e.g., The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are; My Middle Child, There’s No One Like You). Another book you might enjoy is The Secret Power of Middle Children: How Middleborns Can Harness Their Unexpected and Remarkable Abilities, by Catherine Salmon Ph.D. and Katrin Schumann.

Stanley Milgram’s obedience experiments in 1963 is one of the most famous of studies. His well-known experiments—the stuff of legend as one person described them—were designed to test obedience to authority. He crafted his obedience experiments in an effort to identify how far human beings will actually go when an authority figure orders them to hurt another human being. In his original experiments Milgram reported that 63% of the participants continued to administer all the shocks demanded of them even with the other individual (an actor) “screamed in agony.” Interestingly enough, one study found that Australian women were much less obedient.

Fast forward to 2015 when a group of Polish scientists decided to repeat Milgram’s experiments. Dr Tomasz Grzyb, a study author, reported that the results are just as surprising in this century as they were in the last. Eighty (80) people participated in the study. Researchers found that ninety (90) percent of participants went all the way to the maximum level of electrocution after being ‘ordered’ to do so by the experimenter. Grzyb said that half a century after Milgram’s original research into obedience to authority, a striking majority of subjects are still willing to electrocute a helpless individual. He also reported that upon learning about Milgram’s original experiments, a vast majority of people claimed, “I would never behave in such a manner.” Nevertheless, this repeat study has illustrated again the tremendous power of a situation in which the participants are confronted with obedience demands and how easily they can agree to things which they find unpleasant.

Ask yourself, “What you would do if repeatedly ordered to give a strong electric shock to a helpless stranger?” What you think you might do and you actually might do may be two different things. So my take? Obedience can be life-saving. Blind obedience can trigger behaviors that may kill you and / or others.

If you are interested in reading some research comments, here are URLs:

https://www.spring.org.uk/2017/03/controversial-psych-study.php
http://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fh0040525

Where does it come from? If they’re speaking aloud, the words themselves are likely coming from Broca’s area in the Left Frontal Lobe. If they’re using short four-letter-type emotional words, those may be coming from the Right Posterior, the more affective division of the brain. Their intent, however, may be driven from the emotional limbic system, the subconscious second brain layer, or even from the stress-reaction forms loaded in the brain stem.

It does not appear from your question that your daughter is triggering this behavior by her words or actions. Negative behaviors such as those you described typically have more to do with the person who is exhibiting them than with the person who is the recipient. Epithets may be the result of poor self-esteem levels, a sense of fear and inadequacy, learned prejudice, misplaced anger, trying to discharge pent-up negative emotional energy, and so on. That does not excuse the behavior, but it may help for her to realize that the behaviors are coming from their brains—not hers.

Help your daughter understand that being rude and saying mean things to others is a learned behavior. These students must come from an environment where they have heard some rather ugly things said, and they are simply living out what they have experienced. Likely she will never know what is going on in their worlds. Whenever possible, suggest your daughter avoid these individuals. Certainly, help her role-play how to refrain from overreacting or replying in kind. When this occurs in my life (as it does in the life of most everyone), I try to minimize my contact with the person. If I know it is highly likely that individual will cross paths with me again, I look for some way to validate the person in the hope this will help them to feel better about him/herself. For example, if a student makes a comment in class that is at all insightful or interesting, she might say at the break: “I thought that was an interesting question. You articulate very well, and it gave me a new perspective.” And move on. There’s no need to engage the person in conversation. And if she consistently receives a rude response, try to minimize contact with them.

When your daughter does have the choice, encourage her to surround herself with friends and family who say kind, helpful, and affirming things to each other. Gradually I let people out of my life who continually say unkind things, constantly complain and whine, or find fault and are outright rude. When these types of people are in her extended family, she may come into contact with them periodically at family functions, but help her to minimize that contact even then. Remember, just because she is related to a person does not make rude behaviors okay. She can forgive their ugliness without making what they do all right and without choosing to place herself in harm’s way.

The bottom line is that none of us is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Genuine friends, however, make it clear in their words and actions that you matter to them (and those individuals generally matter to you, too). What goes out usually comes back in some form. That’s a law of the universe. I’m glad that she is choosing to send out the type of energy that she wants to come back to her.

Last, but not least, there are many good educational opportunities available in this country. If you perceive your daughter is being bullied and harassed in this school, I encourage you to evaluate other learning environments that might be a healthier option for her. Life is short at best and spending years in a punishing and dysfunctional environment is not my idea of a good choice.

I have a name for this: Hover-Craft Parenting. I do not recommend it. It does not prepare children to deal effectively with problems they encounter in life now and will encounter in adulthood. In fact, I heard a counselor say the other day that males who had had a cushioned childhood have far more difficulty dealing with life in adulthood as compared to males who were not over-protected.

It sounds as if your children have trained you:  to pick up after them, nag them about their chores and homework, fix food for them at all hours of the day (and sometimes night), step in and take over for them in any stressful situation, and do a myriad of other things for them that they need to do for themselves. I doubt you have developed this pattern in an attempt to handicap them in life—but that is generally the result. Is this because you feel emotionally uncomfortable when your child is uncomfortable?

I realize you are a single parent. There are millions of them all over this planet. You cannot make up for their father being absent by becoming a Hover-Craft Parent. When you continually “fix” things for your children you are, in effect, robbing them of a growth opportunity. In order for children to learn how to do hard things, they must be allowed to experience hard times. In order for children to learn that for every action there will be an outcome, they must be allowed to experience the consequences of their actions and choices. There is no way to truly master something without doing it. .

Effective parenting involves:

• Setting a few appropriate and realistic rules and expectations (a few! – there are only 10 commandments, after all).

• Ensuring that the children understand the realistic rules and expectations, along with the consequences

• Holding children accountable, calmly and consistently (no arguing and fighting, no yelling and screaming or crying)

• Learning to handle your own emotions and feelings in order to avoid handicapping your children because your brain is uncomfortable or feels sorry for them

• Affirming the children as they achieve the realistic rules and expectations and doing something fun together periodically as a tangible reward for their mastery

• Functioning as a role model and a coach (your children will be more likely to do what they see you do rather than what they hear you “say”)

My brain’s opinion is that if you really want to prepare your children for a successful adulthood, you’ll starting teaching them now how to handle situations themselves, how to follow through and complete an assignment or expectation, to feel good about themselves as they hone these skills. An effective parent is a role model and a coach.

I have a name for this: Hover-Craft Parenting. I do not recommend it. It does not prepare children to deal effectively with problems they encounter in life now and will encounter in adulthood. In fact, I heard a counselor say the other day that males who had had a cushioned childhood have far more difficulty dealing with life in adulthood as compared to males who were not over-protected.

It sounds as if your children have trained you:  to pick up after them, nag them about their chores and homework, fix food for them at all hours of the day (and sometimes night), step in and take over for them in any stressful situation, and do a myriad of other things for them that they need to do for themselves. I doubt you have developed this pattern in an attempt to handicap them in life—but that is generally the result. Is this because you feel emotionally uncomfortable when your child is uncomfortable?

I realize you are a single parent. There are millions of them all over this planet. You cannot make up for their father being absent by becoming a Hover-Craft Parent. When you continually “fix” things for your children you are, in effect, robbing them of a growth opportunity. In order for children to learn how to do hard things, they must be allowed to experience hard times. In order for children to learn that for every action there will be an outcome, they must be allowed to experience the consequences of their actions and choices. There is no way to truly master something without doing it.

Effective parenting involves:

• Setting a few appropriate and realistic rules and expectations (a few! – there are only 10 commandments, after all).

• Ensuring that the children understand the realistic rules and expectations, along with the consequences

• Holding children accountable, calmly and consistently (no arguing and fighting, no yelling and screaming or crying)

• Learning to handle your own emotions and feelings in order to avoid handicapping your children because your brain is uncomfortable or feels sorry for them

• Affirming the children as they achieve the realistic rules and expectations and doing something fun together periodically as a tangible reward for their mastery

• Functioning as a role model and a coach (your children will be more likely to do what they see you do rather than what they hear you “say”)

My brain’s opinion is that if you really want to prepare your children for a successful adulthood, you’ll starting teaching them now how to handle situations themselves, how to follow through and complete an assignment or expectation, to feel good about themselves as they hone these skills. An effective parent is a role model and a coach.

Based on the results of a study published in the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine, teenagers who spend more time reading books (than listening to contemporary music) seem to experience less depression than those who spend their time listening to contemporary music rather than reading. (I don’t know what that says about contemporary music—although some of the lyrics I’ve heard lately are pretty sad.) Researchers found that the teenagers who spent the most time listening to music were 8.3 times more likely to have a major depressive disorder than those who spent the least amount of time listening to contemporary music. This is a case of which came first: the chicken or the egg? Is the item under discussion causative or just correlative? It may be that a teenager who already feels depressed may zone out listening to contemporary music as compared with a teenager who is not feeling depressed and enjoys reading, hard copy or electronic. Nevertheless, it might be a wise choice to take your child to his or her physician for an evaluation.

It would take a mind-reader to figure out his brain and no one is. One guess is that he somehow thinks that if the kids accept you, it is redemption for him. If they have “forgiven” him, everything is now hunky dory. This may be a form of “using you” to make himself feel better, and you will need to decide if you want to be “used” in that manner. Another guess is that he’s trying to boost his self-worth by getting his kids to accept his choices and behaviors. Again, their approval would condone his behaviors. Usually a dead end. Kids believe what they believe even if they are civil to you when you are with them. If he dropped dead tomorrow, they would likely not hesitate a moment in taking you to court to try to get whatever they think he brought into the marriage that now belongs to them (or half your assets if you put his name on your house, or car, or bank accounts, etc.) Unfortunately, it happens more often than one would like to believe…. I suggest you discuss this with your financial advisor and with a trusted counselor and seriously consider the advice you receive.

The condition now known as Selective Mutism is a complex childhood anxiety disorder. It’s not that the child chooses not to speak; they are literally unable to speak in specific environments, unable to communicate effectively in social settings. In school, for instance. Estimates are that one in every 140 children (more girls than boys) may develop this condition. If left untreated, this condition may persist into adulthood. The child with Selective Mutism needs verbal reassurance, love, support, and patience. (Some require more extensive therapy and treatment.) There are several references on the internet if you want more information. One is the Selective Mutism Center. Dot. Org. What Is Selective Mutism?

And yes, my brain’s opinion is that everything begins in the brain and that includes anxiety, which is part of the core emotion of fear.

“Why” questions are very difficult, if not impossible, to answer. There is really no way for a specific brain to be objectively accurate when trying to answer “why.” It may provide some perceived reasons, but since the bulk of one’s thinking occurs at a subconscious level, this pretty well guarantees that the reason is never the reason.

Hanging-back behaviors may relate to self-esteem issues. Perhaps the child doesn’t feel “worth” a treat (e.g., has done something he/she thinks is bad or wrong even if others don’t know about it). Perhaps the child has been conditioned to take “others first” very literally, to wait until everyone else has received a treat and then see if anything is left.

Try talking with the child. In a calm, neutral voice, describe the behavior you have observed and ask the child to talk about it so you can better understand him/her. Try to make it equally easy for each child to accept a treat.

You might want to take inventory of your own level of self-worth. Remember, human beings tend to pass on what they know. Stated another way, you can only teach and role-model what you know.

What do you do now? You could step up to the plate and be wise parents, setting appropriate boundaries for your twins. This includes removing all TVs, computers, iPads, telephones, and other electronics from the bedroom. When they use electronics, they must do so in another room. Their bedroom is for sleeping. Period. Good grief, who is running the show at your house: the parents or two pre-teens?

The American Academy of Sleep Medicine advises that children aged six to twelve years of age need to obtain nine to twelve hours of sleep per night on a regular basis to provide optimal health. This means removing all TVs, mobile phones, iPads, electronic games or equipment from their bedroom(s), with a recommended non-use of all screen time an hour before bedtime. Average eleven-year-olds will find it difficult, it not impossible, to turn off electronics on their own. Electronics can be addicting. At age eleven, their brains need another nine or ten years before myelination of their corpus callosum—the largest of several bridges that connect the two brain hemispheres—is completed. Likely six to eight more years after that before their prefrontal cortex is developed enough for them to make healthy decisions on their own.

Because early adolescence is a crucial period for neurocognitive development, Dr. Wang and colleagues at the University of Maryland investigated how insufficient sleep affects the mental health, cognition, brain function, and brain structure in children ages 9-10 years old over a period of two years. Research showed that the brains of children who sleep less than nine hours per night had significant differences in specific brain areas compared with peers who slept nine or more hours per night. At the beginning of the study, brain imaging showed that children who sept less than nine hours per night had less grey matter or smaller volume in areas of the brain responsible for attention, memory, wellbeing, and inhibition controls. This finding persisted at the two-year-follow-up visit when participants were 11-12 years of age. Less than nine hours per night was also associated with an increased risk of depression, anxiety, and impulsive behaviors.

No wonder the American Academy of Pediatrics encourages parents to promote good sleep habits in their children. Their tips include making sufficient sleep a family priority, sticking with a regular sleep routine, encouraging physical activity during the day, limiting screen time, and eliminating screens completely an hour before bed. If your twins get up at 6:00 a.m., that means going to sleep at 9:00 p.m. In my brain’s opinion, the role of healthy parenting includes setting boundary limits that have been shown to enhance brain development during childhood, thus giving your twins a good start toward being successful and healthier throughout life. Adequate sleep is one of those boundaries.

Let me begin by asking you a question: “Do you want your child’s brain to reach its IQ potential or not?” Your question does remind me of the ongoing debate about the pros and cons of corporal punishment in raising children and adolescents. As I pointed out recently in my Brain Blog, researchers have found a link between spanking and IQ levels. Following are some of the study conclusions:

• Children who were spanked in childhood have lower IQs
• The more children were spanked, the slower the development of their mental ability and the lower their IQ level
• Countries in which spanking children was more common saw stronger links between corporal punishment and IQ
• The IQ of children 2–4 years old who were not spanked was 5 points higher when tested four years later than those who were spanked.
• Corporal punishment experienced into the teenage years may hamper brain development even more.

In general, children tend to find spanking highly stressful and it can fall into the category of “abusive behaviors.” The child learns that it is okay to whack human beings who are smaller than they are “because they can.” Spanking experience(s) can leave them with a number of deleterious outcomes:

• Post-traumatic stress disorder
• A tendency to startle easily
• An ongoing dread of bad things happening.

The benefits of reduced spanking appear to include:

• A reduction in juvenile delinquency
• Less adult violence and masochistic sexual activity
• An increased probability of completing higher education and earning a higher income
• Lower rates of depression and alcohol abuse

There are ways to discipline that avoid these potential outcome but they take careful thought and time to implement. Most parents would like their children to be as smart and successful as possible. Avoiding spanking and dealing with misbehavior in other more functional and effective ways can help make that more likely to happen. If you want smarter and more successful children, these strategies are worth it.

I was not put on this planet to give advice. Nor do I make suggestions unless asked to do so. I will make an observation or two based on research. There is a huge difference between a wise teacher and overbearing and overcontrolling parents, who tend to cause self-esteem issues in their children. Bottom line: If your goal is to lower the level of self-esteem in your children (albeit unwittingly) and set them up for relationship problems for the rest of their lives, continue on the path you have chosen.

Research of teenagers (age 13 and up) who perceive they received this type of parental control, predicted lower levels of psychosocial maturity and peer acceptance in mid-adolescence. It also was linked with potential undermining of autonomy so as to lead to less favorable outcomes well into adulthood. Typical parental behaviors that undermine a child’s sense of self-worth, include:

• Making the child feel bad for upsetting the parents, and/or perceived withdrawing of love when the parent is angry
• Unreasonable rules, harsh punishments, and a lack of empathy and caring behaviors.
• Discouraging teenagers from asserting themselves and becoming independent.

Parents need to be aware of how parental attempts to control teens may actually stunt their progress and create damage that may last a lifetime. Perceived traumatic events in childhood are very stressful for a child/teenager and can actually change the biology of the brain. The human brain is a relational brain. Prior to the pandemic I am guessing the kids were at school interacting with their friends. Social media can have a downside for sure if it is over used for long periods of time and if the user starts thinking everyone else has more than he or she does. Chatting with friends at home by cell phone, however, can help the relational brain to feel less alone. There are many entities that are working diligently to release products that children can watch while at home. One of my favorite is the BBC Planet Earth series. The photography is unbelievable! By all means block internet access for some things. However, there are many excellent presentations.

It can be extremely challenging to suddenly have one’s world turned upside down and shaken vigorously. It certainly upended all my travel and speaking appointments for 18 months. There is always a silver living, however, although sometimes one has to search for it. With time to prepare for filming, I just uploaded four sets of videos on my Brain Talk channel. (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCrGmPCpXP0pInonoGnUY3Cg). They are available free of charge. Your kids might actually enjoy watching the Birds & Brains series. Whatever you choose, I encourage you to make this pandemic time as fun and pleasant as possible. Do you want them to remember being at home with nostalgia and with happy “remember when” conversations or as one of the dreariest and deadliest periods of time in their young lives. Put yourself in their place: how happy and content would you be or is this the type of atmosphere in which you grew up and therefore figure if you survived, so could they? Humans tend to do to others as they have been done to—unless they make a different choice. You can make a different choice if you want to. Your choice will impact your family of the rest of your life—theirs, too.

 I was not put on this planet to give advice. Nor do I make suggestions unless asked to do so. I will make an observation or two based on research. There is a huge difference between a wise teacher and overbearing and overcontrolling parents, who tend to cause self-esteem issues in their children. Bottom line: If your goal is to lower the level of self-esteem in your children (albeit unwittingly) and set them up for relationship problems for the rest of their lives, continue on the path you have chosen.

Research of teenagers (age 13 and up) who perceive they received this type of parental control, predicted lower levels of psychosocial maturity and peer acceptance in mid-adolescence. It also was linked with potential undermining of autonomy so as to lead to less favorable outcomes well into adulthood. Typical parental behaviors that undermine a child’s sense of self-worth, include:

• Making the child feel bad for upsetting the parents, and/or perceived withdrawing of love when the parent is angry
• Unreasonable rules, harsh punishments, and a lack of empathy and caring behaviors.
• Discouraging teenagers from asserting themselves and becoming independent.

Parents need to be aware of how parental attempts to control teens may actually stunt their progress and create damage that may last a lifetime. Perceived traumatic events in childhood are very stressful for a child/teenager and can actually change the biology of the brain. The human brain is a relational brain. Prior to the pandemic I am guessing the kids were at school interacting with their friends. Social media can have a downside for sure if it is over used for long periods of time and if the user starts thinking everyone else has more than he or she does. Chatting with friends at home by cell phone, however, can help the relational brain to feel less alone. There are many entities that are working diligently to release products that children can watch while at home. One of my favorite is the BBC Planet Earth series. The photography is unbelievable! By all means block internet access for some things. However, there are many excellent presentations.

It can be extremely challenging to suddenly have one’s world turned upside down and shaken vigorously. It certainly upended all my travel and speaking appointments for 18 months. There is always a silver living, however, although sometimes one has to search for it. With time to prepare for filming, I just uploaded four sets of videos on my Brain Talk channel. (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCrGmPCpXP0pInonoGnUY3Cg). They are available free of charge. Your kids might actually enjoy watching the Birds & Brains series. Whatever you choose, I encourage you to make this pandemic time as fun and pleasant as possible. Do you want them to remember being at home with nostalgia and with happy “remember when” conversations or as one of the dreariest and deadliest periods of time in their young lives. Put yourself in their place: how happy and content would you be or is this the type of atmosphere in which you grew up and therefore figure if you survived, so could they? Humans tend to do to others as they have been done to—unless they make a different choice. You can make a different choice if you want to. Your choice will impact your family of the rest of your life—theirs, too.

What we say to our children in times of loss can be a tough call. Understanding something of how the news of a disaster or terrorist activity can burn itself into one’s consciousness, especially when the news is delivered in living color with sounds and emotions, gives me pause. Can anyone who witnessed the Challenger explosion, or the Oklahoma City bombing, or the terrorist attack on the NCY World Trade Center ever forget the horror? Can anyone who repeatedly watched those events replayed on television ever forget those images? I doubt it!

Because of that, I think there’s something to be said for limiting our exposure to television coverage in times of horrible disasters. We need to remain updated on current affairs but sometimes it’s less frightening to listen to the news over the radio or follow the headlines in the newspaper. How to obtain the necessary information with the least risk to our own brains is at once a gray area and a fine line. It’s a challenge to say the least! I limit my own viewing. What must it be like for children and young people whose brains aren’t even completely myelinated as yet? For whom the bun is still in the proverbial oven until perhaps their early twenties?

FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency, has a website that offers suggestions on how to help children feel more secure. And I use the term children, very inclusively. It can extend far beyond biological offspring and include children in the neighborhood, community, daycare centers, schools, churches, you name it. They’re the next generation on this planet.

Here are some things to consider in helping children deal with loss.

• Listen to them talk about how they’re feeling and listen without judgment. Ask them what they are feeling and allow them to take their time not only in responding but in figuring things out in their own minds. Children can sometimes express their feelings more easily by writing things down, drawing or taking pictures, or even creating things such as crafts.
   
• Role model using words that express emotions and feelings; words like afraid, sad, mad, or happy. Let them know that expressing emotion through words is desirable, and that expressing emotion through tears is okay, regardless of gender. Grieving is an individual matter. Some individuals tear up or cry easily, others don’t. Still others have been shamed for exhibiting that behavior (this is especially true for males in our society). Think of tears as an expression of deep emotion, a tender tribute to mourning. They are the natural reaction of many human beings: men, women, and children to internal stress. Studies show that tears help to remove unhealthy stress-related toxins from the body. So if tears happen, let them happen.
   
• Reassure the children that you expect to be here to take care of them. They need to hear these words over and over again. In times of loss it can be comforting for family members to stay together as much as possible. Remind the children, remind yourself, that most of the people in the community, country, and even in the world care about themselves AND others. Try to maintain familiar routines much as possible. The presence of familiar routines can help to promote a sense of security and stability.
   
• Provide opportunities for children to experience a sense of being in control over something. Disasters and acts of terrorism tend to increase a sense of being out of control because they weren’t prevented. To help balance that, consciously provide opportunities for children to experience control over some things. This may be a simple as asking them to choose what clothes they want to wear that day, or allowing them to select the foods for a specific meal. Encourage them to participate in doing something to improve the situation for others. That might be making a phone call, taking flowers to a neighbor, giving a donation to the relief effort, donating blood, or writing a letter to the newspaper or our congressional representative. Almost any caring act can help to restore some sense of choice and control. One act of human kindness can illuminate the blackness of the disaster even as the light from one tiny candle can pierce the darkest night.
   
• Give the children hope for the future. It may be helpful to write something on the calendar that they can look forward to for next week or next month or even next year. It is important to live iun the present and give them hope for the future. Even for adults, those proverbial carrots on the calendar can be vitally important.
   
• Include the children in grief recovery as appropriate. But include them and be real. Allow them to see frailty as well as strength, sadness as well as joy. To the extent that you are comfortable with your grief recovery, you’ll be able to role model the belief that you can get through this; that there is life on the other side of loss.

 I believe that putting a two-year old in a room alone because he or she said “no,” will likely just teach them that saying “no” means they lose the companionship and safety of being in a relationship with loving parents. Can you imagine the emotions and feelings generated by those consequences in a brain that thinks and feels but cannot express much of that verbally yet? The child is beginning to individuate, to recognize that he or she is a separate human being from its parents and caregivers. Individuation is a skill that is critical for successful childhood and eventually adulthood. Research suggests that babies can understand a great deal more at the age of two than they have the skills to communicate verbally. I agree that it can be frustrating when a child is learning to individuate and when you can’t figure out what he or she wants. No doubt you can imagine to at least some degree how dreadfully frustrating it can be to know what you want but be unable to communicate that. (A similar thing can happen with a stroke when the patient cannot communicate what he or she wants.) Therefore, do whatever you can to help your twins communicate.

Many now recommend teaching babies a couple dozen simple sign-language words, such as hot, cold, tired, thirsty, hungry, come, go, up, down, and so on. Meantime, as you are teaching them these skills, guess what they want and give them two choices (because the brain only has two hemispheres). Offer a glass of water and some healthier juice. If they say “no,” they may not be thirsty. Do you think they are hungry? Offer a piece of apple or an orange segment. Do they have a soggy diaper or some other uncomfortable condition? Watch their response. Remember that they’ve had more practice saying “no” than “yes.” Some researchers even think that it’s easier to say the word “no” than to say the word “yes.” Sometimes a child can be distracted with a toy or another activity—unless the child is really trying to communicate (unsuccessfully) what is wanted.

What is the point? Understanding what you do not want and being able to say “no” is critical to making choices in adulthood. Teenagers who cannot say “no” because they were never allowed to do this during childhood, are at risk for engaging in undesirable behaviors. And in term of safety, it can be lethal for a female who is so insecure she cannot say “no.” Some even believe that you cannot truly and cognitively say “yes” to something until you can say “no” to something. Some even go further and say that until you can say “no” to what you do not want, you may not even be able to identify what you do want.

Dealing with loss (actual or vicarious) isn’t easy for adults. It can be overwhelming for children! They may evidence this by going from being quiet to noisy (or vice versa), or from caring to aggressive, or even appear stoic. They may experience nightmares, may sleep-walk, become easily upset, become frantic when care providers are out of sight, or revert to more infantile behaviors (e.g., thumb sucking, bed wetting). To the extent that you are comfortable dealing with loss and moving through grief recovery, you will be able to role model an effective process for your children.

I have posted a Grief Recovery Outline on the website. It contains suggestions for helping children deal with loss and grief in addition to gender differences and the Grief Recovery Pyramid. If you don’t have internet access, you may write and ask me for this four-page article. I’ll be happy to send you a copy: P. O. Box 2554, Napa, CA 94558-0255, U.S.A.

First, discriminating right from wrong can be a somewhat nebulous concept. Every adult brain has its own opinion of what that really means. Up until about age four, the brain does not understand the difference between reality and pretending and lots of parents punish their kids for “lying” when they really don’t understand imagination. By age 4-5 the third layer is certainly developing and  the child is likely able to understand the difference between imagining and reality. Childhood is about helping the brain learn and practice skills that will likely really come into their own when the corpus callosum is myelinated about 20-21 and then when the prefrontal cortex is developed in late twenties. This is especially true related to issues of morality, conscience, and willpower.

Secondly, the brain does develop from back to front but I wouldn’t say the child is “operating” from the second layer per se unless the brain is fearful and has downshifted away from whatever they have going on in the third layer….

I quake at the very thought of someone trying to stifle the dreams of another. What makes those dreams impossible? There are female astronauts and heaven knows this world desperately needs pre-schools that incorporate brain-function information into both the schedule and the curricula. My brain’s opinion is that parents, teachers, and role models need to avoid ever telling a young person that something cannot be done. Every new invention began with a thought of what could be. Someone once said that the world has been waiting centuries for someone ignorant enough of the impossible to do that very thing. 

According to authors Barbara and Allan Pease in their book Why Men Don’t Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes, males have a long range tunnel vision style as compared with females who have a short range but wider peripheral vision. In everyday living this could impact the ease with which males and females locate items in refrigerators, cupboards, and drawers (where a wider peripheral style of vision may offer an advantage). Some have explained that this difference may be related to the fact that males used to be the “hunters” and females the “gatherers.” I wasn’t there back then so I can’t comment on that! I do know that my three step-sons typically asked me to “find” items in the refrigerator for them. My guess is that the distance between eyes and refrigerator shelving is a better match with female peripheral vision than with male tunnel vision. This also may mean that males are able to “see” signage on highways more easily than females or at least from a further distance. Does understanding this make the differences go away? Certainly not! But I laugh about it now and waste no energy in becoming irritated or upset. It also provides an opportunity to set up the environment in a way that works more efficiently for both males and females.

Questions such as yours can be fun because my brain typically enjoys using the internet to ferret out answers or possible explanations. Some sources indicate that the description of bent as a “mental inclination” is likely from the 1570s, while the description of bent as “directed in a course” is from the 1690s. It goes back much further than that, however.

The Amplified Bible translates Proverbs 22:6 from the Hebrew like this (italics are mine):

“Train up a child in the way he should go (and in keeping with his individual gift or bent) and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

The book of Proverbs is part of the Hebrew Old Testament. According to Wikipedia, the earliest copies of parts of the Hebrew Old Testament were discovered in 1947. Part of the famous Dead Sea Scrolls, they actually date back to the first century BC. This means that bent may be a very old word indeed. And in my brain’s opinion, every brain has a bent. That’s part of what makes each brain unique and interesting.