Brain Link. A sense of being supported and a belief that at least a few human beings on Planet Earth “have your back” are critical to a healthy brain. Human beings who have a good support system tend to be healthier and live longer than those who do not. You are the only brain that will be with you for your entire life. Therefore, your relationship with your brain is of paramount importance. Equally so, that small circle of genuine and trusted friends with whom you feel free to share joys, hopes, problems, or puzzlements as needed. They may be biological-family or family-of-choice. In one survey, the average female identified nine people with whom she could easily relate and call upon for help and support. The average male identified either one person or none. If one, he typically named his spouse or life partner. Going through a divorce is stressful—even though it can be lifesaving in the end. For the average female, their standard of living may fall rather dramatically. For the average male, divorce can be emotionally devastating as he loses his one main support person.
Sometimes you just need to talk about something; not to get sympathy or help, but just to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air. —Karen Salmansohn
John Donne was an English poet, scholar, soldier, and secretary who reluctantly became Dean of St. Paul’s Cathedral in London when ordered to do so by the King. During a period of time when he was seriously ill, Donne wrote Devotions upon Emergent Occasions, published in 1624. One of those meditations (#17), included these words: No man is an island, entire of itself. Every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. Later on, it would become the poem “No Man Is an Island.”
By yourself you are but one. Together we are a unit. —Rehan Khan
It would be interesting to know what happened during his illness that prompted John Donne to figure out that the human brain is a relational organ. It does not function particularly well in isolation. Indeed, nearly 400 years after he penned those words, there is a consensus that, whatever else the human brain is, it has three key descriptors: sexual, relational, and spiritual—the spirit with which you live your daily life.
The value of a social network is defined not only by who’s on it, but by who’s excluded. —Paul Saffo
A support network can be defined as a group of people who can provide emotional and practical encouragement and/or assistance when needed. Some people have one main support network; some have none. Others have several small support networks and access them at different times or for different reasons. The support network may include family and close relatives, close friends and neighbors, school colleagues, work associates, church affiliates, travel or hobby groups, club members, musical associates, a community choir, and volunteers who are helping the community.
Be the change you want to see in your networks. —James H. Fowler
Avoid becoming exhausted from involvement with more support networks than you really need. Support networks are reciprocal, and you can only reciprocate for a given amount of time. Even a seasoned juggler can only keep a specific number of balls in the air at one time. Select people who are smart, affirming, upbeat, reciprocal, and on a healthier lifestyle journey. Select the core members of your support network wisely and intentionally.
A true friendship is determined by how well our friends stand by and support us in our toughest and most distressful times and, conversely, how well we support them in their difficult situations. —Nozer Kanga
Reinforcing another’s efforts increases your likelihood of success. Be brave enough to let go of any who are abusive or who drag you down. Become the human being you would like to have as your best friend. In becoming that person, you will more naturally be attracted to and become attractive to others who are on a similar developmental quest. The people you hang out with matter!
Good friends make their presence known at times of strife and challenging times and are revealed for their true support when all others seem to vanish. It is one thing to say you are a true friend and quite another to actually step up to the plate when times get tough. —Catherine Pulsifer
View the Educational Video #10. If possible, stand and walk in place for at least a portion of the video to increase blood flow to your brain.
Encouragement makes us believe we can move forward, but it also gives us the power to help others move forward. ―Cathy Burnham Martin
A key strategy for health, wellness, and longevity involves having a support network—as no human being is completely successful on his or her own. No one brain knows everything or has developed all the necessary skills to be successful. Brains need other brains. A support network of a few select individuals who provide emotional and practical help to another in need is invaluable—although often unrecognized, undervalued, and sometimes even pooh-poohed. At times such a perspective may display itself as either making light of the concept or showing downright contempt.
It is important to build a strong network, both in your professional and personal life. —Oscar Aulig Ice
Building a strong network does not mean you need dozens of people in your network(s). Rather, select a few human beings who—although not perfect—care enough about you to “watch your back,” as the old saying goes. These are individuals with whom you can discuss important concepts that relate to you and your life, which lessen the strength of specific problems or concerns through problem-solving options or kill the power of the rhetoric simply by allowing the truth of things to “hit the air,” as Salmansohn put it.
The success or failure of your support network hinges on several factors:
Avoid waiting until you desperately need a social network to begin developing one. —Frank Sonnenberg
Studies have shown the importance of developing a support network of positive, encouraging individuals—especially when you undertake something new that is intended to improve your life. For example, continuing your education, a major move to another location, embracing a healthier lifestyle, getting and keeping your weight in an optimum range, starting a new career, being fired or laid off, stopping smoking (or any addictive behavior), needing to reinvent yourself and/or your small business after an economic downturn, going through a divorce, etc. A support network’s contribution can also include anything which might take you, at least temporarily, out of your comfort zone, i.e., being diagnosed with a chronic illness, cancer, or other life-threatening scenario.
We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth. —Virginia Satir
Large-scale studies have linked many positive brain-health related contributions from support networks. They include the following.
Studies have shown that male brains tend to prefer to process ideas and information silently and internally and may only be willing to talk about them after coming to a conclusion—–if they discuss it at all. This can work at times. However, it may be a bit shortsighted, especially if they have relatively little information about the problem or condition.
Female brains tend to process ideas and information effectively by simply starting to talk about it aloud with a close family member or friend. In that process, the female will often come to a conclusion that works for her—something that might not happen without “knowing what I think by hearing myself say it aloud,” as one woman put it.
Surround yourself with people who don’t just ask how you are doing. Surround yourself with people who make an effort to make sure they are part of the reason you are doing so well. ―Jennae Cecelia
Social networks are important for long-term success. Your brain needs a few supportive and trusted individuals in your life. The key word here is supportive. Individuals not on a similar journey rarely value what you are doing. Those who are not sufficiently actualized to support your health choices, especially when they make unhealthy decisions for themselves, can derail you.
You gradually become the average of the five people you hang out with the most—yourself being one of the five. —Jim Rohn
Within three years, you are at high risk for picking up the habits of those with whom you associate most—especially in the areas of happiness, smoking, health, and obesity. To be successful, select your close friends with care. Be brave enough to disconnect from those who are negative, abusive, or drag you down. It matters to your health and potential longevity. Ask yourself, “Is that what I want to be like?”
Two main categories of people are needed in your circle; those who give you the necessary support to accomplish your dreams and those who become beneficiaries of what you achieve. To become a better you, remember to be grateful to people who have contributed to making you who you are today. —Israelmore Ayivor
As water seeks its own level, so do brains and behaviors. Aim higher and you will likely get farther. Environment is important. Make your environment work for you and what you want to accomplish in life. If water is now your beverage of choice, stop buying sodas. If you have replaced gambling (or other addictive behaviors including pornography) with healthier behaviors, avoid places where you are at high risk of running into the old behaviors. If you no longer drink alcohol, stay out of bars. If you have stopped being promiscuous, stay out of sex clubs. You get the idea.
Be careful the environment you choose for it will shape you; be careful the friends you choose for you will become like them. —W. Clement Stone
This is not rocket science! Remove everything from your home, office, and vehicle that you no longer choose to eat or drink—or sniff, snort, smoke, or vape. It is often preferable to invite people to your own home where you have more control over the environment. If you do go to their place, make careful food and beverage selections and be alert to portion sizes. Offer to bring veggies, hummus, and baked crackers to add to the spread. As you role-model being an individual who looks good, feels better, and thinks more clearly, others may also choose to get on board.
True support always brings you back to your own sense of agency and confidence, not your need to rely on something or someone outside of you. A person who offers you support with integrity does so in a way that makes space for your fear, insecurities, and doubts, whether rational or not—but does not enable them. —Jay Fields
Be clear about what a support network means to you. If you believe it is designed to provide you with unpaid volunteers who will pick up tasks that you do not want to do (albeit ones you should be doing for yourself), you will likely attract people who are codependent and/or who are trying to earn your gratitude by taking care of you. This will do little, if anything, to help you grow and mature. Your support network will likely become tired and disillusioned and eventually disintegrate.
Everyone talks about being there for each other when things go wrong. Yet, on average things are going right. This means if you are not there for each other when things are right, it is hard to be there for each other when things go wrong. —Richie Norton
Something similar has been observed when grandparents, for example, agree to care for new grandbabies or small children free of charge, rather that agreeing to do so for a reduced fee, e.g., $2-3 per hour. The children’s parents begin to take the help for granted and gradually expect more and more. The grandparents do not feel validated. Rather they feel obligated to keep doing more and more. This results in their not having time to enjoy their own retirement, which can lead to relational discord and regrets down the road.
Most things are valued differently by those who have them and by those who wish to get them: what belongs to us, and what we give away, always seems very precious to us. — Aristotle
A fascinating observation is that humans often only value what they pay for. For some, the more they pay, the more they value “it”—whether that matches the intrinsic value of the something or not. This concept has been studied and debated for years. Some think it is because the idea of another person giving away some for free must mean that it has extraordinarily little value if not worthless. That is actually a JOT behavior: jumping to conclusions. Some people give things away because it gives them pleasure. Others because they enjoyed the object or thing for a period of time, but like change. Still others because they believe what they have to give away is valuable information that can improve another’s life.
The relationships you genuinely care about are the ones that will form the strongest network you can build. When you can’t yet give back directly for help you’ve received, pay it forward. —Michelle Tillis Lederman
Be truly clear about your motivation for choosing the individuals you want in your support network. Make sure they are people you know and trust: relatives, friends, co- workers, neighbors, etc. Identify each person as being there for either a specific Reason, a specific Season, or for a Lifetime. Following are some examples of each of those three categories.
A Reason. You are finishing your formal education and need help with your dissertation. You are beginning a new career and need a mentor to get you started. You just took a new job with a steep learning curve and need some tips or guidance.
A Season. You were just transferred to an area of the country that is completely unfamiliar. You are doing a stint overseas and need guidance in learning the culture and perhaps some assistance with learning a foreign language. You have just had triplets and are feeling initially overwhelmed, at least for the first few weeks or months.
A Lifetime. Your brains clicked and recognized that both of you are on the same longevity journey. The support and encouragement are reciprocal. You feel energized after you have spent some time together—in person, by phone, by face time, or by Zoom. It might morph into a romantic relationship or remain as close platonic friends or colleagues.
Interestingly, sometimes individuals themselves know which is which and tend to disconnect when they perceive the reason or season has been accomplished and is at an end. Although you may be a bit sad initially, learn to let them go gently and kindly, expressing your appreciation for how they helped you, even if you yourself may not yet have come to a similar conclusion. There are few events more painful or dysfunctional than trying to hang onto a relationship when the other individual has already disconnected and moved on emotionally. Hanging on tightly does both of you a huge disservice.
Everybody isn’t your friend. Just because they hang around you and laugh with you doesn’t mean they’re for you. Just because they say they got your back doesn’t mean they won’t stab you in it. People pretend well. Jealousy sometimes doesn’t live far. So, know your circle. At the end of the day real situations expose fake people so pay attention. —Trent Shelton
Be equally clear about your motivation in joining someone else’s support network:
Be realistic and avoid feeling obligated just because the person is someone you know and perhaps is a friend. If a personal support network you’re asked to join is not a good fit or you sense some concerns, politely back away. Remember that you already have potential reciprocal duties with the members of your own support network. That may be all you can handle and keep your life in balance.
In life you can never do everything or have everything, no matter how much you might like to do so. It is critically important to be able to say, “No.” Children who grow up not being allowed to say “No,” tend to have boundaries that are either too tight or too loose. Too tight—and they may be closed off and miss opportunities for learning and for offering mutual support. Too loose—and they may quickly become overwhelmed doing for others what they should be doing for themselves. “Takers” and “codependent persons” can thrive finding those with loose or nonexistent boundaries.
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. —Oprah Winfrey
People will naturally come in and out of your life. If the conversation doesn’t flow easily or something feels off, it is definitely okay not to pursue the relationship. If someone leaves you feeling drained or bad about yourself, it is okay to let that relationship fade away. Releasing negativity from your life opens space to let the new and good flow in.
You have nothing to prove. —Ralph Waldo Emerson
Following are some potential traps to be aware of and avoid.
Above all remember that it is easy to over-care for someone else who has missed out on care or has been abused in a way that is similar to your past experience. You are familiar with what that felt like, and you would like to fix it for someone. That rarely works well in the long term. Helping people help themselves within your time constraints is likely a heathier choice. So is volunteering with others as a group effort.
You don’t have to wait for someone to treat you badly repeatedly. All it takes is once, and if they get away with it that once, if they know they can treat you like that, then it sets the pattern for the future. —Jane Green
Listen to Chapter #12 of Just the Facts audiobook. If possible, walk around the room while you listen or do some walking in place.
Much of the vitality in a friendship lies in the honoring of differences, not simply in the enjoyment of similarities. —James L. Fredericks
It is important to use current options for information and advocacy and avoid expecting a support network to handle everything for you. For example, it can be frightening to discover that a family member, friend, or even yourself has developed a relatively rare condition. Some may need assistance with learning about the disease or condition itself, the latest research, available treatment options, and the long-term outcomes of each.
Some may be searching for financial aid resources. Others may need help in getting connected with those who are experiencing a similar condition and who, therefore, can assist them in understanding how the disease or condition may impact daily living, with helpful tips or strategies found to work better than others.
Your doctor or healthcare practitioner, hospital, clinic, specific nonprofit organizations, or the NIH can often point you in the right direction to obtain the information and services you need. Sometimes there may be an in-person option near you. Other times you may be able to connect online via social media. There may be opportunities to meet in person at yearly conferences, summer camps, or in local meetings. Some nonprofit advocacy groups maintain a registry of rare diseases to help disseminate information and advance research for a specific medical condition.
The National Institutes of Health (NIH) is the largest biomedical research agency in the world. NIH has recognized the benefits to patients and families of a centralized information hub, especially in the case of less common or less well-known diseases. NIH does provide a resource. Search for information on rare diseases at nih.gov
Do careful research when you are considering joining an organizational network or group. Mayo Clinic suggests being aware of potential red flags, such as:
1) High fees to attend in person or online.
2) Assurances of a cure.
3) Inducements or pressure to purchase products or services from a group.
If an organizational network or group you try is not a good fit, try a different one or another format. Talk with your doctor about counseling or other types of therapy. Be persistent as likely something is available that may be just what you need.
I suspect that the most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention. And especially if it’s given from the heart. When people are talking, there is no need to do anything but receive them. Just take them in. Listen to what they are saying. Care about it. Most of the time caring about it is even more important than understanding it. —Rachel Naomi Remen
Every person on Planet Earth is growing older. Avoid thinking that you have plenty of time and thus fail to be prudent in preparation. Think ahead and do everything you can to ensure your support network has the information and tools they need to help you should the need arise. The Independence Center has defined a personal support network as a group of people who come together to help keep one another safe in an emergency. They can work with you to plan for a disaster and help you prepare emergency kits for your home or vehicle. Carry them with you depending on your level of health and mobility.
Here are examples:
1) Aim for at least a couple of individuals for each location where you spend the majority of your time. That may mean two small networks: one for home and one for work, etc.
2) Provide copies of your Emergency Information, Medical Information, and Disability-Related supply lists to members of your support network.
3) Make sure your support network knows about special equipment of any type that you need and how to operate and move it safely.
4) Revise your plan with your support network at least every six months, or as your situation changes.
5) Be sure to let your support network know when you plan to travel.
You do not need followers, you need supporters. Followers wait for you to make it happen. Supporters see to it that you make it happen. ―Niedria Dionne Kenny
View the short Birds ‘n Brains #10 video. If possible, stand and walk in place for at least part of the video. Is it time for another drink of water?
Be clear that your support network is not designed to provide you with needed mental or emotional treatment or therapy. If you have a partner, the partner ideally is part of your support network. However, they should avoid attempting to provide necessary treatment or therapy. Many a relationship has bitten the dust after months of exhaustion as one partner tried to function as a personal support, caregiver, or therapist for a partner or child, often expected to be at their beck and call.
Support Groups and Group therapy can often provide needed help. Individuals may choose one or the other. Sometimes it can be beneficial to attend both a Support Group and Group Therapy depending on the person’s needs, as each is designed to help with specific and differing issues.
1) Support Groups are designed to help individuals with similar experiences meet together, often weekly, to express and work through similar experiences. A mental health professional, clinician, or experienced peer may facilitate them. The main goal or purpose is to gain support from others who are going through a similar ordeal or who are in a similar situation, and to sense a shared experience.
Support Groups do not deliver treatment per se. They can, however, enhance treatment and help individuals feel less alone. They can decrease the stigma associated with mental health or other issues that a person may have.
There is no requirement to attend regularly. Support Groups can also be a very affordable option, either low cost or even free. Typically, there is time to share individual experiences and engage with other group members safely and respectfully.
Support Groups are ongoing, usually with a specific focus on a theme. It might grief recovery, handling divorce, managing anger, dealing with overweight or obesity, or struggling with any number of family issues. This could include sharing challenges with PTSD, ADHD, Autism Spectrum, and others. The Support Group might help deal with a narcissistic or abusive partner or with a specific type of addictive behavior that a family member has unwittingly enabled.
Talking to somebody just helped me out a lot. As a man, you get a lot of slack for that. I don’t really subscribe to that. Everyone needs to unpack and talk. —Michael Jordan
2) Group Therapy is a specific type of mental health treatment and can be helpful for many different types of mental health conditions. It brings together individuals who have similar mental-health concerns.
Typically, Group Therapy is conducted under the guidance of a licensed mental health care provider. It may be process oriented, in which case the facilitator leads a guided discussion of experiences common to the attendees. It may be skills-based. The facilitator structures the format in a way that is consistent with a specific treatment protocol for a presenting problem that the members all experience and work on together.
There may be a scheduled weekly meeting, often in the evening to accommodate as many people with day jobs as possible. It is important to make it a priority to attend regularly as usually there is a cost to participate. Fortunately, insurance often cover the costs, which is less expensive than individual or family therapy.
Group therapy is a powerful way of reminding us of our interconnectedness. What is more, it uses connection as a healing ingredient and an integral part of the therapeutic process. —Anna K. Schaffner, PhD
Both Support Groups and Group Therapy offer help. However, the goal of Support Groups is to help members cope with their life and health situations more effectively. The goal of Group Therapy is to help members heal from their mental health issue, problem, or concern. What you choose will depend on what you are looking for.
1) Do you want to share experiences and gain support and encouragement?
2) Do you want treatment that provides skill-based information targeted at a specific type of mental health concern?
A benefit from either one is that your partner, spouse, friend, co-worker, other family member, or a support network member are not expected to provide you with care and treatment that they are not designed to offer. It can fracture a relationship and you likely will not receive the information, skill development, and/or treatment that you need.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable. —Simon Sinek
If we don’t say yes authentically, we say yes resentfully, and that leads to far more problems than if we’d said no in the first place. — Natalie Lue
1. If you were not allowed to say “No” growing up, you may have difficulty saying it in adulthood. It is a critical skill that is needed in adulthood. Learn how to say “No,” mean it, and follow through on that decision. Some individuals gravitate toward those they perceive as succeeding. They hope to gain success or be viewed as special and important simply by aligning themselves with someone they view as being well known or important. They like to brag that they “had lunch with so-and- so,” or “just chatted with so-and-so.” This is where it is critical to be able to try to decipher motivation and know your boundaries.
Go slowly, as people usually end up telling you about themselves and what they want, even when they do not realize they are doing so. Being able to say “No” can save you from some extremely uncomfortable or even potentially dangerous situations.
When someone shows you who they are, listen and believe what they say about themselves the first time. They know themselves much better than you do. —Maya Angelou
2. As you learn and grow, understand that others change as well—sometimes in positive ways that align with a longevity lifestyle and sometimes not. You may find that some relationships may no longer be desirable. Not every connection is healthful and nurturing. Be wise enough to identify unhealthier types of relationships and disconnect.
There is a concept known as healthy selfishness. It reminds you to fill your own cup first. Or, as they say on the airlines, “In the event of an unexpected landing, put on your own mask first and then help others with theirs.” If your cup is not full, you will have nothing of value to give away and, instead, will try to give from a well of unmet needs or become primarily a taker. Either way, it is rarely if ever effective or satisfying to either the giver or the receiver.
Be around people who will help you grow. ―Joyce Rachelle
3. Regularly review the four or five individuals with whom you spend the most time. Identify how you are positively impacting each other. If you identify negativity or realize that you are being taken advantage of, you may need to disconnect from any those who are negative, abusive, or drag you down. That is the antithesis of a healthy and helpful support network. Since life is much shorter than most people realize, avoid squandering it with those who are primarily takers, complainers, manipulators, controllers, criticizers, abusers, or malignant narcissists.
When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us. —Alexander Graham Bell
4. Regularly take stock of your support network. Is everyone learning, benefiting, and growing wiser together? People do change. Sometimes for the better; sometimes for the worse. Life is short. Avoid spending a big chunk of your time with individuals who are unkind, critical, or abusive in some way. Let them go gently and realize it is in best interest for brain, mind, body, and spirit.
Letting go means coming to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny. Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness. The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward. —Steve Maraboli
If no, consider building one. Begin with just 2-3 individuals. They may be biological family members, “family of choice,” or close friends. Know that just because someone is “family” or has been a close “friend” does not necessarily mean they automatically get to be part of your support network, although you certainly can still have a relationship with them. Identify those who have already shown that they are supportive and reciprocal. Nurture those relationships and strengthen the bond by choosing to spend more time with them. As challenges arise, you may want to add another individual or so who have experience in areas that are new to you, and so on. Remember: the past is the best predictor of the future.
If yes, identify what you are contributing and what you are getting in return. A support network needs to be reciprocal. You give and you receive. If that is not happening, something may be out of balance with the individuals in the support network. If it seems you are being taken advantage of, you may need to reevaluate your participation. There is no shame in recognizing that something is not working well and course correcting. It can be an extremely healthy step to take.
Be clear in your own mind the type and number of support networks you choose to become involved with and the specific reasons for doing so. Avoid overextending yourself. Keep your life in balance so that you have the time and energy to live a longevity lifestyle.
Start small. Branch out as you have the time, energy, and desire because you know that doing so will help you learn and grow. Avoid hanging onto whatever does not work or is unhealthy.
Remember, there are those who desire or expect a support network to “take care of them,” doing what they could and should be doing for themselves. Support networks are not designed to provide unpaid volunteer work for one person’s benefit. They need to be reciprocal, the members helping each other practically and emotionally in times of difficulty—offering what the individual in crisis is unable to do or even see clearly for themselves.
Disconnect from support networks that are providing you with negative outcomes. Let go from those who continue to abuse you in any way. One of the healthiest and sometimes the happiest moments in life can occur when you find the courage to let go of what is not working for you and what you cannot change.
Concentrate on Module #10 during this entire week or longer, if needed. Reread the sections; relisten to the audiobook excepts and review the videos. It takes the average adult four times through to really absorb the material and turn it into a lifestyle of healthier choices and behavior.
It matters not how slowly you need to go as long as you steadily keep going. —Confucius
It is becoming clear how each component helps to reinforce the whole. No component ”is an island.” Each is part of a health and wellness lifestyle. Develop a support network of happy, positive people who challenge each other to be their best. The energy created will uplift and energize you.
I’m okay with the idea that slow and steady wins the race. —Drew Barrymore
