If you would like to submit a question or make a comment, please email Dr. Taylor at thebrain@arlenetaylor.org.
That would give one pause for thought. Dr. Goleman wrote in his book, Emotional Intelligence, Children who have been abused tend to treat others as they were treated. Their exhibited callousness is just a more extreme version of that seen in children whose parents were harsh in punishment, critical, and threatening.
Human beings do tend to do as they have been done to—or 180 degrees differently. Just because they choose to behavior differently doesn’t necessarily make their choices functional and desirable. After all, 180 degrees from dysfunctional is still dysfunctional.
I certainly do have some comments. Several, in fact!
Someone once said that holding onto anger against another person is like holding onto a burning coal that you plan to throw—eventually. You’re the one who ends up getting burned, however. Use the energy that the emotion of anger generates to take constructive action to prevent placing yourself in a similar situation in the future, to heal from the injustice, and to set appropriate boundaries. Fuming burns up that energy in a rather unhelpful and futile fashion. It is your choice how much energy you want to devote to this issue.
Are you familiar with the work of Gabor Maté, MD? In his book When the Body Says NO–Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection, the authormakes an excellent case for the connection between one’s health and the developmental experiences that have shaped not only one’s health, but also behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, and relationships. The body is a fount of innate wisdom. According to Dr. Maté, individuals typically do not become ill despite their lives but rather because of their lives. Much disease could be healed and much prevented if people understood the existing scientific evidence verifying the mind-body connection.
In saying that repression is a major cause of stress and a significant contributor to illness, however, there is no agenda of any type to blame, shame, or point fingers. The goal is to identify a relationship between stress and disease as a physiological reality. It can be literally lifesaving to use the information one uncovers to promote learning and healing. Wording on the back cover says it well:
Modern research is confirming the age-old wisdom that emotions are inseparable from our health and physiology. Repressed emotions bring on stress that can lead to disease. His took provides transformative insights into how disease can be the body’s way of saying no to what the mind cannot or will not acknowledge and how we can heal. He presents an open formula for healing and the prevention of illness from hidden stress.
You might want to check out his work. Much as a child complains of a stomach ache because he or she is experiencing stressful conditions at school, a flare-up of disease can push adults into avoiding stressful interactions. It can be the body’s way of saying “no.” You also might benefit by doing some family-of-origin work in your own life. Access the Family-of-origin Work mini-monograph on my website if you need help getting started.
This is not a game (in spite of the name). It is a highly dangerous and potentially life-threatening activity used to alter one’s state of consciousness. It has been practiced worldwide for generations and has been passed down in playgrounds, summer camps, neighborhoods, and probably via online chat-rooms these days. In almost any group of adults, one can find someone who played this game in some form or another during childhood. It is known by a plethora of other labels including Choking Game, Fainting Game, Dream Game, Pass-out Game, Flat liner, Suffocation Roulette, California Choke, Space Cowboy, Space Monkey, and Purple Dragon to name just a few.
The goal is to achieve a euphoric state by stopping the flow of oxygen-containing blood to the brain. Individuals who engage in this type of activity are typically juvenile males, but juvenile females and adults of both genders have also been involved. The activity has been responsible for hundreds of juvenile deaths, and likely for many others that were listed as “suicides” although no suicide note was left. Even if they survive, people are probably killing brain cells each time they engage in this activity. The damage is also likely to be permanent and cumulative. Neurological disabilities (among survivors) are typically in the juvenile male cohort.
Sometimes children choke each other until the person being choked passes out. The pressure on the arteries is then released and blood flow to the brain resumes causing a “rush” as consciousness returns. There are variations of this activity which involve hyper-ventilating until the participant loses consciousness. The variation in blood pressure may also cause strokes, seizures, and retinal damage.
Sadly enough, most victims are not children in trouble. Rather they tend to be well-liked, active, intelligent, stable youngsters who wanted nothing to do with drugs or alcohol. This was an activity they felt was safe. In addition, they don’t realize that a child choking another child who is injured or who dies, could be indicted and prosecuted for his/her part in the injury or death—not a pretty picture.
It is never safe. This activity is dangerous enough in groups. The danger becomes even greater when a ligature is used and the activity is performed alone. If the individual loses consciousness and there is no one there to immediately release the pressure, he is unable to help himself. Most of the children who have died from this were alone.
Children have no clue about the physiological principles involved and need to be told by the adults in their lives how dangerous this is. Also, most children have no concept of their own mortality. They truly believe nothing can hurt them. Children may not fully understand the outcomes from playing this deadly game, but as they do it more they may become addicted to the rush/experience. As they grow older they continue to do this and it can progress into something even more dangerous. Unfortunately, it is not only children whose brains have been damaged or destroyed by this activity but also adults. Some have used it in an attempt to increase sensations associated with sexual activity (e.g., in combination with masturbation).
The attractions of the activity are myriad. It may be done as a dare, it can induce a brief sense of euphoria, it is reported to enhance erotic feelings, it may be amusing to some to watch others losing consciousness or behaving erratically, the prospect of an altered state of consciousness may be attractive, and participants may appear “cool” because it may be viewed as risky. It is also free, legal, and can appear innocuous to those who don’t understand the mechanism involved.
Warning signs may include:
The only antidote I know of is to talk about this activity and its consequences openly and with everyone—children (starting in elementary grades), parents, and teachers. Young people need to be told by the trusted adults in their lives how dangerous this really is. That information needs to be part of curricula addressing other risky behaviors (e.g., alcohol, street drugs).
You can find additional information at the following website. http://www.deadlygameschildrenplay.com
I doubt there’s anything wrong with your brain. I regret he doesn’t seem to believe you are important enough to reserve his sexual activity for you alone. I wonder what his other conquests would think if they knew they were just for letting off steam?
Nevertheless, this represents a loss for you on several levels:
Grief and sadness are what happen with loss. The fastest way I know of to get a handle on this is to work through the process using the Grief Recovery Pyramid. It is available on my website, articles section. Originally it was designed for survivors of a loved one who died, but it can also work with the death of a relationship as well as with other losses. I suggest you work through that process and then get outside of your head and so something to help someone in your community. Serve at a soup kitchen, volunteer for an hour or two at a local hospital, read to shut-ins who can no longer do this on their own. Almost anything done with gratitude can help to give you a different perspective.
Along with that, I encourage you to evaluate your level of Emotional Intelligence (EQ). It may be helpful to raise yours. Generally people partner with those who are at a similar level of EQ. The higher your level of EQ, all things being equal, you are more likely to be attracted by and be attractive to individuals whose EQ is comparably high. Starting a relationship with someone whose EQ is relatively high can make a big difference in how much energy the relationship requires to keep it afloat and how much conflict you may need to deal with.
When your grief is prolonged for weeks or months, this may indicate that your brain may have had unrealistic expectations (e.g., he will be faithful to me even though he wasn’t to his last partner) and then feels really beat up when your expectations are not realized. The best predictor of the future is the past… unfortunately. That doesn’t mean brains can’t change, it’s just people aren’t always willing to put in the work that is needed to achieve change. Even positive change.
You decide how long you want to agonize over something you didn’t create and can’t fix. Forgive yourself for making an unfortunate choice that turned out badly. Learn what you need to learn, and move on. Congratulate yourself for caring enough about your own future to face some loss now and to take some pain now rather than face a great deal more if you had married him. Oh, and forgive him for exhibiting behaviors that don’t work for you.
Unfortunately, the concept of forgiveness may be one of the most misunderstood on this planet. I’ve written a couple of articles you may want to read: Can You Afford to be Unforgiving? and Counterfeit Forgiveness—a Lethal Counterfeit. They can be found on my website in the Taylor’s articles section.
As with almost everything in life, for every genuine article, some type of counterfeit exists. That’s true with forgiveness as well. Genuine forgiveness involves giving careful thought to identifying what happened to you, the consequences in your life, and what needs to be forgiven for your health and wellbeing. It means only taking responsibility for your contribution to the situation (if any) and then following through on both parts of forgiveness. Current studies have indicated that forgiveness is a gift yourself because your brain and body may not be able to afford unforgiveness.
Counterfeit forgiveness, on the other hand, tends to sweep whatever happened under the proverbial rug, sometimes even pretending that either it didn’t happen at all or wasn’t really that harmful or impactful on one’s life. To quote from my article: In the familiar fairy tale “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” a false perception existed, to the humor of all. However, like the foolish crowd who cheered for the naked Emperor, a person who practices counterfeit forgiveness pretends that the Emperor actually iswearing clothes.
I describe counterfeit forgiveness as casually or quickly saying “I forgive” WITHOUT carefully identifying the abuse you received, discovering the resulting (usually negative and often dire) consequences, assuming responsibility for everything, and failing to deliberately craft an abuse-free lifestyle. Unfortunately, this type of pseudo-forgiveness can result in serious physical symptoms. Even when an individual has repressed conscious memories of dysfunctional parenting and/or an abusive environment, the body knows. The very cells in your body remember what has happened to it and “your body never lies.” Those unfortunate and unhealthy memories will be acted out in some way or other in your body, which is part of your subconscious mind, and often are expressed in dysfunctional behaviors, as well. And if your body develops serious illness or disease, including autoimmune diseases, the result may be a shortened lifespan.
Remember, genuine forgiveness does NOT mean:
What you are describing is dangerous behavior. The examples you gave are way beyond a child pushing boundaries. They are intimidating behavior. They are way past defiance. They show lack of respect for both of you with no concern about consequences. They are above simply being angry about a parent’s death. They are showing a pattern of escalating abusive behavior against a parent and grandparent.
If unchecked, such behaviors can escalate into severe injury if not death for you or your daughter. There is also a risk that this type of behavior could generalize to the boy’s future relationships with a teacher, girlfriend, spouse, his own children, or others. You are not doing him, yourself, or anyone else a favor by allowing him to engage in this behavior without meaningful consequences.
No mother or grandmother wants to believe their child wants to be abusive. Your emotions can even make you question if things are really as bad as you think they might be. If you have not already done so, you might ask a physician to examine him carefully. Perhaps he has a brain tumor or some other physical condition that is underlying these behaviors.
As one child social worker put it, “Aggressive and abusive behavior is not a part of typical childhood or adolescence. It’s not a stage that your teen will “grow out of” if you ignore it. If you’re dealing with parental abuse in your home, your child is violating the rights of others. It doesn’t matter that it’s his parent’s rights; that doesn’t make it any less serious or illegal… The truth is, there can be several underlying factors contributing to parental abuse including poor boundaries, substance abuse (by either a parent or child), poor coping skills, underlying psychological conditions (such as ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Conduct Disorder) and learned behavior. Some kids behave violently due to poor coping skills. Others are more deliberate and enjoy the power that comes from intimidating a parent… Parental abuse is a form of domestic violence.”
My brain’s opinion is that this type of behavior is a serious issue and needs immediate intervention. Here are a couple of resources that might be helpful as you review options (copy full URL and paste into your browser):
Parental Abuse: What to Do When Your Child or Teen Hits You
How to Talk to the Police When Your Child is Physically Abusive
I’m sure their behaviors can be a puzzle to you, especially if you yourself are not a survivor of date rape. (I avoid using the word “victim” as that perpetuates the perception that the person is relative helpless in terms of recovery. I use the word “survivor” to describe a person’s ability to choose to go on with life regardless of having experienced date rape.)
The behaviors each survivor exhibits result from a constellation of factors that include their level of Extraversion-Ambiversion-Introversion, Sensory Preference, Brain Lead, cellular memory, position in their sibling lineup, quality of parenting, availability of appropriate and effective counseling, and so on (to name just a few).
All types of abuse probably have their greatest impact on the person’s brain. For example, in any type of abuse there comes a moment of realization when the brain realizes that it cannot stop what is happening, that there is nothing it can do to protect itself. That moment tends to bring with it an awareness or sense of helplessness and hopelessness that will forever change its perception of life and living.
Post event, different brains react differently. For some, there is a constant fear of not being able to take care of itself in the future and of some similar event occurring, which can be seen in “afraid of your own shadow” behaviors, as you described it. For another, the anger can be so great that the behaviors become overly assertive as in “determined to get you before you get” me as I will try to protect myself.
There isn’t a healthy “just get over it” position. There is a healthy process of grief recovery and healing woundedness; forgiving oneself for not being able to protect oneself; learning new strategies of going forward and getting on with life; and practice for exhibiting appropriate behaviors in balance. Until you have walked in their shoes (and my wish is that you never experience date rape or any other type of serious physical, emotional, or sexual abuse), you may want to be careful about how judgmental you are in terms of what “they should do.”
That is a tall order because I have no idea what is going on with your neighbors or exactly what your husband meant. I can make a few general comments. The phenomenon of dissociation can be described as a process that alters a person’s thoughts, feelings, or actions so that, for a time, specific types of information are not associated or integrated with other information as is normally the case. This process, which manifests along a continuum of severity, produces a range of clinical and behavioral phenomena involving alterations in memory and personal or self-identity.
Dissociation is sometimes seen in children (and later on into adulthood) who have experienced abuse. No doubt you already know that mandated reporting of child abuse in the United States began in the 1960s. Since then, the number of reports to children’s protective services (CPS) and law enforcement agencies has steadily increased. Because most abuse cases occur during the preschool years, children may be particularly vulnerable to dissociation during those years.
In 1991, the National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System indicated that 24% of 838,232 reports were for physical abuse and that 7% of children who were abused were younger than 1 year, 27% were younger than 4 years, and 28% were aged 4-8 years. Early age at onset was also correlated with a higher degree of dissociation. Exposure to family violence is estimated to impact a significant minority of children (physical abuse ranges from 4% to 16%).
In 1999, a study was published in the American Journal of Psychiatry entitledMemories of childhood abuse: dissociation, amnesia, and corroboration. Two of the study conclusions were:
Childhood abuse, particularly chronic abuse beginning at early ages, is related to the development of high levels of dissociative symptoms including amnesia for abuse memories.
This study strongly suggests that psychotherapy usually is not associated with memory recovery and that independent corroboration of recovered memories of abuse is often present.
The results of a study by Eamon McCrory of University College London and his team were published in December 2011 in Current Biology. The study involved the use of functional magnetic resonance imaging, or fMRI, to measure blood flows in the brains of 43 children (exposed to violence at home) as they looked at pictures of sad or angry faces. The brains of children raised in violent families resembled the brains of soldiers exposed to combat. The children’s brains appear primed to perceive threat and anticipate pain, adaptations that may be helpful in abusive environments but that produce long-term problems with stress and anxiety.
In terms of ritual abuse, incidents have reportedly occurred for generations, although there are skeptics. If you really want more information, you might refer to the book entitled Ritual Abuse and Mind Control: The Manipulation of Attachment Needs. According to the authors, the younger the child is in age at the time of involvement with forms of ritual abuse, the more likely the child’s brain is to be impacted in major ways. Dissociation is certainly one of those ways.
Recently someone sent me a copy of Bishop Glenn L. Pace’s description of the correlation between child ritual abuse and dissociation. It is as good as any. Ritualistic child abuse is the most hideous of all child abuse. The basic objective is premeditated to systematically and methodically torture and terrorize children until they are forced to dissociate. The torture is not a consequence of the loss of temper, but the execution of well-planned, well-thought out rituals often performed by close relatives. The only escape for the children is to dissociate. They will develop a new personality to enable them to endure various forms of abuse. When the episode is over, the core personality is again in control and the individual is not conscious of what happened. Dissociation also serves the purposes of the occult because the children have no day-to-day memory of the atrocities. They may go through adolescence and early adulthood with no active memory of what is taking place. They may even continue in rituals through their teens and early twenties, unaware (consciously) of their involvement.
That’s the age-old question from many people, especially females. They tend to “see the potential” in others and think that they can be the catalyst to help them reach that potential. Listen up: you can only change yourself. You cannot change others. People have to want to grow, develop healthier habits, exhibit kind and gracious behaviors, and reach their potential. If several years have gone by and you are not “being treated very well,” take a look at your expectations of this individual; decide if that’s the way you want to be treated for the rest of your relationship with this person.
One of my favorite quotes is by Maya Angelou. She wrote: “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. People know themselves much better than you do. That is why it is important to stop expecting them to be something other than who they are.” I agree that it may feel like you are “giving up.” However, expecting someone to change their behavior can be stressful—to both parties—especially when the other person does not want to change. Expectations of this nature are not “love.” It is thinking you know what is best for them and how they should behave.
Jane Goodall said that the only possible way to get people to change is to get into their heart…the problem is that they have to be willing to let you in and they may not love you enough to do that or be too afraid or simply unwilling. So, concentrate on changing yourself…and that may mean accepting that this individual is not a good fit for your life and for the way in which you would like to be treated…
I’m sure your brain is under a great deal of stress and I regret that life with this man isn’t turning out as you hoped. The concerns you posed are complicated and are best discussed with a good attorney. My brain’s perception is that marriage is a business. Hopefully, it is based on healthy reciprocal love and equal commitment to the partnership. It is, nevertheless, a business, and financials should follow good business practice. Each State has its own laws and you need to research the financial ramifications before you marry or remarry. Many males remarry and never add the wife’s name to the house deed. Some never even leave her anything in their will, wanting to retain assets to leave to his children, believing that supporting his wife during marriage was sufficient. That’s one reason I always recommend a clear and thoughtful prenuptial for any marriage, but especially for a remarriage. It is not being selfish. It is being prudent.
Your husband may be trying to boost his level of self-esteem by appearing to be the great and benevolent father to his kids. To do this, of course, he must use your money and assets since he is not working and brought no financial assets to the marriage. A skilled counselor may be able to help him take a look at the emotional ties with his daughter. Ties that can actually prevent her from developing a close emotional relationship with her own husband and might even be a factor in their eventual break up. Few men could meet the unrealistic “knight in shining armor” perception that a girl can develop about her father.
My guess is that Alice Miller was attempting to address the way in which some have interpreted the admonition to “honor your parents,” even when those parents have been or are being currently abusive (mentally, emotionally, sexually, physically, spiritually, financially, or you name it). As I recall, Miller’s conclusion was that individuals abused in childhood can attempt to “honor” their parents only by recourse to repression and emotional detachment (because you cannot build up a relaxed and trusting relationship with parents you still fear consciously or unconsciously). At times, this same admonition has been used as a way to control one’s children and/or to sweep bad behaviors under the carpet. In adulthood some children believe thathonoring their parents means continuing to accept abuse when seeing their parents and/or speaking with them electronically. The result? The children allow their brains and bodies (leased for use while on this planet) to be battered in any number of unhealthy and dysfunctional ways.
In a perfect world, healthy functional parents would take great pains to protect their children and avoid abusing them in any manner whatsoever. This is not a perfect world. Honoring abusive parents may simply involve acknowledging the position they hold in your generational inheritance and refraining from exhibiting ugly or abusive behaviors toward them—while at the same time reducing or limiting time spent with them and sometimes stopping all contact with them if they are continuing to exhibit abusive behaviors.
I wish I had a definitive answer. I know that a person’s behaviors usually catch up to them in some way or another. Your question reminded me of a favorite quote:
“Life will let you get away with something for a while, but sooner or later, you will pay the price. Everything you do in life causes the effects that you experience. When you get the bill, be prepared to pay.” ―Iyanla Vanzant
Every action (behavior) has a reaction (consequence), which may be either positive or negative. Every consequence also has an outcome, positive or negative. The consequence may be sudden as in death from an overdose or a serious vehicle accident, especially if the driver was under the influence of alcohol or other drugs, or in hunting accidents, falls, or homicides. Sometimes the consequence is the development of impairment or disease that shortens what could have been a much longer, healthier, and productive life. Sometimes there is nothing you could have done to prevent the disaster. At other times, you likely contributed based on your choices.
I certainly do have some comments. Several, in fact!
Here are several characteristics that may give you some heads-up awareness:
Trust your intuition and trust your senses. Set and implement appropriate personal boundaries. Realize that manipulators typically have an agenda (conscious or not). When manipulators are successful, they tend to use the same technique on you over and over. This will likely continue until you recognize what they are doing and implement bona fide boundaries. (Incidentally, Bona Fide Boundaries is one of the mini-monographs in the process of development.)
What can you do? Change the way you think, of course, because feelings always follow thoughts. You can only have a feeling if a thought preceded it. Therefore, to change the way you feel you must change the way you think.
You can also do some reframing. If that is a new term for you, think about literally putting a picture or a painting in a new frame. The new frame can absolutely alter the way you perceive the picture. In a similar way, I suggest you reframe your comment about ‘giving up.’ Instead, look at the situation as your brain deciding to select the best possible course for you and your daughter with what you know at this time. To me, giving up would be staying in a relationship and environment that isn’t working well, and continuing to role-model for your daughter the type of dysfunctional relationship you likely hope she never has. My brain’s opinion is that it is never okay to remain in an abusive environment. It take courage to leave, however. Some give up, believing it is easier in some ways than stepping out in faith to craft a better lifestyle. In the long run, however, remaining can be lethal for your brain and body. Talk to your brain affirmingly: “You are making a safe and healthy decision. It is your job to protect your brain and body and that of your daughter. Yes, it’s difficult, and thank you for helping me do it.”
I wish I had a brilliant answer for you. From what I know of history, change rarely starts from the top. Like so many changes in the past, a calm deliberate, grass-roots movement has seemed to be the most effective and long-lasting. (Finally allowing women to vote, for example.) What I can do—as an immigrant from generations of abject poverty to “The land of the free”—is to make sure that in any relationships I have or in any dealings where I have a voice, to push for genuine equality. For example, I try never to purchase from companies or organizations that I understand allow inequality In a country like America, voting for candidates who truly believe in and will pass legislation related to equality is likely the only way things will change on a national level.
Make no mistake, this is stressful for everyone: for those who have a history of disenfranchisement and for those who had nothing to do with that nor did their ancestors. This cannot be a one-size fits all because one size never fits all. Plus, in my brain’s opinion, simply handing out money may assuage someone’s conscience, but it does nothing to guarantee that the next generation will grow up and mature in an environment of equality.
Let me begin by asking you a question: “Do you want your child’s brain to reach its IQ potential or not?” Your question does remind me of the ongoing debate about the pros and cons of corporal punishment in raising children and adolescents. As I pointed out recently in my Brain Blog, researchers have found a link between spanking and IQ levels. Following are some of the study conclusions:
In general, children tend to find spanking highly stressful and it can fall into the category of “abusive behaviors.” The child learns that it is okay to whack human beings who are smaller than they are “because they can.” Spanking experience(s) can leave them with a number of deleterious outcomes:
The benefits of reduced spanking appear to include:
There are ways to discipline that avoid these potential outcome but they take careful thought and time to implement. Most parents would like their children to be as smart and successful as possible. Avoiding spanking and dealing with misbehavior in other more functional and effective ways can help make that more likely to happen. If you want smarter and more successful children, these strategies are worth it.
Dr. Dean Edell reported a study that investigated just such a possible correlation. The researchers found that participants who watched violent video clips showed a significant decrease in an ability to recall product names from commercials.
One conclusion: the emotions generated by watching the violence interfered with memory recall. The potential implications of this study go far beyond advertising and reach into school as well as personal and professional situations.
CTE stands for Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy. Many people have had concerns for years about the potential for repetitive brain injuries connected with many differing types of sports. Mohammad Ali’s reported cumulative brain damage following years in the boxing ring is just one example. Many people are becoming aware of the connection between NFL players and football-related brain damage. A pilot study at UCLA using brain scans and former NFL players has shown signs of a crippling disease in living players. Now known as Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy or CTE, it is a neurodegenerative disease linked to memory loss, depression, and dementia. ESPN reporters Mark Fainaru-Wada and Steve Fainaru wrote a book about football and brain injuries. And FRONTLINE produced a documentary based on their research, League of Denial. CTI, which researchers say is triggered by repeated head trauma, can be confirmed only by examining the brain after death. Not too long ago, CTE was reportedly identified in the brain of former Chargers linebacker Junior Seau, who committed suicide by shooting himself in the chest.
I can give you my observation. Some individuals appear to have turned their abuse-trauma into their identity. They do not want to “forgive” because somehow in their mind this equates with saying the abuse-trauma did not occur. Nothing could be further from the truth in my opinion. You forgive for your own mental and physical health. Period. More than once I heard, “You owe me.” When I asked what for, the answer was “Because I was trafficked by people who looked like you. And if you have to pay for what was done to me that will make me feel better.” None of us chooses our basic looks. All individuals who are healthy can learn to heal.
In my decades of working with abuse, addiction, and recovery, in order to heal and move on, individuals must give up their victim identity. A victim mindset burns up norepinephrine (mood and stress), stops emotional growth, and blocks recovery; it often involves a sense of helplessness and hopelessness but also of being special because you have been injured. Anyone can embrace a victim mindset; not everyone chooses to transform from a victim to a survivor mindset.
According to Catherine Ponder, when you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel; forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free. Forgiveness has everything to do with relieving oneself of the burden of being a victim, letting go of the pain, and transforming oneself from victim to survivor. Developing a survivor mindset is a badge of honor, which can enable you to:
Research by world renowned cardiologist. Herbert Benson, MD, has led to the discovery he has labelled “The Physiology of Forgiveness®.” He is clear that being unable to forgive other people’s faults (or your own) is harmful to one’s health. So, without recovery and developing a survivor mindset, an individual retains the enemy outpost within their mind—something that takes energy resources, making it unavailable for positive living. Emotionally it is actually a way of continuing the abuse-trauma from which you were rescued. Some get stuck in the Five R’s: recall, ruminate, rehearse, resent, and ‘reheat for dinner,’ failing to realize that resentment and unforgiveness are like taking poison and expecting it to kill the other person.
Make no mistake. Moving from victim to survivor takes great strength and courage. Forgiving? Maybe even more. As Mohandas K. Gandhi put it: “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.”
It is quite common for survivors to go through a period of questioning. Sometimes they feel unworthy to be alive when others died. This is sometimes referred to a survivor’s guilt. It’s almost the reverse of why me? It’s more like why not me?
The lady across the street from me was involved in a head-on collision. The incident was caused by an alcohol-impaired driver and the lady’s 8-year old son was killed in the accident. She herself walked away from the crash. It has been a huge struggle for her to come to terms with being alive while her son is dead. She kept repeating, “Children aren’t suppose to die before their parents.” That may be ideal and it is generally true. In her case, it wasn’t.
In a similar vein, I remember talking with friends some time ago when their 15-year-old son had just died. The experience was wrenching for everyone. When someone asked the couple, “Aren’t you angry that this happened to you?” I’ll always remember the father’s response. He said:
The way I look at it is that planet earth is something of a war zone. In a war some people walk away from the battle unscathed, some get wounded and recover, and some die. My son died. And then this couple put their considerable energy into helping other families cope with similar situations of devastation.
It may be years before survivors come to any sense of why they were spared, if ever. For some it’s one of those unsolvable mysteries. That’s why counselors say that it’s often more difficult for those who survive. I know that I’m always very grateful when I am spared misfortune and loss. When I see others grappling with this, it tends to reawaken in my mind and heart not only gratitude that I was spared, but a renewed determination to live every moment to its fullest and to leave this planet a better place than I found it.
