Q. A man we know suddenly decided he was “in love” with another woman. There were, of course, all kinds of excuses for this including that his wife wasn’t giving him enough attention. He and his wife are friends of ours and while we have decided not to take sides, I’m wondering how this happens?

A. How does this happen? Good question. It tends to happen when one brain begins to feel sorry for itself or neglected or has not been working on bonding or perhaps remembers the excitement experienced early on in the relationship. A perception of being “in love” begins in the brain and involves hormonal surges and the sexual energy that is generated. The individual is likely to say, “We have chemistry” and the person would be correct. That’s what it is: just brain neurochemistry, pure and simple.

I tell people: your brain works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth—until you fall in romantic love. Then your brain gets hijacked by phenylethylamine or PEA, which is released by “first attraction” or “romantic love,” and you turn into a PEA Brain. Sexual attraction or the perception of falling in love is fueled by a chemical tsunami involving at least three very powerful neurochemicals:

  • Phenylethylamine or PEA:  PEA is a naturally occurring neurotransmitter that resembles an amphetamine (stimulant) and that is responsible for the elation and head-over-heels sensations associated with falling in love. It also triggers the release of two other powerful substances—norepinephrine and dopamine. It is easy to become addicted to PEA, however, and move to another relationship as soon as PEA begins to fall—seeking for that passionate PEA brain stage—which typically lasts 18-48 months. (Individuals who feel marginalized may be more susceptible to PEA.) There may be some small neurochemical tsunamis after that but rarely like it “used to be.”
  • Norepinephrine or Noradrenaline:  PEA triggers the release of norepinephrine, both a hormone and a neurotransmitter that impact every cell in the brain and body. Its effects are felt in the form of sweaty palms and a pounding heart. It works with the autonomic nervous system, which acts largely subconsciously, and regulates sexual arousal. 
  • Dopamine:  Dopamine is also a hormone and a neurotransmitter. This powerful substance—involved in all addictive behaviors—is released when you anticipate something pleasurable (50% of all the dopamine in your body is in your Gastrointestinal Tract). Triggered by PEA, adrenalin, and sexual activity, dopamine helps you feel better. Even thinking about something you perceive might be pleasurable can trigger the release of dopamine.

Be very clear that becoming romantically and/or sexually attracted to another person (especially if you are already married), is not “love.” It does involve a thought—a thought triggered by neurochemistry. The individual need not follow through on the thought or engage in behaviors triggered by the chemical tsunami. The person’s behavioral decisions will follow the thoughts that he or she ponders and harbors. I am not saying that divorce is never warranted; I am saying that there are generational consequences and ramifications to consider. (This is especially of concern if children are involved.) Depending on the individual’s moral and ethical beliefs, there can be years of remorse that negatively impact the new relationship…. If your friends decide to stay together, he will need to completely break off all communication of any type with the other women—and he must choose to fall in love all over again with his wife. They did it once, they can do it again. The couple, however, must work on building the relationship with a variety of activities to keep things fresh and new. When they do that, bonding is assisted by three other chemicals. More on that another time.