As I got out of bed the other day, it was apparent that something was very different. I felt my usual body weigh as heavier somehow. Upon obsessing on the obvious change, the explanation became clear. There was too much gravity!
I know that physicists among you will instantly raise your collective eyebrows, if nothing else than to prove them to be unaffected, believing that gravitational force is a constant. However, I too am trained in science and thus I must lay claim to the first report of this phenomenon.
Walking away from the bed was met with sluggish resistance, a force pulling each footstep more firmly to the carpet and slowing my journey to the commode and the coffee pot so that I believed I would never arrive. My robe was an unaccustomed weight and even my hair felt heavy (more on that later). Eyelids sagged under this force, a fact verified by a glance in the mirror.
Further reflective review in the mirror also showed the truth of the effects of this change as a paunch had appeared overnight. The hair on my head had been pulled down to my chest and even earlobes were longer. How could this be? Was this a temporary aberration? I sincerely hoped so. I began to worry about potential physiologic anatomic dysfunctions confined to the males of our species. I know that what goes up must come down but I feared that I might become grounded and never be able to rise to the occasion.
I thought that only I might be experiencing increased gravity, so I checked out my findings with my wife as only a good scientist would do. Se seems unaware of these profound observations and made light of my new theory. I was reminded of the plight of Galileo and the derision that he had to bear (e.g., the earth moves around the sun.) Then, I noticed certain wifely changes that only the females of our species exhibit. It was probably wise at that point for me not to inform her.
I dropped the soap in the shower under the increased influence of this pernicious force and toothpaste exited prematurely on a downward descent. Later, while doing paperwork, even my thoughts felt heavy. (This may not be solid evidence as I usually only have serious weighty thoughts anyway!)
At the office, having “supposedly” forgotten earlier to pull up my zipper, I concluded when a female patient said "XYZ" (examine your zipper), that gravity had snuck up on me so as to embarrass me. Now I fear that gravity is a conscious force, waiting for a change to attack and humiliate. I’m certain that my patient disregarded my sage advice on her health issues that morning. She seemed eager to get to her next appointment and it was probably a good choice to not insist that she stay for her exam.
The world began to move in slow motion. Otherwise neatly stacked charts began to lean precariously. I couldn’t seem to pick up those charts to speed them to completion. Even the computer went “down” and kept crashing as gravity had slowed the electrical current, too. When the computer worked, data didn’t pop up as quickly and information slid down off the screen. “Impossible” you say? Well, see how fast your e-mail works then. Case closed.
The food eaten for lunch felt heavy inside, which of course has nothing to do with hospital cafeteria cuisine, and some of it was pulled off my fork and onto the zipper area. I told you gravity has a mean streak. Beware! It’s working overtime now.
The elevator rising from the cafeteria seemed to sag, stretching its cables as it made its interminable way upward. I would have mentioned this as further proof of my observations but I was the only one inside the straining contraption at the time. Fellow scientists are all around me, but there’s never one available when you need one!
Making rounds after surviving the thirty-minute ride up the elevator added additional clues. Blood pressures were low, the mercury now being heavier, and final gastrointestinal functions of patients were influenced, with their ultimate contents being more frequently pulled out to their watery graves.
Time was slowed on my watch so that when I returned to the office by tripping down the stairs (obvious to any trained scientist), I found that I was late for appointments. I know this sounds paranoid but gravity had a selective effect and was mostly targeting only my wristwatch. Given the previous observations on its conscious force, I’m not at all surprised.
Objects that I held were not merely dropped, they were pulled to the floor. Even some of my patients were dropping things. They should know it’s really not polite to tell me what some other doctor correctly concluded, so I must assume that name dropping is another manifestation of increased gravity. I know there must be some connection to be eventually worked out later since I was even dropped from a six-year job responsibility by those persons trying to hold onto me. I’m certainly glad it’s not time to re-apply to the medical staff as my hospital admitting privileges have been temporarily dropped due to chart completion problems.
It’s not my fault that starting projects has been slowed and terminal procrastination has evolved. Gravity has pulled motivation to the psychological basement. It’s no wonder I can’t get started. There are all types of unfinished projects lying around in subterranean storage due to this situation. Now I finally know why!
So, since I’ve proven to all you readers that gravity has increased, my next step is to postulate as to the reason for this phenomenon, as any good scientist would do.
We have all recently been exposed to the technology of war with the invasion of Iraq, and have been pulled down into the morass of repeated history (another effect of gravity?). I think the government has a way of using new technology to influence gravity, with pro-gravity waves. The utility of this should be obvious to anyone who can see that the Iraqi forces never got off the ground and were bogged down in their respective foxholes.
I’m convinced that military pro-gravity waves are passing through this area where I live and work on their way to wherever they are needed and the influence is being felt here, too. I am fortunate to be such an astute observer, but am ethically obligated to put forward these findings even though the details are not yet fully elucidated. Be warned!
As the rain today is being pulled out of the sky (further proof) and we are falling into puddles, please think of all these things written with levity and rise up to find the antidote for increased gravity.
Respectfully, with true scientific endeavor...
© Thomas E. Stiles, MD
Internal Medicine specialist with an interest in endocrinology and in behavioral health medicine (including learning difficulties and the brain).