Relationships and the Brain

There is a typical sequence of responses in a child separated from mother: protest, despair, detachment. After about age three, the child can finally understand that mother can be alive in another place and will return. (Viorst, Judith. Necessary Losses. p 24-26. NY: Simon & Schuster, 1986.)

People who genuinely love themselves in a healthy manner are not abusers. They don’t abuse themselves or others. (Hay, Louise L. You Can Heal Your Life. CP 15. CA: Hay House, Inc., 1984.)

Once programmed into the subconscious, verbal abuses (e.g., stupid child) become defined as “truths” that unconsciously shape both the behavior and potential of the child throughout life. (Lipton, Bruce, PhD. The Biology of Belief. p 160-164. CA: Mountain of Love / Elite Books, 2005.)

Describes author and psychologist Sheldon Kopp, in End of Innocence. Hegrew up the day he accepted not only that his mother didn’t love him but that it wasn’t personal—she would have had difficulty loving any child. (Benziger, I. Katherine PhD. Thriving in Mind. p 195. TX: KBA Publishing, 2000.)

In order to achieve anything, you must first decide it is possible—that you are capable of it. (Dodd, Ray. The Power of Belief. p 88. VA: Hampton Roads Pub. Co. Inc., 2003.)

When you want to learn to do a specific something, starting acting as if you know how to do it. (Robbins, Anthony. Unlimited Power. p 152-158. NY: Fireside, 1986.)

The benefits of being real and authentic include: you feel alive, you are happier and more naturally loving, you feel free, and are a causer in life rather than a person being caused. Pursuing an integrated, authentic self is not the same as being narcissistically preoccupied (e.g., desperately seeking affirmation from others, and outward focus concerned with what others think). Narcissism is not the result of authenticity or self-determination, it is their antithesis. (Shaevitz, Marjorie Hansen. The Confident Woman. p 62-64. NY: Harmony Books, 1999.)

People who are self-actualized typically exhibit a set of functional characteristics. Lists 15 characteristics. (Schaeffer, Brenda. Is It Love Or Is It Addiction? p 20-21. CA: Harper & Row, 1987.)

The need for survival requires adaptation. The more you are lost or buried or hurting (in a relationship), the less you may be able to see or ask for help, because you will have had to accept more in order to survive. (Goldberg, Herb, PhD. The New Male-Female Relationship. p 88-89. NY: Signet Books, 1983.)

Many addictions are related to low self-esteem. (Greenwood-Robinson, Maggie, PhD. 20/20 Thinking. p 104-105. NY: Avery, Putnam Special Markets, 2003.)

Low levels of self-esteem can result in anxiety, despair, isolation, and fear of rejection. Many quirks of addictive thinking are simply psychological defenses against these painful feelings. (Twerski, Abraham, MD. Addictive Thinking. p 14-18. CA: Harper & Row, 1990.)

To help adolescents alter their view of themselves, first change the adolescents’ behavior, encouraging them to act in competent, adult-like ways. Their sense of self often falls in line with the behaviors they exhibit. (Wilson, Timothy D.Discovering the Adaptive Unconscious. p 214-215. England: The Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 2002.)

Study of genetic disease screens: about 10% of children tested are not the genetic offspring of their supposed fathers. (Fisher, Helen, PhD. The First Sex. p 266-267. NY: Random House, 1999.)

Refer to Affirmation and the Brain for additional information.

By the age of five most people are attempting to go through life based on the mixed signals they tried to translate (e.g., changing biology, cultural roles, family expectations) in order to survive. (Tanenbaum, Joe. Male & Female Realities. p 25-26. NV: Robert Erdmann Publishing, 1990.)

You need to bring paradoxes, conflicts, and dilemmas out in the open so collectively you can be more intelligent than you can be individually. The key to unlocking openness at work is to teach people to give up having to be in agreement. (Cooper, Robert K., PhD., and Ayman Sawaf. Executive EQ. p 103-104. NY: Grosset/Putnam, 1997.)

You first must agree in order for the opinions or beliefs of others to take hold in your life. (Dodd, Ray. The Power of Belief. p 18. VA: Hampton Roads Pub. Co. Inc., 2003.)

The expert remains task focused even under the intense pressure of competition. The amateur becomes self-focused rather than task focused. Self-evaluation and self-consciousness interfere with the performance. (Restak, Richard, MD. The New Brain. p 20-22. PA: Rodale, 2003.)

When you direct your anger outside yourself, you act self-righteous. When you turn it inward, you wonder “What is wrong with me?” (Viscott, David. MD. Emotional Resilience. p 15-16. NY: Crown Publishers Inc., 1996.)

Characteristics of animals that are attracted to each other including: restlessness, loss of appetite, tenacity, tenderness, romantic passion, and possessiveness. Dopamine and/or norepinephrine may play a role. (Fisher, Helen, PhD. Why We Love. p 24-50. NY: Henry Holt and Company, 2004.)

People form up to 90% of their opinion about another person within the first 4 minutes of meeting him/her, and assess physical desirability in less than 10 seconds. (Pease, Barbara and Allan. Why Men Don’t Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes. p 188. NY: Broadway Books, 2004.)

Studies of both men and women: pleasant looks correlate with higher salary levels and greater advancement at all ages and in all fields. Your appearance has a direct bearing on the way you feel about yourself. (Conway, Jim. Men in Midlife Crisis. p 84-86. IL: David C. Cook Publishing, 1978, 1980.)

Grooming can impact salary levels. Study: women who are better-groomed may be offered higher salaries (e.g., 8%-20%) than the less well-groomed.(Bricklin, Mark, et al. Positive Living and Health. p 110. PA: Rodale Press, 1990.)

In any moment of crisis, just feel grateful for something, anything. Appreciation is one of the easiest things to feel and can take the edge off even the toughest situation. (Childre, Doc and Howard Martin. The HeartMath Solution. p 109-112. CA: Harper SF, 1999.)

Avoid arguing. As a parent, tell your child: We want to hear your opinion but arguing means you have made your point more than two times. Give them options: You can do it now or take a time-out and then do it. It’s up to you. (Amen, Daniel G., MD. Change Your Brain Change Your Life. p 179-180. NY: Times Books, 1998.)

Attachment involves both the quality and strength of the bond between parent and child. It is a theory of love and influences a person’s entire life. (Karen, Robert, PhD. Becoming Attached. p 2-4. NY: Oxford University Press, 1994, 1998.)

Attachment is an inborn brain system. If it is working appropriately it motivates an infant to develop communication with caregivers, and to want to be close them. (Siegel, Daniel J. The Developing Mind. p 67-77. NY: The Guilford Press, 1999.)

Babies exhibit attachment behaviors that keep them close to their mother for self-preservation. By 6-8 months most babies have formed a specific mother attachment. The cost of separation in a too-young child is high. (Viorst, Judith. Necessary Losses. p 29-31. NY: Simon & Schuster, 1986.)

Studies of lab test, Strange Situation: Infants were classified as having a secure, avoidant, or anxious-ambivalent working model of attachment. A fourth attachment style, disorganized, has recently been identified. (Wilson, Timothy D. Strangers to Ourselves. p 79-80. England: The Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 2002.)

Attitude is important. You need to examine where you have been and where you want to go. You may need to think differently about yourself, life in general, and walk away from some of the experiences and attitudes of the past. (Conway, Jim and Sally. Women In Midlife Crisis. p 364-365. IL: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1971.)

Study: People click with others who have similar perceptions, attitudes, interests, and values. They have a greater likelihood of long-term relationships under these conditions. (Pease, Barbara and Allan. Why Men Don’t Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes. p 231-232. NY: Broadway Books, 2004.)

Opposites may attract, but men and women from similar backgrounds marry. (Molloy, John T. Why Men Marry Some Women and not Others. p 16. NY: Warner Books, 2003.)

People are attracted to others based on genetic types (like attracts like). Within that, however, opposites attract in terms of differing but compatible immune systems. (Fisher, Helen, PhD. Why We Love. p 103-105. NY: Henry Holt and Company, 2004.)

Have you ever wondered the reason you sometimes quickly (if not instantaneously) like or dislike another person? There is now evidence that a subtle yet influential electromagnetic or energetic communication system operates just below your conscious awareness. Energetic interactions possibly contribute to the magnetic attractions or repulsions that occur between individuals, and also affect social relationships. It was also found that one person’s brain waves can synchronize to another person’s heart. (Rosch, p. J. and M. S. Markov, Editors. The Energetic Heart: Bioelectromagnetic Communication Within and Between People, Chapter published in:Clinical Applications of Bioelectromagnetic Medicine, NY: Marcel Dekker: 541-562, 2004)

Emphasizing the nourishing importance to relationships of frequently “speaking love out loud.” (Benson, Herbert, MD., with Marg Stark. Timeless Healing: The Power and Biology of Belief. p 272-275. NY: Scribner, 1996.)

Percentage of Americans who feel they should write a book: 81%. Percentage who actually do write a book: 2%. (Study: Modern Maturity. AARP January/February. p 15. 2003.)

In order to heal a problem/condition, you must become aware of the pattern that is hidden deeply with you. (Hay, Louise L. You Can Heal Your Life. p 55-58. CA: Hay House, Inc., 1984.)

The basis for some relationships is a balancing act, each compensating for the deficiencies of the other. If either one begins to become whole, the very foundations of their relationship may begin to disappear because they have nothing else in common to hold them together. Any change in one becomes a threat to the other and will be resisted. (Goldberg, Herb, PhD. The New Male-Female Relationship. p 33. NY: Signet Books, 1983.)

Basal-ganglia system overactivity can sabotage relationships (e.g., trigger anxiety, panic, fear, negativity, tension, lowered sexual interest, physical complaints). (Amen, Daniel G., MD. Change Your Brain Change Your Life. p 263-267. NY: Times Books, 1998.)

Neuroimaging studies: Individuals who have been guilty of battering a spouse have been found to be impelled by the fear of abandonment. When shown enactments of abandonment (e.g., a battered spouse announced his/her independence and leaves) areas of the batterers brain associated with anxiety and anger fire up. (Lynch, Zack, PhD., with Byron Laursen. The Neuro Revolution, p. 36-37. NY: St. Martin’s Press, 2009.)

You think what you believe and your behavior follows your beliefs. Changing behavior involves more than just changing your mind – you must change what you believe. (Dodd, Ray. The Power of Belief. p 66. VA: Hampton Roads Pub. Co. Inc., 2003.)

Identify the behavior you want to change and make an internal representation (picture) of that behavior, then create a new picture of how it looks when you exhibit the new behavior. Give your brain a pattern to follow. (Robbins, Anthony. Unlimited Power. p 100-102. NY: Fireside, 1986.)

Your belief is the “eye” of your spirit. What you see (believe in) is what you get. If you see health, happiness and success, your spirit will respond to that picture by setting in motion biochemical events that can lead to increased energy, productivity, and health. (Fox, Arnold, MD, and Barry Fox, PhD. Wake Up! You’re Alive! p 50-51. FL: Health Communications, 1988.)

What you choose to believe creates your own personal reality. (Dodd, Ray. The Power of Belief. p ix, 3. VA: Hampton Roads Pub. Co. Inc., 2003.)

Behavior is organized around beliefs. If you say something is important or unimportant to do, it’s because you have a belief about it. Think of all behavior as being mobilized by the beliefs you have. You weren’t born with them. They are powerful and can change. (Bandler, Richard. Using Your Brain for a Change. p 103-104. UT: Real People Press, 1985.)

Most negative thinking is based on beliefs that are unfounded, inappropriate, outmoded, or false. Beliefs are not the truth and may not even reflect fact (e.g., the world was never flat). Likewise you are not necessarily dumb, crazy, egomaniacal, grandiose, or silly just because you falsely believe yourself to be. (Shaevitz, Marjorie Hansen. The Confident Woman. p 195-196. NY: Harmony Books, 1999.)

Blaming is an attempt to control events over which you are actually powerless. It is often part of the grieving process. (Viscott, David. MD. Emotional Resilience. p 119-120. NY: Crown Publishers Inc., 1996.)

When you blame you give away your power. It is one of the surest ways to remain stuck in a problem. (Hay, Louise L. You Can Heal Your Life. p 35. CA: Hay House, Inc., 1984.)

Blame is unhelpful. In most cases. Most parents did the best they could with the information they themselves absorbed as children. (Hay, Louise L. You Can Heal Your Life. p 9-11. CA: Hay House, Inc., 1984.)

PEAR Experiments: empathic bonding transcend time and space. Bonded couples (e.g., emotionally and empathica)lly attached to each other) and the most successful pairs. (Dossey, Larry. MD. Healing Words. p 152-156. NY: HarperPaperbacks, 1993.)

Adrenal steroids produced during pregnancy (due to chronic anxiety, fear, maltreatment) pass through the placenta and impact the fetus. In a state of tension, free-floating anxiety, the fetus may have reduced intellectual development or fail to bond with the mother in preparation for birth. (Woodman, Marion. Addiction to Perfection. p 16-17. Toronto, Canada: Inner City Books, 1982.)

Typically, in the name of being loving, partners abandon their capacity to state simply, “I want to be alone,” or do something else…Saying this would result in guilt, hurt feelings, and fears of rejections. Instead, therefore a progressive loss of identity boundaries occur…so they embark on a never-ending series of fights that allow each to temporarily escape. (Goldberg, Herb, PhD. The New Male-Female Relationship. p 99-100. NY: Signet Books, 1983.)

Defines boundaries as establishing ground rules and asking others not to cross those lines. (Pease, Barbara and Allan. Why Men Don’t Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes. p 149-150. NY: Broadway Books, 2004.)

Mental and emotional patterns become hardwired in your brain’s circuitry as you repeatedly engage in the same thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. (Childre, Doc and Howard Martin. The HeartMath Solution. p 26. CA: Harper SF, 1999.)

The human brain is wired to connect. It is, by design, sociable. Our relationships mold not just our personal experience but also our biology. (Goleman, Daniel, PhD.Social Intelligence. p 4-5. NY: Bantam Dell. 2006.)

Discusses dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, and testosterone that are altered by the experience of romantic love. (Fisher, Helen, PhD. Why We Love. p 52-60. NY: Henry Holt and Company, 2004.)

One’s sense of self-concept is stored in multiple areas of the brain. A real shift in self-esteem requires shifting multiple environmental triggers. Going back into the same environment often triggers previous perceptions/behaviors. (Caine, Renate Nummela, and Geoffrey Caine. Making Connections: Teaching and the Human Brain. p 127-128. VA: ASCD, 1991.)

A brain signal is simply, in neurological terminology, a set of energy fluctuations. These intelligence impulses constantly create the body in new forms every second. Every cell is aware of how you think and feel about yourself. (Chopra, Deepak, MD. Ageless Body, Timeless Mind. p 23-25. NY: Harmony Books, 1993.)

Males are more likely to break up with a woman who makes them jealous than vice versa. In reacting to jealousy, males usually seek to repair their injured self-esteem; women seek to repair the relationship itself. (Stump, Jane Barr, PhD. What’s the Difference? p 108-109. NY: William Morrow and Company, Inc., 1985.)

The wife is more likely to recognize that the relationship is in trouble. (Fisher, Helen, PhD. The First Sex. p 275-276. NY: Random House, 1999.)

Buddyship (between males) is underdeveloped in our culture because it requires time, a willingness to work through crises, to upset one’s heterosexual partner, to endure innuendoes about latent homosexuality, and a social maturity that is not culturally recognized or rewarded the way marriage is. A buddyship relationship is important and males need to develop one. (Goldberg, Herb, PhD. The Hazards of Being Male. p 145-146. NY: Nash Publishing, 1976.)

A button-pusher is someone who triggers negative reactions in his/her relationship and lists two parts to the equation: the button-pusher’s tendencies, and your own vulnerabilities and response. (Townsend, John, PhD. Who’s Pushing Your Buttons. p xii-xiii. TN: Integrity Publishers, 2004.)

Careers may be equally important to males and females but each is affected by different things: by affiliative success in females (depth and strength of their relationships) and by occupational success in males (status and how much they earn). (Moir, Anne, and David Jessel. Brain Sex. p 166. NY: Carol Publishing Group, 1989, 1991.)

Chapter by Morton H. Shaevitz, PhD, on how men really feel. Men’s self-esteem is more career related. (Shaevitz, Marjorie Hansen. The Superwoman Syndrome. p 33-46. NY: Warner Books, 1984.)

It is highly likely that we are exhibiting caretaking or overcare behaviors if our caring intentions don’t feel as if they are both adding to our energy bank and impacting others in an uplifting way. (Childre, Doc and Howard Martin. The HeartMath Solution. p 165-166. CA: Harper SF, 1999.)

Over caring for others (caring taken to extremes) contributes to lowered immune system response, imbalanced hormonal levels, and poor decision-making. (Childre, Doc and Howard Martin. The HeartMath Solution. p 20. CA: Harper SF, 1999.)

Quoting from the 1995 book by Eva Jablonka and biologist Marion Lamb (Epigenetic Inheritance and Evolution—the Lamarckian Dimension): In recent years, molecular biology has shown that the genome is far more fluid and responsive to the environment than previously supposed. It has also shown that information can be transmitted to descendants in ways other than through the base sequence of DNA. (Lipton, Bruce, PhD. The Biology of Belief. p 72. CA: Mountain of Love / Elite Books, 2005.)

Once two systems come in energetic contact, they are connected forever by the infinite cellular memory of their connection. Our experiences with parents and others close to us remain within us. (Pearsall, Paul, PhD. The Heart’s Code. p 143. NY: Broadway Books, 1998.)

Mentally focus on your heart. It can help you regulate your emotions. Picture taking disturbed feelings into the heart and soaking them there. This won’t necessarily make the issue disappear, but it can take the density out of your cellular memory and reduce its power. (Childre, Doc and Howard Martin. The HeartMath Solution. p 193-194. CA: Harper SF, 1999.)

Refer to Cellular Memory (Epigenetics) for additional Information.

Defines changes as awareness plus action. Provides exercises to help you accomplish this. (Schaeffer, Brenda. Is It Love Or Is It Addiction? p 121. CA: Harper & Row, 1987.)

Change your behavior to match your conscious conception of how you want to be, and that can bring about changes in the adaptive unconscious. Small changes in behavior can lead to small changes in self-concept, and can make the next behavior change easier. (Wilson, Timothy D. Strangers to Ourselves. p 211-214. England: The Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 2002.)

Two things are required for successful therapy: it is forward-looking and requires you to assume personal responsibility. Endless rehearsal, without taking steps to correct the problem, is ineffective. (Seligman, Martin E p., PhD. What You Can Change…and What You Can’t. p 240-250. NY: Fawcett Books, 1993.)

Lists seven steps to change thinking from negative to positive:

  1. Increase your awareness
  2. Replace with positive thoughts
  3. Observe and describe
  4. Diagnose
  5. Find solutions
  6. Educate yourself/get help
  7. Reward new thoughts/behaviors

(Shaevitz, Marjorie Hansen. The Confident Woman. p 204-206. NY: Harmony Books, 1999.)

Nonverbal clues that show resistance to change can include: changing the subject, leaving the room, getting sick, procrastinating, going to the bathroom, eating/drinking/smoking, wasting time, doing busy work, etc. (Hay, Louise L. You Can Heal Your Life. p 56-60. CA: Hay House, Inc., 1984.)

Change blindness refers to the frequent inability of your visual system to detect alterations to something staring you right in the face. Since far more information lands on your eyes than you can possibly analyze, the brain screens visual stimuli using bottom-up or top-down attentiveness. Bottom-up (e.g., wildly waving hand) can get your attention because it sticks out. Top-down is a volitional act where you turn your “spotlight” of attention toward something specific (e.g., finding your suitcase on an airline baggage carousel). (Angier, Natalie. Blind to Change, Even as It Stares Us in the Face. April 2008.)

Before attempting to change a relationship, define what you really want (as compared to what you think you want). The less you need the other person to be a specific way in order to reduce your own insecurities, the more easily he/she can change, because there is minimal resistance or threat from you. (Goldberg, Herb, PhD. The New Male-Female Relationship. p 168-170. NY: Signet Books, 1983.)

When you continue to repeat painful experiences, you are refusing to lay to rest your childhood ghosts. (Viorst, Judith. Necessary Losses. p 78-80. NY: Simon & Schuster, 1986.)

The capacity to choose a partner based on objective reality, rather than on the romantic distortions that inevitably lead to anger and disappointment, is crucial to the evolution of a new man-woman relationship. (Goldberg, Herb, PhD. The New Male-Female Relationship. p 137-138. NY: Signet Books, 1983.)

Cingulate overactivity can sabotage relationships (e.g., trigger holding grudges, unforgiveness of perceived wrongs, rigidity, locking onto thoughts, argumentativeness). (Amen, Daniel G., MD. Change Your Brain Change Your Life. p 267-270. NY: Times Books, 1998.)

Males seem to relate most comfortably when working side-by-side with someone else (e.g., playing a game, doing a project together). (Gurian, Michael. The Wonder of Boys. p 34-35. NY: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Putnam, 1996.)

Babies initially use a communication system (body language) that all social animals use. Gradually babies learn to lean more heavily on the spoken word, while dogs, cats, and horses will continue to rely on body language. Although capable of learning verbal commands (a foreign language for them) dogs normally communicate through body language and facial expression and are attuned to reading these in their owners. Hungarian studies showed that dogs are receptive to human communication in a manner that was previously attributed only to 6-month-old human infants. (Source)

Refer to Brain Communication for additional information.

Each person exhibits a personal rhythmic tempo (e.g., speech, gestures, gait) ranging from 60-120 bests per minute (with the majority clustered between 70-80 beats per minute). Humans are most compatible with those who have a similar rhythmic tempo. (Torres, Carol A., and Louis R. Torres. Notes on Music. p 11-12. OR: TorresLC Ministries, 2004.)

Typically the male’s sense of self-worth has come from arenas of combat, where he has struggled on the job ladder, competed in sports, vied in entertainment or fought in politics. If cooperating becomes more desirable than competition, then the male’s main source of esteem will have been undermined. (Eakins, Barbara Westbrook, and R. Gene Eakins. Sex Differences in Human Communication. p 13. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co.,1978.)

Confidence is a consciousness of one’s powers, a belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way—without any suggestion of conceit or arrogance. Self-confidence and self-esteem are different. Self-esteem is a set of amorphous feelings about how much you like, value, and approve of yourself. At its core, self-esteem is all about feelings. (Shaevitz, Marjorie Hansen. The Confident Woman. p 22-23. NY: Harmony Books, 1999.)

Men are much more self-confident than women that they will be able do job/task, and are much more satisfied with their actual performance; the most striking difference between the sexes in motivation. (Nicholson, John. Men and Woman: How Different are They? p 107. NY: Oxford University Press, 1984.)

Asch experiment: The likelihood of conformity increases when faced with unanimous group opinion (32%). If even one person dissents, however, conformity drops to 8%. With only one other person in the room, there is 2.8% conformity; 12.8% conformity with two, and about 30% with four people (no increase with groups over four). (Ornstein, Robert. Multimind. p 92-96. NY: Doubledday, 1986.)

Confusion is very different from not understanding. Confusion indicates that you’re on your way to understanding. It presupposes that you have a lot of data, but it’s not yet organized in a way that allows you to understand it. (Bandler, Richard. Using Your Brain for a Change. p 83-84. UT: Real People Press, 1985.)

Males rarely smile when they are angry. Females are more likely to smile whether they feel happy or not. Saying “no” accompanied by a smile (lack of congruence) is not perceived as an emphatic rejection by most males. (Kipnis, Aaron, PhD, and Elizabeth Herron, MA. What Women & Men Really Want. p 212-213. CA: Nataraj Publishing, 1995.)

Living a scrupulous life appears to prolong one’s life (more even than socioeconomic status and intelligence). Studies at UC-Riverside (Friedman and Kern) found that people who were less conscientious were 50% more likely to die at any given age, on average, than those of the same age who scored highly (Health Psychology, DOI: 10.1037/0278-6133.27.5.505 Coghlan, Andy. Conscientiousness is the secret to a long life. New Scientist magazine, 2008.)

fMRI study by neuroscientist and co-author John-Dylan Haynes of Max Planck Institute: researchers could predict people's decisions (e.g., using right or left hand to push a button) seven seconds before the test subjects were aware of making them. During those 7 seconds activity was evident in their frontopolar cortex and then in the parietal region. It seems that your consciousness is only aware of some of the things your brain is doing. (Keim, Brandon. Brain Scanners Can See Your Decisions Before You Make Them. Nature Neuroscience. April, 2008.)

Refer to Brain-Body Connection for additional information.

You only have control over where you put your attention and the decisions you make about what happens to you or around you. (Dodd, Ray. The Power of Belief. p 97-98. VA: Hampton Roads Pub. Co. Inc., 2003.)

There is more to relationships than conversation. There is compatibility in energy, feeling, soul/spirit, or even a sense of magic. (Kipnis, Aaron, PhD, and Elizabeth Herron, MA. What Women & Men Really Want. p 33. CA: Nataraj Publishing, 1995.)

People who are harder “to get” tend to excite a suitor because a delay in winning stimulates dopamine activity in the brain, while early acquisition of a reward reduces both the duration and intensity of the chemical. (Fisher, Helen, PhD. Why We Love. p 202-205. NY: Henry Holt and Company, 2004.)

Cross-GenderRelationship difficulties can escalate when males and females don’t acknowledge biological differences and have unrealistic expectations of each other and the relationship. (p 247-250, Pease, Barbara and Allan. Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps. NY: Broadway Books, 1998.)

Children who are yelled at, criticized, told they are stupid, etc., usually either become very docile or openly rebellious. (Hay, Louise L. You Can Heal Your Life. p 34-36. CA: Hay House, Inc., 1984.)

Lists words that describe traditional female identity (e.g., relatedness, passive, nurturer-gatherer), traditional male identity (e.g., autonomy, aggressive, provider-hunter) and words that describe a new partnership style (e.g., integration, assertive, eclectic). (Kipnis, Aaron, PhD, and Elizabeth Herron, MA.What Women & Men Really Want. p 252-256. CA: Nataraj Publishing, 1995.)

Jealousy is likely to appear in a woman who places a relationship in a position of great importance, outweighing any other part of her life. (Stump, Jane Barr, PhD. What’s the Difference? p 108-109. NY: William Morrow and Company, Inc., 1985.)

Culturally defined ingredients that are supposed to make you a worthwhile and acceptable person include the “Five Bs”:

  1. Beauty
  2. Brains
  3. Bank account
  4. Busyness (productivity)
  5. Belonging

(Conway, Jim and Sally. Women In Midlife Crisis. p 207-208. IL: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1971.)

Sometimes referred to as "flaming," cyber-disinhibition is a phenomenon that can occur when a person is upset and sends an angry or other type of emotionally-charged and often unfortunate message via e-mail. A disconnect between the social brain (designed for face-to-face interaction) and a computer monitor results in a lack of emotional cues, which typically are picked up in person or even via telephone calls from the tone of voice. (Goleman, Daniel. The Brain and Emotional Intelligence: New Insights. p. 58-60. MA: More Than Sound, 2011)

Until 1914 women lived in a world in which they were forced to be totally dependent on men, and were deprived of all legal autonomy as human beings. (Montagu, Ashley. The Natural Superiority of Women. p 24-26. NY: Collier Books, a division of Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc., 1952, 1974.)

Study: dependence on her husband for success may reduce a wife’s feelings of worth, especially if she is well educated and, presumable, able to earn her own rewards…Nonworking housewives with attractive, high-status husbands felt less adequate than married professional women. (Conway, Jim and Sally. Women In Midlife Crisis. p 46-48. IL: Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., 1971.)

Describes what you should receive from a good relationship. (Townsend, John, PhD. Who’s Pushing Your Buttons. p xiii-xiv. TN: Integrity Publishers, 2004.)

Differentiation is the concept of being “I” while remaining connected with others. You must define your own goals/values apart from pressures that demand primarily “you” and “we.” Includes the Scale of Differentiation. (Friedman, Edwin H. Generation to Generation. p 26-29. NY: The Guilford Press, 1985.)

The more differentiation that is present in each individual, the less stuck-togetherness there is, and the more they can actually get together. (Friedman, Edwin H. Generation to Generation. p 70-74. NY: The Guilford Press, 1985.)

Psychological birth begins at around 5 months of age with identification of boundaries (baby is separate from mother) known as differentiation. (Viorst, Judith. Necessary Losses. p 43-45. NY: Simon & Schuster, 1986.)

In disengagement there is no easy way to become unentangled. Someone, usually each of them, gets hurt in the process. The unwillingness to be hurt or to hurt someone else quite often keeps people in a relationship far beyond the reason that drew them together in the first place. (Conway, Jim. Men in Midlife Crisis. p 116-118. IL: David C. Cook Publishing, 1978, 1980.)

In Western countries about 50% of marriages end in divorce. Taking defacto and gay relationships into account, the actual breakup rate for couples is likely to be about 70%. (Pease, Barbara and Allan. Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps. p 3, 13. NY: Broadway Books, 1998.)

Divorce tends to run in some families. There may be some inherited physiologoical tendency that contributes to increased susceptibilty to restlessness and divorce. This could include overstimulated receptor sites, and/or a reduced production of oxytocin, vasopressin/testosterone. (Fisher, Helen, PhD. The First Sex. p 272. NY: Random House, 1999.)

Excessive docility is not a good sign. A child who is always good, who never gets into trouble, who never talks back, is an abnormal child. (Conway, Jim. Men in Midlife Crisis. p 248. IL: David C. Cook Publishing, 1978, 1980.)

Toxic relationships can act like slow poison in the body. Nourishing relationships have a beneficial impact on our health. (Goleman, Daniel, PhD. Social Intelligence.p 4-6. NY: Bantam Dell. 2006.)

Refer to Downshifting and the Brain for additional information.

Asleep dreams may represent models of one’s inner world. (Dodd, Ray. The Power of Belief. p 52. VA: Hampton Roads Pub. Co. Inc., 2003.)

The brain changes as relationships lengthen. Regions associated with emotions, attention, and memory begin to respond in new ways. (Fisher, Helen, PhD. Why We Love. p 70-80. NY: Henry Holt and Company, 2004.)

Common characteristids or telltale traits of dysunctional families include:

  1. Abuse of some type (physical, emotional, sexual, neglect, religious, vicarious)
  2. Prefectionistic tendencies (members feel hopelessly substandard, never get it right)
  3. Rigidity (unbending rules, strict life-styles and belief systems, routines)
  4. Silence or gag rule (never share family secrets with anyone and avoid asking for help)
  5. Repression (bury emotions and feelings and express only joy)
  6. Triangulation (use a family member as a go-between)
  7. Double Messages (Sure I love you but don't bother me now)
  8. Lack of fun (work hard, be serious, don't waste time playing, you are what you do)
  9. Martydom (others always come first, tough it out, suck it up, don't cry, be strong)
  10. Entanglement (individual boundaries are enmeshed, no privacy, nose is in other's business)

(Wright, H. Norman. Always Daddy's Girl. p 143-155. CA: Regal Books, 1989)

An eldest or only child may feel like the “odd person out” if both parents came near the bottom of their sibling line – neither may understand each other. (Friedman, Edwin H. Generation to Generation. p 54-56. NY: The Guilford Press, 1985.)

The electrical energy from your heart is transmitted to another person’s brain when you touch that person, and vice versa. We affect each other at the most basic electromagnetic level. This has huge social implications. (Childre, Doc and Howard Martin. The HeartMath Solution. p 159-160. CA: Harper SF, 1999.)

Have you ever wondered the reason you sometimes quickly (if not instantaneously) like or dislike another person? There is now evidence that a subtle yet influential electromagnetic or energetic communication system operates just below your conscious awareness. Energetic interactions possibly contribute to the magnetic attractions or repulsions that occur between individuals, and also affect social relationships. It was also found that one person’s brain waves can synchronize to another person’s heart. (Rosch, p. J. and M. S. Markov, Editors. The Energetic Heart: Bioelectromagnetic Communication Within and Between People, Chapter published in:Clinical Applications of Bioelectromagnetic Medicine, NY: Marcel Dekker: 541-562, 2004)

Refer to Electromagnetic Energy for additional information.

Mentally focus on your heart. It can help you regulate your emotions. Picture taking disturbed feelings into the heart and soaking them there. This won’t necessarily make the issue disappear, but it can take the density out of your cellular memory and reduce its power. (Childre, Doc and Howard Martin. The HeartMath Solution. p 193-194. CA: Harper SF, 1999.)

Adult relationship problems may have their roots in the very different lessons taught in childhood (e.g., girls: discuss emotions, boys: compete and ignore emotions). (Goleman, Daniel, PhD. Emotional Intelligence. p 129-132. NY: Bantam Books, 1995.)

An ability to read emotions is critical to good social skills / relationships. Researchers at the University of Geneva, Switzerland, have identified spatial signatures of emotion in the primary auditory cortex (temporal lobes at the side of the brain responsible helping to decode the sensation of sound). This area reacts more strongly to anger, joy, relief, and sadness than to neutrality. These findings may help researchers to better understand conditions such as Schizophrenia, Autism, and even depression. (Fisher, Helen. Emotional Speech Leaves Signature on the Brain. NewScientist, 2009.)

Study: Emotions spread whenever people are near one another, even when the contact is only noverbal. When three strangers sit facing each other in silence for a minute or two, the one who is most emotionally expressive transmits his or her mood to the other two without speaking a word. (Goleman, Daniel, PhD, with Richard Boyatzis, and Annie Mckee. Primal Leadership. p 6-8. Boston: Harvard Business School Press, 2002.)

Refer to Emotions and Feelings for additional information.

Females tend to shy away from asking directly for what they want and are more likely (than males) to use emotional blackmail to get their way. (Pease, Barbara and Allan. Why Men Don’t Have a Clue and Women Always Need More Shoes. p 72-76. NY: Broadway Books, 2004.)

This term reflects an inability to process feelings of the moment as well as the record of the person’s unique history. A high emotional debt reveals low self-esteem. People with low self-esteem are more likely to hold on to negative emotions. (Viscott, David. MD. Emotional Resilience. p 282-286. NY: Crown Publishers Inc., 1996.)

Characteristics of the emotionally intelligent person include: able to recognize and express emotions, possess positive self regard, interdependent without becoming dependent, optimistic, realistic, flexible, fairly successful in solving problems/coping with stress without losing control. (Childre, Doc and Howard Martin. The HeartMath Solution. p 12-13. CA: Harper SF, 1999.)

Refer to Emotional Intelligence and the Brain for additional information.

Emotional survivors recover quickly from feelings of discouragement. They avoid dwelling on the past or on what has been lost, and direct their energy to getting things to turn out well. (Siebert, Al, PhD. The Survivor Personality. p 194-195. NY: A Perigee Book, 1996.)

Scientists describe the open loop nature of the limbic system/emotion center as interpersonal limbic regulations. One person transmits signals that can alter hormone levels, cardiovascular function, sleep rhythms, and immune function in the body of another (e.g., couples in love trigger oxytocin surges in one another’s brain that create affectionate feelings). (Goleman, Daniel, PhD, with Richard Boyatzis, and Annie Mckee. Primal Leadership. p 6-8. Boston: Harvard Business School Press, 2002.)

The hallmark of playful relationship involves having energy in each other’s presence and the absence of toxic fatigue. The relationship increases the energy of each person rather than draining it. (Goldberg, Herb, PhD. The New Male-Female Relationship. p 197. NY: Signet Books, 1983.)

The electrical energy from your heart is transmitted to another person’s brain when you touch that person, and vice versa. We affect each other at the most basic electromagnetic level. This has huge social implications. (Childre, Doc and Howard Martin. The HeartMath Solution. p 159-160. CA: Harper SF, 1999.)

Others can drain your energy by their behaviors (e.g., lying, stealing, cheating, hurting others, refusing to cooperate, complaining frequently, acting selfishly, acting superior). (Siebert, Al, PhD. The Survivor Personality. p 74-76. NY: A Perigee Book, 1996.)

Become aware of your own energy levels and then of your family, friends, and acquaintances. You can raise your own energy levels by being in the energy field of those with higher (positive) energy. (Dyer, Wayne, PhD. The Power of Intention. p 73-80. CA: Hay House, Inc., 2004.)

Refer to Energy and the Brain for additional information.

Epigenetic research, meaning “control above genetics,” has established that a variety of environmental influences (e.g., nutrition, stress, emotions) can modify genes without changing their basic blueprint and this can be passed on to future generations. (Lipton, Bruce, PhD. The Biology of Belief. p 67-68. CA: Mountain of Love / Elite Books, 2005.)

Refer to Cellular Memory (Epigenetics) for additional information.

The head of the family typically demands the respect due to a superior person but always at the cost of making all other members of his family feel inferior. From earliest times, women were practically never given equal opportunities with men to develop their capacities. Until 1914 women females were forced to be totally dependent on men and were deprived of all legal autonomy as human beings. (Montagu, Ashley. The Natural Superiority of Women. p 24-26. NY: Collier Books, a division of Macmillan Publishing Co., Inc., 1952, 1974)

Equality in a relationship can be difficult to define. According to Knudson-Martin and Mahoney (Will Old Gender Scripts Limit New Millennium Families' Ability to Thrive? 1996), a relationship that is equal encompasses six characteristics. Both partners:

  1. Show their true selves to the other
  2. Hold equal power
  3. Take equal responsibility for the relationship
  4. Accommodate equally to each others' needs
  5. Pay attention to each other in a balanced way
  6. Equally support each other's well-being

(Source)

The greatest error of all is in thinking that the only way for you to feel good in certain situations is for someone else to behave in a certain way. (Bandler, Richard. Using Your Brain for a Change. p 62. UT: Real People Press, 1985.)

Research studies: Teachers viewed their students in the ways that they expected them to be, and acted toward them in ways that made these expectations come true. At the end of the year, students who had (earlier) been labeled as bloomers showed significantly higher gains in I.Q. scores than did other students. (Wilson, Timothy D. Discovering the Adaptive Unconscious. p 54-55. England: The Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 2002.)

Males are more likely to engage in extramarital relations for sexual pleasure; females for emotional intimacy and commitment. (Fisher, Helen, PhD. The First Sex. p 256-258. NY: Random House, 1999.)

Studies of family ritual: Teens who ate a meal with an adult in their family an average of 5 days a week (versus 3) tended to smoke, drink, and abuse drugs less, and be more optimistic and motivated in school. There may be a subtle love energy at work in the form of cardio-energetic parenting. Families share cellular memories in every ritual. (Lipton, Bruce, PhD. The Biology of Belief. p 163-164. CA: Mountain of Love / Elite Books, 2005.)

Quotes Paul MacLean’s family triad of needs as: audiovisual communication, nurturing, and play. (Pearce, Joseph Chilton. The Biology of Transcendence. p 99-105. VT: Park Street Press, 2002.)

To develop and consistently implement appropriate boundaries, you may need to reevaluate your relationships, deliberately selecting family-of-choice friends from among those who understand boundary building and who are committed to personal growth. (Taylor, Arlene R., PhD and Lorna Lawrence, PhD. Thresholds to Thriving. p 156. CA: Success Resources International, 1995 and 1998.)

Family-of-origin work really means that one comes to grips with the extended family, the source of all differentiation. It needs to be an individual work and is vitally important. (Friedman, Edwin H. Generation to Generation. p 86-90. NY: The Guilford Press, 1985.)

Your position in your family-of-origin is one thing you cannot share or give to another during your lifetime. “Family trees are always trees of knowledge and often they are also trees of life.” Includes 10 laws of family) life. (Friedman, Edwin H. Generation to Generation. p 33-64. NY: The Guilford Press, 1985.

We need to be ruthlessly honest in evaluating our heritage. Many have loved homes and families and yet had no (functional) model. (Woodman, Marion.Addiction to Perfection. p 16. Canada: Inner City Books, 1982.)

You can self-assess by carefully uncovering factors within your family-of-origin that might have contributed to your lack of industry (or other problem) and discover the model that you observed/learned. (Taylor, Arlene, PhD and Lorna Lawrence, PhD. Thresholds to Thriving. p 18-20. CA: Success Resources International, 1995 and 1998.)

When a father habitually neglects, criticizes, or rejects a son, a powerful and destructive message is turned loose. According to Kenneth Druck, men's unfinished business with their fathers is the most persistently recurring emotional block in their lives. And according to Bill Glass, he has not met one man in prison who has feelings of respect or affection for his father. Instead, feelings of hatred, resentment, and indifference express the full range of feelings toward their fathers. (Joy, Donald, PhD. Unfinished Business. p 50-52. IL: Victor Books, 1989)

A poor self-image contributes to guilt and fear. With goodly amounts of self-esteem, you can admit your mistakes and failings without undue guilt. When you have self-love, you also have self-confidence and the future is inviting, not fearful. (Fox, Arnold, MD, and Barry Fox, PhD. Wake Up! You’re Alive! FL: Health Communications, 1988.)

The more “feminine” a woman is in conforming to socialization, the less likely true intimacy with a man becomes (e.g., when conflict between the two it can never be negotiated and resolved successfully). The repression of her aggression causes her to view herself as a victim. She tends to see herself as blameless and cannot own up to her part of the argument. (Goldberg, Herb, PhD. The New Male-Female Relationship. p 7-9. NY: Signet Books, 1983.)

If you can believe in yourself 51% of the time, that is enough to change your behavior. Start acting, thinking, walking, and talking as if you already were a success. Your new behavior will be reflected in improved health of mind and body, encouraging you to believe even more. What you see is what you get. (Fox, Arnold, MD, and Barry Fox, PhD. Wake Up! You’re Alive! p 56-57. FL: Health Communications, 1988.)

Firewalk is an experience in belief. IT teaches people in the most visceral sense that they can change, grow, stretch themselves, and do things they never thought possible. That fears and limitations are self-imposed. (Robbins, Anthony.Unlimited Power. p 14-16. NY: Fireside, 1986.)

Flirting is a universal phenomenon. It involves lowering the eyelids or head followed by direct eye contact. (Ornstein, Robert, PhD and David Sobel, MD. The Healing Brain. p 63. NY: Simon & Schuster, 1987.)

Refer to Forgiveness/Forgiving for additional information.

English French German Italian Portuguese Russian Spanish
Share this page via
Go to top
JSN Boot template designed by JoomlaShine.com